Let me also suggest rereading this entire thread and each of the suggestions made.

And repeat the suggestion to email Dr. Harley and Joyce on their radio program.

Did you ever snoop?

Have you read this? What to do With an Angry Husband

Have you written Dr. Harley?

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

You might also review what E said about anger being a poison. She changed from viewing angry outbursts as a mere personality flaw to viewing them as completely forbidden, something that should just not be an option. She determined that no matter what happened she would not have an angry outburst. And after all, problems don't become better when we take poison, and they don't become better when we go temporarily insane.

I'm sorry to say that I never really took this seriously until I came here. And even then it took quite a while.

It helps to distinguish between the feeling of frustration (which is a normal and natural reaction) and the behavior of an angry outburst (which is a habit+choice of response to the feeling of frustration).

What your five children need is a mother and father who do not respond to difficulties by going temporarily insane. I think that's very achievable - we need to find out how your husband is going to respond to this idea, whether he is going to accept it or not.

Jazzy, can you contact Prisca directly? We'd like to send you a copy of the book Love Busters, which outlines the basic plan for overcoming demands, disrespect, and angry outbursts. I would show this book to your husband and tell him you want to follow it with him.

If you email Dr. Harley and have a question on the radio program, they'll probably send you the same book, but we'd like to get it to you ASAP.

Glad to see you back, Jazzy. Been praying for you.

Have you read the link in my signature on what to do with an angry husband? If not, I suggest you do that now.

Your story sounds so familiar. Markos and I used to be there, and I know how traumatic it is to live like that. Things CAN get better. Your marriage CAN be saved, IF your husband is willing to change.

Right now, the biggest issue in your marriage is the AOs.No other problem can be addressed until the AOs are eliminated. Don't try to discuss the budget right now. You both need to work on protecting each other first.

Have you showed him this program? Have you asked him to eliminate his AOs? Do these things before separating. If he refuses to do anything to change, then you may need to consider separation.

In the meantime, work on remaining calm. Do not lovebust him yourself.

Can you introduce him to this program then come back and tell us how he responded?

Thank you all for responding. You are all right that I was wrong to have an AO this morning and it did not help matters at all. I called my husband to apologize and he apologized, as well. I know I can control myself and I will not do it again.

He said he will not bring up the budget again and he is willing to work on things. The problem is, I don't think he believes things are really that bad. He thinks this is just normal marriage stress (due to work, kids, etc.), and I am making a big deal out of things. But, I am feeling like our marriage is falling apart and like all the progress we've made over the years has been lost.

I am at a birthday party with my oldest son. I will reread all of the responses thoroughly as soon as I get home, so we can begin this new year with a plan.

Should I move back into our bedroom?

Thank you all so much for your help.

Oh, and yes, I have been watching very carefully. No affair that I can see. He spent the entire last two weeks with us 100%. No phone calls, texting or anything.

He is just shy of being a workaholic. Work is my main competition. He acknowledges that this needs to change, but he has always been very driven and I know it will be REALLY hard for him to change in this area.

Very good job on apologizing! I am not surprised that he thinks things are not that bad -- it is usually the wife who senses the problems in marriage before the husband does. The question is, will he listen to your complaints even if he thinks things are pretty much ok.

This is what you should do:
1. Get the book Lovebusters (email me and I will send it to you)
2. Ask your husband to read through it with you and make a plan to stop the behaviors that hurt you
3. Promise your husband that you will also stop hurting him, and will use this book to help you do so
4. Let us know what he says

For now, yes, move back into your bedroom. In home separation doesn't work. Show him that you are willing to repair the marriage.

Dr. Harley is a workaholic, too. The difference is that he makes sure his wife gets the undivided attention time she needs in order to stay in love with him. And that's what makes it work -- as long as the two of you get enough time alone together, he can spend the rest of his time working.

Okay, I will talk to him tonight about the book.

How do I email you? I tried to send a PM, but it would not go thru.

Should I still email Dr. Harley? If so, do I just send what I've written here?

Email Dr. Harley to the address above with a summary of everything.

Great!

Either PM me on the parenting forum we're on, or click notify at the bottom of my post and ask the mods to give you my email address.

I would personally wait to email Dr. Harley until after you introduce the program to your husband. See how your husband responds. Anything Dr. Harley advises you will probably be based on your husband's willingness to work on things.

Prisca, I contacted the mods for your email address.

Would it be just as good to order the kindle version now so I can talk to my husband about it tonight?

I was thinking I could also get him the audiobook version of Love Busters since he is not a big reader. He would be more apt to listen on his way to work.

Should I talk to him about scheduling UA time as was suggested earlier in the thread or should I not worry about that right now?

Yes, Jazzy, I think getting the kindle version immediately would be great.

And the audio books for non-big readers are great, as is the radio show. If you can get your husband to listen to the Love Busters audio book and become a regular listener of that show it will do a lot of good. Dr. Harley addresses angry outbursts on the radio show at least once a week. (He overcame angry outbursts himself, years ago.)

Agreed!
And go ahead and talk about UA time and emotional needs, as well.

Got the kindle version last night, and the audiobook is on the way. We will sit down this afternoon to discuss and schedule UA time. I hope this helps!

Thanks for all the advice!

I was also thinking about having him see if our pastor would help him out with accountability as he has really helped us in the past. Do you think that is a good idea?

How did the discussion go?

Is your pastor familiar with marriage builders? If not, it would be good for him to read the books, so that he will know and understand what you are trying to accomplish. A good one would be Dr. Harley's "Effective Marriage Counseling" in addition to Lovebusters and His Needs Her Needs. A lot of this basic information is also available for free on this website.

The main goal is to use this program to develope a plan to restore romantic love. If your pastor is willing to help you with that, that's great.

I want to go ahead and warn you right now: be careful not to cherry pick what you will follow in the program. The whole program must be followed, or it doesn't work. It also cannot be supplemented with other programs. If the two of you follow it to the letter, your marriage is going to be wonderful in 3-4 months.

Keep in contact here! We can help answer questions and give encouragement along the way.

The discussion went well. He said he wants to give it a try. I fell asleep while we were talking about UA time Sunday night. I thought he had probably forgotten all about it, but last night he picked up 2 cupcakes from a bakery I really like, and he put the kids to bed promptly and told them we were having a date. We played Scrabble.

It was very thoughtful of him, but I was sooooooo tired it was hard to enjoy myself. How do you and Markos fit in UA time with having so many kids and responsibilities?

I think our pastor is familiar with MB materials. He recommended His Needs Her Needs to my husband a while back, but I don't think he ever read it. I got him the audiobook version the other night when I bought Love Busters.

I think a real life coach will be better for us because my husband does not do much of anything online. No FB, twitter, forums, etc. He does email and that's mostly it other than work stuff. Is there a database anywhere of MB friendly counselors?

Another problem I am having is that I feel so resentful about all of the stress of the past few months. Did you have those feelings? Do they just fade away over time? It is hard for me to trust that things won't go back to status quo once I let my guard down.