ak1, from the sounds of it, she seems to be blaming her affair on you and you seem to be accepting the blame. I understand and accept that problems in the marriage might have made her affair more tempting, but she would not have had an affair if she didn't have such poor boundaries around men.

Has that changed? Is she willing to eliminate all opposite sex friendships and live a completely transparent, affair proofed lifestyle? That is what I would be checking.

Because this has nothing to do with "forgiveness" or "bitterness" on the part of JediKnight. It has everything to do with whether or not she has changed her behavior to protect you from another affair. Does she understand that it was her poor boundaries that led to the affair?

I am not "bitter" at all, but I agree with JediKnight that you should be very careful about walking back into that situation. Your wife is not like other women, in that your wife has a poor history of hurting you terribly in pursuit of her desires.

I really do hope you and your wife can get back together for the sake of you and your children. That would ideal. If you decide to do that, I would IMPLORE you and your XW to go through the MB program to make sure you never have to go through this again.

I'm not bitter, either, and I agree completely with every word of what MelodyLane just said. I'll have to scroll up and read Jedi's posts, but lately he has been one of the best posters on this forum, so I would imagine he is probably offering you some sound advice.

I hope you and your wife are able to reconcile - start listening to the radio show.

I don't want to change the direction of this thread, but if you get some time you might want to read this thread starting with this post: forgiveness discussion There are some excellent posts on this topic there.

I agree that we should not "use our bitter past" to condemn despicable behavior. We should use our sense of decency to do so. One does not have to have been the victim of adultery to know that lying and cheating are deplorable acts.

ak1, you are starting to sound like a wayward, my friend.

I'm not a wayward, nor am I in the fog. Reconciliation won't happen unless we go through MB. I will not budge on that.

No she is not justifying or blaming the affair on me, but she is hurt over a lot of things from our past where I treated her poorly, as I am also hurt.

It sounds like I stirred up the hornets nest over my last post, but I made it clear that MB was the only way and that she was on board, and still got told that I should avoid seeing her because she ruined the family.

I'm leaving now, and will post back later.

AK,
I've not posted on this part of the forums, but I have been reading your saga, and I will chime in. If it helps, I am posting from the perspective of someone who re-married my fww.

First of all, if you can reconcile with your exwife your family is reunited, that would be the best possible outcome.

Secondly, people can change. In fact, in my opinion, the MB experience is about learning about what makes for a happy marriage, and applying those lessons. Doing so creates a profound, life-giving change, which leads to a blissful marriage. Something people today think is not possible, but in fact really is.

Thirdly, that change can only happen if both parties are willing to abide by the principles. You listed many of them earlier in your reply to Jedi. But you left out Extraordinary Precautions, which is what Melody Lane alluded to. If you choose to re-enter this relationship, you have to protect yourself. You need to set some nonnegotiable rules that will make you safe and that will affair proof your marriage. Be upfront with your ex wife, and establish a clear understanding that these EP's must be in place in order for the relationship to start back up. If she agrees to them enthusiastically, that's great. Date her and put it all to the test. You will know if she's committed. And you will be safe.

This may work out great for you, but you have to follow the process completely. Leaving out EP's would be a big mistake.

Good luck!

No, I didn't leave it out.

We are on your side, ak!

Sorry I missed that, and very good to see that you've included them in there.

So that leads to the question, what EP's are you going to put in place?

If I recall, there are many veteran posters on the forum who are also former wayward spouses...and they now have MB marriages and help others every day! So...with a solid plan, MB principles and confirmation at every step, there is reason to have hope.

I wonder if MB coaching would be helpful (if you decide to attempt reconciliation) - accountability for both of you, and an outside party to lead the way and point out important concepts that otherwise may get lost.

I'll be watching for updates!

I have seen others post something similar (wanting to reconcile with a divorced WS and claiming it will be using MB) but then when I question further WHAT EXACTLY the WS is doing to implement MB, there are usually crickets.

What is your xWW doing?

Has she read any of the books? Willing to call into the radio show and talk to Dr Harley? Post on the forum? Do online program?

Or is she sitting back and just letting you teach her and do all the hard work?

Exactly.

This isn't meant to beat you down for the fun of it. Nobody wants to see a BS and their children get burned AGAIN after already going through the hell of D.

ak,

I see your WW had an 11 year on again off again affair. This means she has a very long standing history of having a SSL. This is a topic that I have discussed with Dr Harley personally. It becomes a very hard habit to break and even if she seems to have turned a new leaf, she will be at high risk for slipping back into her old habits.

And even w/ extraordinary precautions put into place, risk with this OM is going to be extremely high - higher than an ordinary affair. SugarCane has posted about her experience with this and what advice Dr Harley gave her regarding EPs that needed to be implemented. Someone can probably try to find it if you are interested in reading it.

Either way, I would still urge you to call him to discuss this before you seriously consider reconciliation.

She has 4 kids by 3 different fathers (2 of them being boyfriends) and you're worried about whether she's still too overweight for you?

So, a little update on my online dating:

1. During the holidays, several ex-boyfriends (or ex- "dated a few times" gents) came out of the woodwork. I foolishly saw several of them, and now I'm having to clean off my dance card again. Lesson learned: don't let exes back into your life. There's a reason they are exes.

2. I got back on Match last Sunday and rather quickly had 4 dates lined up.

- "James" is someone I'd cancelled a date with last round because I'd met someone. He asked me out again and we met for a drink. He was nice but not really my type (witty IC is a big deal to me!).

- "Carl" is a psychologist who plays in a band. The conversation felt painfully awkward and forced. He asked me out again on the spot: I said yes out of shock but will text and tell him no thank you.

- "Ted" and I really hit it off. We bonded quickly and saw each other four times this week. Things progressed emotionally between us, and he told me that an ex-girlfriend (from 20 years ago) is visiting from out of town next weekend (which had been planned several weeks ago). We discussed it, and decided not to see each other again until he sorts out his feelings about this ex-girlfriend. My heart is pretty sad - as he said he wasn't expecting to meet someone like me, that he could see himself falling in love, etc. It was a heartbreaking few days.

- "Joe" lives out of town but was visiting this weekend. I cancelled our date before it happened because of the thing with Ted.

I suppose in all, I am glad for the chance to slow things down with Ted. But sad that such a promising relationship was cut short. Part of the reason I let my guard down with him was because several mutual friends told me that he is a wonderful man, truly peerless among their single male friends. Sad.

I'll get back on Match in a week or so. I need break to get my heart settled again. It's amazing what can happen in one week.

Regarding exes, a character in a movie said: old flames are lioe old tax returns. File them away for 7 years and then get rid of them.

Hey Z, I'm sorry about Ted. Hopefully this thing with the ex girlfriend will resolve itself quickly so you two can see each other again soon. But if that doesn't happen, you'll be ok. I know what you mean about taking a bit to get your heart settled; I find myself bothered by the ending of even short lived dating sagas. You're not alone in that regard!

Thanks TC.

It's true, dating is pretty emotionally exhausting. I'm not sure how people do it for very long...ugh.

Yup. Lesson learned.

How was your date, Jedi?