I do agree. Its amazing just when you find out where people really stand when things are down. I can tell you it felt sincerely like I was meant to be kicked. It took a while to get passed that.

The people on this site are really great and have incredible insight in how to deal with these things. I really hope you are able to get things turned around for you and your family.

Clay

Just stopping in for an update.

Thanksgiving went well. We went to my mom's. I chopped down our Christmas tree and hauled it out of the farm by myself this year (the boys were with me), this was usually my WH's task.

I had a session with Steve last week. He said I was doing well. We still haven't signed a separation agreement (we agreed but he didn't sign). Steve said not to push it...if he is following the agreement then there is no need to push the signature.

However, today I got a call from my attorney. WH got a new atty who was now contacting my atty for information. My atty doesnt know what this mean about our previous agreement. We may start back at square one. She did not say anything about him filing for divorce, but perhaps that is why he got a new atty?

Oh, and he said he wanted my cell phone number. My state law requires me to give it to him. I create a Google talk number at the advice of my attorney. I am trying to figure out how to make it ring differently and not allow text/voicemail.

Sorry for the multiple posts. I actually have a question. How do those in Plan B talk to distant relatives at Christmas? The relatives that don't already know what is going on (some Aunts, Uncles, Cousins)?

I will go to my side of the family's Christmas party in a couple weekends and I imagine most will ask where my husband and children are (he has them that weekend). How should I respond?

Also, I was wanting to send a letter to WH's extended family, those we only see at Christmas. I'm not sure if they know what is going on and I am very sad that I don't get to see them this year (it is likely his mom hasn't told anyone). Would this be advised? Could I post a draft on here for comments?

You never exposed to these extended relatives?

The relatives on your side that you'll see at Christmas don't know about his affair or they do?

Sorry, I got busy with Christmas and didn't make it back to the boards.

I did send a note to my WHs extended family (not originally exposed to). I didn't get any response. This didn't bother me too much.

We made it through Christmas without any breaks in Plan B. I could go into the millions of ways his behavior disappointed me (missing drop off times with the kids, etc). But it doesn't really matter. I had a good Christmas with my boys. We celebrated the birth of Christ. It helped me to refocus on the most important thing in the this life, the one person who will never disappoint, and the only person that can and should feel that lonely void. I have found a way to not feel lonely...even if I was all alone.

Just a note...I have spoken to OW BH (xH)...they are now divorced. OW is showing cracks. She has been talking to her xH about how their marriage could have been better and even sent him an article about recovery after divorce. They have gone on family dates and share joking emails/texts. She has told him she is confused. I'm not sure what this means. At the very least it implies she is not being honest with my WH. She is likely just being manipulative. Either way, it feels a bit good to know that its not working out the way they hoped it would.

I realize this could be a crack in Plan B however, I spoke to Steve about it and he wasn't concerned with me talking to OW BH occasionally. It doesn't bother me at all. It doesn't "get my hopes up" or make me feel any worse or better. I guess I just see it all as not mattering until my WH decides to end his affair and commit to making our marriage great. Or maybe God has another plan for me....

My husband just sent a text through the IM that him and his girlfriend "decided to break up so we can be with the kids more and attempt repairing our marriages."

He then called our home number and I answered before I had a chance to respond via our IM. I told him I wanted to repair our marriage and I missed him but that I was scared to get hurt again. I said of course he could not talk to OW again. He then started crying and said he would call me back as he was unable to talk.

What do I say??? I sent an email to set up an appt with STeve. I am just unsure of where to go from here. Why am I not elated?? I am so scared.

IWBH,

Well this sounds like another textbook case of an affair relationship crumbing before the 2nd year mark. It's almost like we should send the betrayed spouse an egg timer which is set to go off in two years, and have them check it once a month.

God Bless
Gamma

So what do I do/say? I do not want another failed recovery. I dont have it in me to deal with that.

Can someone point me in the direction of a thread that talks about what to do when your WH says he wants to come home after Plan B?

I spoke on the phone with my husband. Mostly just chitchat about the boys and his business. We agreed he would come over tomorrow for a bit to play in the snow with the kiddos and me. I'm not sure if this is what I should do. I'm not sure if I should wait until I have a no contact letter and a new phone number from him. I hope I am not harming the kids by him being around when I am unsure of his commitment.

Has he MET EVERY ONE of your EP's from your Plan B letter regarding the conditions that MUST be MET before you will consider R?

I think, you know that answer, IF you intend to follow Dr. H's program for a SUCCESSFUL Recovery of your M.

What are his ACTIONS telling you vs. what his words or intentions?

Hold firm for the Right boundaries to be met, otherwise it's still Plan B time.

LTL

I was trying to find the checklist for you but I couldn't.

I would def get no contact letter from him at once. He has to agree to transparency, honesty, EP's, POJA,, RH....

Do not come out of Plan B until he has met the requirements set forth in your PBL. Please tell us what those requirements were. Hopefully they were along the lines of what RQ posted above....

Okay. I already messed up. I spoke to him on the phone last night before I realized that was not okay. He has agreed to no contact for life and attending coaching with Steve. He agreed to complete transparency. I am trying to find a copy of my plan B letter to list out my requirements. But I don't remember them being very detailed. More along the lines of end affair and no contact for life. I didn't spell out changing phone/passwords, no overnights and such.

I use a google talk number too.
Thats a good idea and free

The first step your WH should do is write a No Contact letter (copied from the book) and give it to you for approval. It should then be mailed certified mail to the ow.

I would not let him move in until you speak with Steve and he recommends it.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Here Extraordinary Precautions

Thanks all. Got my book out now and am looking at the same checklist. I know he has this book too. Do I send him a link to the list?

I definitely am not ready for him to move in. We both talked about taking it slow. Honestly that wording on his part worried me. I understand my concern for him moving in. He says he is scared about us dating and him doing everything right so he doesn't hurt me again.

I sent him a text telling him that a no contact letter was the first step. I think this will be the third letter he has sent, so it holds very little weight for me.

Oh good, Brainy girl found it! That was the one I was looking for