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So here is my story. WS has been saying for years that he has many 40+ women at and around his job that constantly hit on him and he always refuses. He knows and understands all the problems that comes with affairs and frankly doesn't have time or the energy to figure out what he told to whom. This seemed like a great explanation during talks before. Honestly I was often concerned about the attention he gets from these women because he is a great looking, very manly man who is a challenge. He is far from touchy freely and is a bit of a mystery. For instance, I can never really know what he is thinking or how he is feeling, because unless he says it, you can't really read it. I'm sure all those horny unhappy women just ate it up. As far as our marriage, I don't know what he could be unhappy about, seriously he has it made. He says jump and I say how high. I joke of course, but there is some truth in that. He does what he likes, everything is his decision. A well informed and logical decision, but still his. Really, other then complaints about me not putting things away, I don't know what he could not be happy with. As far as sex, its me who is usually unhappy since my desires much more often go unanswered then his. come to think of it, i don't ever remember his going unanswered.
Anyway,about 2 weeks ago I happen to find out that he didn't go to work when he said he did, and instead was at a motel all day!!! As soon as I confronted with this information, he briefly tried to deny but then ultimately confessed. He right away said that from this moment on, it's over, he will have 0 contact with the OW, and he will do whatever it takes to work on us. He will Never lie to me again, even these lies have made him feel terrible and this is the only thing that he lied to me about.
I believe what he says. I have never caught him in a lie before, even during fights or ever. He is not the type. He said the A didn't mean anything he rejected her many times before and he doesn't know what made him not reject her that one time. He said it wasn't even worth it, meaning he didn't really enjoy it that much. Maybe it was exciting at first, but he has been thinking of ending it anyway because situation at home is changing and he will need to help out and do more at home. He said he really needs to realign his priorities and this was getting in they way and is taking up his time and energy. He even said he is a bit glad I found out because the affair should have been over. Of course he is very sorry he hurt me and it breaks his heart to see me like this knowing it's his fault, and for such a stupid reason.
I had some thoughts of sending him packing, but as soon as he said that he only loves me and its over those thoughts disintegrated. Of course I was a big mess the first few days and still am, but from what i read, whats beginning to really bother me is that i don't know much about the affair. He does not want to tell me how long its been going on other then to say that its been a few months, not how they met, other then to say she caught him by surprise and he just didn't not know how to react. He said that not for one second did he thing to leave me or the kids.
For the last 2 weeks, he has been pretty supportive. not to the extend that i would want. Like I want him to grovel and be as devastated as me. He seems more like this is the past, the future will be better and i we will be just fine. He is there for me when I need him to be comforting, and hasnt yet learned to deal with me when i get angry, but is trying.
Of course im watching him very closely, and he has given me access to all his phone/locations/etc. calls me a few times a day to make sure im ok. I truly believe that he will not contact the other woman again, and he wants our future to be better then before.
I too am very hopeful, since I was more unhappy then him. My constant issues with him was that i did not feel that he really needed me as a partner. For instance he wouldn't really share his day with me or ask for my advice. So, im very much looking forward to a better relationship between us and am very hopeful that this would be a turning point for us.
However what haunts me is that i dont really know what led to the affair and based on what I read its very important to find out and understand. I can see that he tenses up as soon as i ask questions. I think he is trying to minimize hurting me further. I fear it wasn't just a few months, im very much worried that its been years. So at this point i dont know what to do? I dont want to pry the information out of him and have him resent me. During talks, he did mention that he will not tell me about the affair. In his mind, as long as its over and he is committed to me and to healing, we will be just fine.
Counseling is also out of the question for him. i pointed him to the site, but i dont think he actually looked at it. Not sure what my next steps are. Please help.
DDay Dec 21 2013
2 kids
married 16 years
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Hi iwillsurvivethis, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. Unfortunately, your marriage is not on the right path to recovery. So far, you and your husband have swept it under the rug. That leads to more affairs and eventually a divorce. The conditions that led to the affair have to be eliminated. Please read the following information and come back and discuss: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.
I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.
The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.
This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.
An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.
After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be
your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.
Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.
Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67
The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.
These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.
Checklist for How Affairs Should End
_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I dont want to pry the information out of him and have him resent me. During talks, he did mention that he will not tell me about the affair. In his mind, as long as its over and he is committed to me and to healing, we will be just fine. That is not acceptable. You have a right and a need to know everything. He does not have a choice about it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have read this, and fear that its true. But I dont know how I can get him to agree to this plan?
DDay Dec 21 2013
2 kids
married 16 years
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IWST,
From your description your WH is a man who is used to getting what he wants when he wants it. He sounds a bit narcissistic and will say anything to maintain his perfect image. Such a person will push the blame onto their affair partners as they never want to be wrong.
