Wow.

What a holiday.

I have a lot on my mind, and need to get it off my chest.

I have come to finally realize we are both procrastinators, and need to come up with a plan asap to rectify it.

We have a problem making our schedules for the week, and I believe if we could get to nail that down, it would help sink anchors along the foothold of our relationship as we go.

Without an agreed schedule, it is at best chaos as the week unfolds.

For the past 3 months we have been trying to schedule a time on Sunday to do our weekly schedule. For one reason or another ( all very important at the time ) our time gets pushed.

Well - the truth is no one is going to put our marriage first except for us. And at that, we have to fight for the time to make the time. My wife is in the final throws of her Ph.d which is a time killer for sure, and she teaches college courses.

This holiday I had two straight weeks off, and we were going to use it to catchup on all our missed time. I was looking forward to it. We had one good 4-5 hour recreational date together that was awesome the first week, and another one the 2nd, but I was hoping for much more.

What happened? Life happened for sure. The first week of my holiday was Christmas. Wrapping, family visits, dinners, and trying to catchup with all the housework we had been promising to get to all year.

That was OK really, because we had scheduled the 2nd half "enthusiastically" to take the kids on a ski holiday in Vermont. My wife was hesitant to leave because her 99 yr. old grandmother wasn't feeling well and she hated to leave with her feeling so badly.

The 2nd day we were there, Lynda's grandmother passed away so we had to pack up and head home.

I had mixed emotions about it because of how the decision to go back home went down. I don't believe she honestly felt we should have left. I saw several text messages on her phone after we were up there saying she really didn't want to be there. That was news to me, she said she wanted to go, even though her grandma wasn't feeling well. She has been back and forth for a long time. It wasn't worth canceling a vacation over, but maybe we should have.

We were trying to work the program together to discuss when we were going to leave and her father called and wanted to know what decision was there to make. Just get in the car and come home immediately.

Of course we were going to go - but we were in the middle of making that decision together. She got caught off guard and said that of course we were going to leave asap to her father, without finishing our talk.

Not a big deal I know - but it just hit a sensitive nerve with me. We finally agreed on a leaving time, and we made it home the next day.

Needless to say - no UA time at all for the rest of the week, even with our 21st anniversary looming. We finally got some time to go out after her grandmother was laid to rest. It was on our anniversary, and when we got home we were both so tired we just went to bed.

We had both agreed that we would have the last Sunday of the vacation to kick off the planning of the week, organized our time, cleaned up her office, the house, get in a nice chunk of UA time, and plan some much needed time with our Daughter ( recently let us know she is pregnant ) to plan out what her future is going to entail also.

So it's been hectic.

Sunday rolls around and it was a great start, until her dad texted.

He asked her to go to church with her mom so she didn't have to be alone. At this point, I gently said her father should probably be the one keeping her company and sitting next to her at church not one of us, and no matter how gently I said it it went down like a lead brick. There was very little enthusiastic agreement on anything for the rest of the day. I wanted to spend the day together as we planned, but she had it in her mind to go to church with her mom.

We agreed to work through what we had on for the day and it was cramped in from the start without adding in going to church with her mom.

We basically got through scheduling Sunday ( mostly ) and Monday. the rest of the week is blank.

Well - I finally caved in and said fine just go. As soon as i did she was out of the driveway in 5 mins.

I would work on the basement plans ( future home of our new grandchild, daughter, and son-in-law to be ) by myself.

It was a mess. I spiraled into an emotional cave and just went about the things that needed doing for the day.

She made it home around 2, and we were just ships in the night for the rest of the day. Dinner came and left, and here we are Monday.

I feel empty, my love bank is next to zero, and it just feels like we are starting over again and again.

I am excited about my first grandchild, but I can't help but feel it will be one more thing that will get in the way of our recovery, our UA, and the rebuilding of our marriage especially if they end up living at home with us.


It feels good to let this out, thank you.

Tonight we have a date scheduled, I am sure once we spend a little more time together it will help.


thank you,

You are crying out for the online programme! In this you will get a coach who takes you through your weekly lessons.

