Hello. I am a new member to this site. My relationship is 6 months old, and three months into the relationship I learned that my significant other was being unfaithful. Not physically, because he was spending all of his spare time with me, but he was texting and emailing words of affection to another woman. I found later that he was in the process of divorcing this woman since before we met because she was manipulating him to destroy his law enforcement career. She filed some false charges against him that were later dropped, but he said only because he agreed to marry her. I knew about her before but was never told they were married and was told by him that he wanted nothing to do with her. The texts and emails were contradictory to that, and in fact were the same words he spoke to me. He was telling her he loved her and was denying his relationship with me. He claimed it was because he wanted a divorce and she wouldn't give it to him if he didn't appease her. I know he filed for the divorce. He was the petitioner. I have no reason to believe the infidelity went beyond texts and emails, but the aftermath still feels the same. Anger, hurt, resentment, and betrayal are all still very present. We are seeking counseling and I can see that he is truly sorry for his actions and feels a lot of guilt. He states he was just trying to do what he could to get out of that situation so that we could move forward. I believe that he believes this was the most efficient way to do it, even though I completely disagree with it. We are not married, but outside of this incident, we have never had any issues. My question is this. Since we are not married, and have no long term history of trust or a long term relationship to fall back on, how do I learn to trust him with my heart? I could go on and on about his good qualities, which are the things that have kept me in this so far. However, how do I get to a point where I could say yes to a proposal some day? I want to fight for that, because before this happened, I would have said yes if he asked me tomorrow. Now, the same doesn't stand true, but I would like to get back to that point. Thanks.

Welcome to MB.

We have a saying here. Dating is an interview for marriage. He failed the interview, because he's still MARRIED.

Please go tell his wife.

Please read this.
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

He is texting words of affection to his WIFE???!!!

That is not infidelity, honey. At least not to you, but it is to her.

He has tricked you into being his mistress.

He did not mention that he was married = liar. And he is also denying the affair with you when he talks to her!

Just consider the following



He married her to avoid false charges? That simply isnt credible.


The SAME words he said to you. Consider.



Again not credible. Aside from which you don't seem too informed about divorce laws. Spouses don't 'give' each other divorces, like breaking up a dating relationship, they need a true and legal reason for dissolving the marriage, like adultery or abuse or neglect. They don't need their spouse to OK it.

That is fairly important actually. You don't leave a marriage due to boredom or because you entered into it as a bargaining chip to get something from the other party. Marriage is a permanent state, not to be entered into lightly.

Can you get hold of his betrayed wife and inform her that he is having an affair? That way the poor woman WILL have a legal reason for divorce and can get a better marriage with someone who is not a cheat.



He may have good qualities, but I doubt they outweigh pathologically lying to both you and her, having no respect for the state of marriage and adultery. It's like a really nice jacket with a big rent up the back. Much as you wish it didnt have this huge deal breaking flaw - it does.

Even if he did file for the D (and how do you know who did?) it's clear he plans on using the separation to have the best of both worlds - wife and mistress.

Tell the wife.

You found out this sheep is a wolf in sheeps clothing. Tell his wife and excise mr. Playa from your life. You deserve better.

Indiegirl, thank you for replying. I should clarify that they are divorced currently. They were married for four months and never had a "wedding" or lived together. I do have proof of the divorce, and significant evidence from family and friends that they never resided together. His family had no knowledge of the marriage until I found out. He told no one because of the circumstances behind it. When we began dating, he lived alone with his daughter. I visited frequently. Trust me, I know exactly what it appears to be from an outside perspective. I had difficulty accepting explanation from him, but he has proven many things to me through friends and family that support his story. I am a very independent strong successful female and would never stick with this person if I didn't feel that his story was credible, even if his logic and reason makes absolutely no sense to me. I get everything you are saying, but there is a bit more to it. I absolutely would not continue a relationship with a married man, regardless of the circumstances. What I am trying to do is get advice on how he and I can move forward to become a strong couple, and how I can get past the resentment, as I have already made a decision to move forward with our relationship. Thanks again.

Did you read this?

Here.
Preparing for Marriage

Thanks to everyone else for replying, as well. Didn't see them all the first time.

Oh that much is obvious, believe me. Rest assured I don't consider you in that class by any means. If you were OK with dating a married man, he would never have needed to hide it.




OK. Marriagebuilder principles cannot be applied to salvaging your situation but if you want to do it, that is entirely your call. Good luck with that.

Quote:
" The texts and emails were contradictory to that, and in fact were the same words he spoke to me. He was telling her he loved her and was denying his relationship with me. He claimed it was because he wanted a divorce and she wouldn't give it to him if he didn't appease her. I know he filed for the divorce."
Unquote:

Something about his story, or your understanding of his story does not hold water.

Further, if you do read about the Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders link you were provided, you will see what unbiased outsiders so clearly and readily see.

Sooo, has he lied significantly to you already?

Clearly, the answer is a resounding Yes.

Additionally, for whatever reason or excuse he fed you about why he Had To marry his wife, he has a proven track record of lying to her as well.

Please take a step back and see these very core characteristics of this man.

It still sounds like he is still married though, based on your 1st original post, but regardless, is such a betraying liar worth investing your emotions and life with?

LTL

Oh, boxergirl.

I respect men in law enforcement, after all, my H is one, and I spent years in it myself.

However, there are a few that really do take some sort of alpha-male attitude to the extreme. You've landed one.

What he said about dropping charges if he married her? Bogus. Maybe you believe him, because he is a cop and you love him. But take it from me, it's an almost comical statement and he knows it - but you believe it.

He knows you are the kind of girl who will believe his foolishness. He has you right where he wants you.

You were his mistress. You aren't his only one, either. You really think you are? I'll bet if you dug deep enough, you'd find that you were one of many.

How about talking to his ex-wife and get the real side of the story? When you are ready to actually believe the truth, and not what you want it to be?

Just because you want something to be true, doesn't make it true.