I suggest you get a polygraph for your WH as this is not likely his first or last affair. If your WH is being honest he will jump at the chance to vindicate himself.
Also STD testing.
God Bless
Gamma
Last edited by Gamma; 01/07/14 02:23 PM.
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actually, he keeps saying its not my fault at all. Even when i push him, he keeps telling me that it has nothing to do with me, and he is very happy with me. We had a few problems in the past, but he says he is happy now, and really doesnt know why he was in the affair other then to say he is stupid.
DDay Dec 21 2013
2 kids
married 16 years
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Gamma, you are right of course about him getting what he wants, but i dont know how to get what i want, which is the truth. on the other hand my worst case scenario about the A lasting years and not months is a frightening one.
DDay Dec 21 2013
2 kids
married 16 years
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You need to identify your boundries, Iwill.
You don't need to get him to agree. He will agree or not agree on his own.
You need to make the decision that you will not live like this.
Regardless.
And once you have made that decision, you need to protect it.
And you need to be prepared to take action if he doesn't respect it.
Consider this statement: I will not remain married to a man that does not tell me truth about my life.
Now, your husband has a decision to make. He can tell you the truth. Or he can refuse.
The next step is yours. If he refuses, you need to be prepared to leave or make him leave. And once he understands that you will seriously protect this boundry, he again, will either decide to give you the truth, or he doesn't get to stay married to you.
You can't beg the truth out of him.
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IWST,
You need to speak with the OW, she may give you some insight into the real person your WH is at work.
Is this OW married or does she have a boy fiend?
God Bless
Gamma
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IWST,
You need to speak with the OW, she may give you some insight into the real person your WH is at work.
Is this OW married or does she have a boy fiend?
God Bless
Gamma I think speaking to OW to try and get help from her is a waste of time is is likely to end up hurting your feelings. Dr Harley recommends that betrayed husbands confront the other man and tell him that the husband will fight for his marriage. I have not seen him say this for betrayed wives, but that might be the only reason to speak to her - to put the fear of God into her (although not to warn her that you will expose her to her H, boyfriend, workplace or anywhere else. You will expose and you will never warn either her or your H that this is coming). If you ring her to ask her what is and has been going on, and whether your H flirts a lot at work and whether there have been any other affairs or rumours of affairs, she will exploit your vulnerability and take great pleasure in turning the knife into your heart. How will you know if she is telling you the truth? If she says your H is a low-down, dirty dog with any woman with a pulse, will you believe her? If she tells you that he is a living saint and has fallen in love with her because you (BW) neglected him, will you believe her? Seek nothing from her. She won't help you.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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I dont know who she is. From my understanding she has an "open" relationship with her h
DDay Dec 21 2013
2 kids
married 16 years
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But your "understanding" probably comes from your lying WH, who has a vested interest in having you think there is no reason to contact the other woman's husband.
WH/OW wants you to think he doesn't care...
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IWST,
Can you hire a PI, private investigator, to figure out who it is? Does your WH control the money preventing you from doing so?
There is no way you can go through life without knowing who the OW is. It is horrible for your WH to believe he can get away with this.
The open relationship claim is likely a lie.
Do you have access to your WHs cell phone bill?
God Bless
Gamma
Last edited by Gamma; 01/07/14 03:06 PM.
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iwill, do you have the book Surviving an Affair?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I have access to everything, i control the money, and I have never seen anything questionable in terms of spending. nor have i seen large cash withdrawals.. I cannot tell by the phone bill either....
I will get the book as well...
DDay Dec 21 2013
2 kids
married 16 years
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I dont know who she is. From my understanding she has an "open" relationship with her h He might be interested in hearing about this so I would contact him. iwillsurvivethis, you will not survive this with such a complacent, meek approach.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have access to everything, EXCEPT his secret second life....
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I dont know who she is. From my understanding she has an "open" relationship with her h Well, if this is true, then it won't hurt at all for you to contact her husband. His response would be like "Oh, yeah. I remember your husband. We had him over for dinner and drinks, and I gave him permission to sleep with my wife indiscriminately." Except... yeah. That never happens. Even with an "open marriage." Spouses in "open marriages" arrive her occasionally because one spouse or the other broke the rules of the "open" arrangement. Find out who she is. Contact her husband. I'm sure he'd like to know he's in an open marriage.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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I can't contact the husband I dont know who she is... I tried to find out, but I got nothing. I see a bunch of unlisted calls from back then, but nothing else. He mentioned she contacted him via work.
DDay Dec 21 2013
2 kids
married 16 years
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