I can see that you have coached with Steve Harley and he has helped you a lot, but the online programme, supervised by Dr Harley, has a schedule to be worked through each week. One of the things on the schedule is planning your UA time. Now, I know that you already try to do that and each week you fail to follow through, but it will be harder to put off with a coach.

Having had a quick read of your threads, I think you are depressed because your marriage is not bringing you the happiness you wish, and it isn't bringing you happiness because your wife is not in love with you. She doesn't want to spend time alone with you and she does not want to make her marriage the priority in her life. She hasn't recovered from the hit caused by your affair and she feels no motivation to work with you on recovery.

You need to court and date her to make her enjoy her time with you and look forward to it, which will have the effect of making her fall in love with you, which will cure your feeling of hopelessness at never getting anywhere in recovery.

You need to start with UA time, but you have been unable to do this. This is where the year-long online programme, with a coach, will help.

I can see a problem of letting your family make demands on you, instead of fitting in the family after you have met your commitments to each other and only if you both agree enthusiastically. It's obvious to me that you need to tell them "no" when they make demands on your time, but you (both) don't seem to be able to put each other first.

You haven't begun to recover from the affair and if this goes on you will end up divorced.

Your post suggests that you know the answers, and you know what Dr Harley would say if you wrote to him, but you are unable to implement the advice. You need a coach, and access to Dr Harley on the private forum here, to help you work through these problems.

SugarCane,

Thank You for your response, it is a program we have considered getting several times but never pulled the trigger.

I know Marriage builders is the only way, and you are right the depressing feelings get the best of me.

When we work the program things work automatically.

Having Dr. Harley as a weekly coach i think would help with the friction we are having starting off.

And I say starting off, but we have been working with the program for a while now.

My heart actually feels lighter thinking about the organized program - looking into it now.

thank you.

You will have access to Dr. Harley on the private forum; however, he will not be your direct coach. He has a couple of people who work for him, and one of them would be your weekly coach.

The Online Program kept us on task in a way that we had a hard time doing on our own. Kept us accountable.

Another option may be the marriage coaching program

Further, the online program is set up to zero in on the areas you two specifically need to focus on first.

And, it will not be up to YOU to encourage your wife to participate. The coach will hold BOTH of you accountable. So you don't have to educate her, cajole, etc. And you can concentrate on courting her.

We are presently doing the program. C'mon in, the water's fine...

Catwit,

thank you so much for your suggestions, its great to hear from couples who are in the program.

We had a great UA / date last night, and discussed it together and enthusiastically agreed to join after reading Dr. Harley's "how to get started" and "getting the most out of the course" files.


I really want this to be our top priority in 2014. I understand life happens, and when it does it seems to knock our schedule around. I am confident that adding structure to our program will do wonders.

Do you have access to Dr. Harley via the forum or email?

I am jumping in head first today!! < great big splash sound >

Jedi_Knight, we have worked in the coaching program and have a good foundation working with Steve. His coaching was fundamental in our early recovery.

That's great news, li_runner...

And yes, as part of the online program, you have access to Dr. Harley through the private forum. On there, you post your specific questions and he replies within a day or two, having reviewed your specific situation.

BTW, we also counseled w/ Steve during the A, FR and early recovery.

All signed up, will start the program as soon as it arrives.

Very excited...

:-)

great news li!

We have started the program and have felt exactly what Dr. Harley has talked about on every level.

Specifically, the last couple days my " instincts " are to listen to my taker. It's difficult st some points to shut him down and balance my giver in.

My instincts are saying one thing, but I know logically to stay on track, because I have felt how awesome success feels when things click.

Sometimes it feels overwhelming , so much to do , so much to go through.

When we do follow the program I can actually feel the deposits.

When we miss our UA , when life happens , I feel it, my taker feels it, and I'm sure my BS feels it too.

I recognize these are just instincts, and it takes practice to lessen the pull.

Thanks,

The program was great for us, especially on the occasions when our coach intervened or we contacted Dr. Harley through the private forum.

A couple of years ago, my H and I charted our UA time for 84 straight weeks. On the three times that it dipped below 15 hours, we both felt unhappy. For us, it was a nice empirical example of the importance of UA time. We ALWAYS prioritize our UA time. For us, life will always happen and UA time will always be the top priority.

AM

Great idea!!

I am trying to record actual UA time , but it's not easy.

