I went out for a date with my H last night, very nice resaurant with good friends. He was very high anxiety. He didn't say much, but not morose. I enjoyed the evening, when we got back to the house I made an invitation. He said no. I said, I'm disappointed, but if you feel you need to leave, go ahead. He left. Came back 1 1/2 hours later.<P>The first thought through my head seeing him at the door was something I've said to him "you don't understand what it takes for me to make an offer and be rejected." He was making an offer. I let him in. <P>Today we both ended up working, my working was a surprise and so I emailed him, he called to see if the kids needed to get anywhere. Other than that, I haven't heard from him. All day I've been saying "lowered expectations" to myself. But sheesh. I just feel brain-impaired.<P>He COULD treat me nicely, but he doesn't. He is saying he wants to work on the marriage...is this it? Is this him working on the marriage? He's lost weight, he looks hollow-eyed & sad. He's convinced he's a bad person vs what I see him as--a person who has made many bad decisions. He sees himself down this hideous road that just leads into worse and worse terrain, I say turn around or cross-over.<P>What do you do when your spouse thinks they've made too many mistakes to be forgiven? (and you HAVE forgiven and told them so. I forgive him DAILY, because there is hurt for me daily--well...some days I let the anger fester, but I forgive pretty often). What more can I do? I've been here for him through a year and a half of sheer hell. It just isn't me. He feels he's failed the kids...but he continues to do so and he doesn't see that he has the power to turn this all around. I don't have it. The kids surely don't.<P>I'm so tired of the fence. Plan A works well for me, except I get hurt. I hate B, the days I did it well, I wanted a divorce.<P>I read a post where someone said this had been the worst 6 months of their life. I thought they were so lucky...only 6 months and they're in reconciliation/recovery? And no, I don't want company in my misery. I wish no one ever had to come to this board, whether their marriage was healed in 3 weeks or 13 years.<P>Sorry, guys I'm bumming out. Worse, the temptation man comes back to town tomorrow, I really wanted to greet him with a healthier marriage. I'll practice saying "no" all night. My kids are used to my muttering...<P><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P>
