I would like to ask for prayer for my marriage and any guidance that can be shared. My marriage has been in crisis for the last few months. I had an affair that ended 2 years ago. It lasted about 6-8 months, for the first part of the affair my husband had left the house our of anger (we had some serious problems brewing in the marriage) and I would not let him back in. I thought he had an affair 6 months before,which is no excuse, but I think I was looking to find out if I could understand what he got/was looking for. He came back into the house before the affair was over. It took me several months before I was able to end it - however it is over now. During the next year husband did not waver in his desire to continue our marriage, to work on things. I did not believe that he could put this behind him so quickly, so I was very very slow to engage in the marriage again. I started graduate school too (not the best idea for a stressed marriage) and have just graduated. We were up and down over the past 2 years - but I thought we were gaining some ground. He started acting very angry about 3 months ago (about a month after I graudated). And the anger has only increased. He is now saying he cannot work on our marriage any more - that he doesnt have the heart for it, that he has tried and tried and that he is tired. He went to counseling twice and now says he doesn't have the heart for that. He asked for a separation. We have two children at home. Both are worried that we will divorce. I keep praying for my family to remain whole.
I had not really ever put my husband first before, or thought that I would fight it if he wanted to divorce. I feel that God has put the desire to continue our marriage in my heart. I am working on meeting his needs. But he is still saying he wants to "talk" (about separating). When I read the website, it seems that the advice is directed at getting both members of the couple to work together. I am working on this alone right now. I am not sure how to respond to his desire/request for a separation. Prayer is definately needed. Adivce would be very appreciated. I do not know how to get him to engage. I feel he still loves me or he would have left by now, but then I begin to panic whenever I feel he is trying to go. Please help!

I forgot to mention - we have been married for 18 years - I love my husband very very much. I appreciate your input!

What are his complaints about you? What has he tried to do that has not worked? Can you be more specific?

Have you ended ALL contact with your OM? Is he completely out of your life? Is he married, and if so, does his wife know about the affair?

He keeps brining up the affair, that he is angry about my lying to him. He says we fight too much, that we do not have anything in common, etc. We went to counseling, we stopped because I got too busy with school. He has continued to see a counselor on an individual basis. The "work" he is referring to is reading and working on himself. Trying to be home more (that was a problem) and have a better relationship with the kids

I have not contacted the OM in over a year. He has texted me once in the past year (I did not respond). The OM is not married. I have told my family. My husband has told his family. I have not and will not contact the OM. My husband has stated that he believes it is over and that it would never happen again.

When was the last time you had any contact with the OM? What have you done to prove to your H the affair is over?

My question was: "Have you ended ALL contact with your OM? Is he completely out of your life?" Apparently, you have not ended contact if he still contacts you.

I am sorry your husband "believes" it would never happen again, because that is a dangerous illusion.

I think I spoke with him sometime last fall (over a year ago). We worked together, and the contact lasted longer than the affair. I have offered open access to my email/computer, etc. to my H. He says he does not need to see it. He recently posted a profile on a "dating" kind of website (it was more porn based) that I found. He did not contact anyone, but did read the emails. He said he was lonely. I am not sure if he is involved at this point, or just looking. But this is the first time in a very long time that he has brought up the affair again.

*sorry the He is my husband, the him is the OM

The problem is that your contact with the OM was dragged out [you worked with him] and he can still contact you TODAY. Your husband surely senses he is not safe with you. So, that is where I would start. Change your contact information so this loser cannot contact you. You have to take steps to affair proof your marriage and that is step one.

I will post the steps and will be back with more later:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

GOSTATE,

Has your H told you everything about his affair do you know who the OW is? Has OW been exposed.

Also has their been exposure of the OM, was he your superior at work, in any event work exposure is needed. Did your H confront OM?

God Bless
Gamma

Why I haven't you changed all your contact information?

Have you been tested for STD/I?

I will change my info, that is a wonderful idea. He denies the OW was an affair. I no longer work with OM.

My H did not confront OM. I don't work there, should I suggest a confrontation?

Gostate,

More importantly you need to expose OM to HR and his supervisor, there has to be a downside to this for OM.

Has OMs parents grandparents and etc been informed?

God Bless
Gamma

OM has been fired

What EPs have you put in place?
Extraordinary Precautions

Have you been tested for STD/I?

Is this where my H anger is coming from? Lack of resolution?

gostate, I would go to your husband and offer him a PLAN to save your marriage. We can give you a plan to affair proof your marriage and restore the romantic love. Doing that would alleviate his resentment. However, you have to understand that every time that OMturd contacts you, puts your husband back to DAY 1 of recovery. It is like being raped over and over again. So making it impossible for him to contact you has to be step one of this plan.

Please go read all the links in "start here first" thread and come back and lets discuss. The plan is outlined there. [and in the book Surviving an Affair, which I would strongly advise that you get]