I totally see and have felt what you are saying armymama.

It only works though if both of us prioritize our UA time above all else.

Like last night , we we're suppose to have our regular 4 hour date but things happened ( washing machine leak debacle ) - tempers escalating

We went out in the car to the grocery store then decided it was best to just go home when we couldn't agree a place to eat at.


Not at all bad, we went home and had dinner together but it was also with our kids and my daughters new fianc�.

Did I mention she was pregnant and he is moving in after they get married.

18 years old and they have all the answers. I remember when I was like that,

I kinda miss it.

Like I said - we had a great time talking with them, but UA time it was not.

My taker wants WAY more time together , and deep down I wonder how it's going to work with everyone in the house.

I have a lot of work to do - mainly practicing not loosing my cool when I come home because all the kids rooms are a wreck.

I had the trifecta last night - I was hungry, angry, lonely , and tired to boot.

It's awesome to also see so many people back in love, after all that they have gone through.

li_runner:

Dr. H says it is usual for women to require the MINIMUM of 15 hours UA time, in order to get their EN's met. (Not surprisingly, since ours tend to require more time to satisfy.)

Men, on the other hand, can often get their EN's met enough to keep them over the romantic love threshold in much less than 15 hours (more like 5 or 6.) So they can sometimes not see the necessity of the 15 hours.

Dr. H told me that the test for me for whether my EN's were being met is the rush of oxytocin I would feel when we were on the right track.


About your new housemates: Since it i will be YOUR house still, can you and your H decide between yourselves that UA time comes first, and then broach this subject with your daughter and her fiance?

catwit:

thank you for the feedback. I believe that is one of our fundamental issues right now, re: scheduling and meeting our UA time.

I totally believe what Dr. H is saying about the rush of oxytocin. I have felt it personally when my EN's are being met and UA time is there. Otherwise not so much.


I think that once we nail down our schedule together and agree it - we will be able to stay on track. Especially now that we are in the Online Program.

Looking at our past performance - I believe putting in a significant buffer for our UA will also help. I like the buffer. If we don't need it - bonus time. If we do, then we still make our time.

How do you split up your UA? Do you have chunks of 4 hour sessions?

We were planning 3 x 4 hour dates, 4 x 2 hour dates, and then time each morning to read Draw Close and some type of recreational activity ( like yoga, running, biking, etc.).


If we plan for that it would give us approximately 25-27 hours. Worst case we miss a 4 hour date, and two of the 2 hour dates and a morning or two it still leaves us north of 15 hours.


We are going to have some alone time with my daughter and future husband to be Friday night. Talking about it with my wife this morning, we want to set a great example for them by having the best marriage possible for us, and also allowing them to grow into theirs.

There isn't a better gift I can think of for their life other than the MB Principles.



______________________________
Me: FWH 44, BW: 41 Married 1/2/1993
D-Day: Nov. 2011
In Recovery
Started Online Program with Accountability Coach 1/10/2014

li_runner:
Good idea to have a "cushion" of extra UA time. Anything that helps you both be in romantic love is great. Dr. H said that men are often shocked at their wives behaviour once they flip over the romantic love threshold... (Nicely shocked, that is!) Suddenly (and it usually IS suddenly...) the W is very amorous. And few H's dislike this!!

The only caveat about having a time cushion is: don't get complacent, thinking that you can skip a date or two. Keep the pressure on to make it a priority. Soon enough, the priority is self-fulfilling... You both will want MORE time together, not less...

Glad to hear how great you are doing...

It doesn't sound like you are enthusiastic about your soon to be living arrangements.

kerala:

I am, the only reservation I have had is that once they move in and get established we would be "stuck" living there until they are ready to move out on their own.

I suppose - if another opportunity to move out of state comes along we could make it happen... they would just come along!!

Don't get me wrong - I think my daughter her future husband are awesome. We are going to have a blast. And being close to our new grand daughter/son is going to be awesome.

The point is that we are still not getting our UA time together.

Tonight we were going to have time, but a family dinner has come up. A birthday party. Its going to be fun - but like I said there is always something that gets in the way of our UA time.

I think this weekend we are going to have to sit down on Sunday and not do anything until we have a detailed map of the week ahead!