Wow, despite Dr. Harley's comment that he's not sure what else can be said, I'd say he wrote a great response to your wife and he might be able to encourage her to try it.

Which makes me think of a suggestion: why don't you offer to try moving with her, with the understanding that she can always move back if she decides she doesn't like it? One of the strategies for respectful persuasion is to come up with a test, and this might be a good one.

I think that could be labeled the "Green Acres Test", if you are familiar with the vintage TV show.

When we moved, we left behind our adult daughter. Actually, when our daughter first heard of the affair, she told us "You guys need to move". That makes me think, what does your extended family think of the idea of your moving? Would they rather see you move and form a stronger marriage? I'll bet that they won't want to be the reason for your not moving if they realize it might destroy your marriage.

I have never felt that the story she finally told me is the full truth. I was told multiple versions of 'the truth' and when hard evidence was about to be revealed I would get more of the story. It has just never added up.

da-da-da-da-da The chores. da-da-da-da-da Fresh Air. You are my wife, good bye city life... Yes I remember Green Acres.

Our parents and siblings all live in the area. I would say that most would be upset if we moved, but would get over it. Our families get together regularly to celebrate holidays, birthdays...

As I said before:

If she is concealing another affair partner, by all means keep pursuing the truth. If she is concealing the fact that an affair went physical, keep pressing.

But if she just related some details differently, STOP BRINGING IT UP. You will sabotage your own recovery. You are supposed to get everything out in one session and then never bring it up again - not come back later with details that didn't add up and bring it up again and again and again.

Affair details never totally add up because an affair simply doesn't make sense.

More advice from the rest of that post:

I'm just going to repost the whole thing. I still think you should follow it.

It is not the exact details that concern me, but if she is being open and honest about the number of times they were together. That is not just the small details, but her willingness to be truly open and honest with me. She claimed they met in the office 5 - 6 times to make out and then 3 times outside of the office for sex. The A started in June/July, I found out in mid-October and she left the company in March. The facts came out in a trickle, little by little only when there was evidence (emails, texts, OG-wife) to present the facts.

She swore to me that it was over after I found out and she continued working there. It wasn't until after we met with OG-wife and she told us that she was getting all of his text messages did my wife admit that the text messages would show that she pursued him and offered to meet him in the office basement - after I found out. But, she said he didn't take her up on the offer.

She went on the pill after the 3rd event, but then says they never met again.

That is why I say it just has never added up for me. Not the small details the big ones.

It has always been a concern of mine that she has never told me the full story.

I would make it a point, then, to move someplace in America where they have cars, boats or planes so your families can get together over the holidays. You can invite them to your new digs! People can and do create new holiday traditions all across America and they are not traumatized! But people who get divorced are typically traumatized.

THG12,

That is why I say it just has never added up for me. Not the small details the big ones.

Did any details come out after the polygraph, and were the questions comprehensive to your satisfaction?

God Bless
Gamma

Do you really think it is reasonable to consider that you can recover your M by having triggers in your environment that are constant reminders of the most horrible experience of your life?

I couldn't.

This week marks 2 years in recovery for us. I had to get it through my thick skull that I HAD to leave the past in the past and NOT bring up any painful memories...actually we keep our dialogue pretty much on today and the new memories we have created.

You will never have every singe detail of the A. Does it really matter? Why are you choosing to live in the past? What GOOD does that do you today?

Haven't you learned that when you put your hand on a hot stove it burns? By doing these things, you are torturing yourself and hindering your R.

I am living proof that by creating NEW memories and love, resentment fades.

Honestly, when we started this process I was very skeptical of this. Many on this board told me it would happen if I followed the program. It was nearly impossible early on to grasp this as even an possibility. But alas, I figured...what are my other options??

Do I still have my days? Absolutely. However, I have become much more skilled at managing memories and focusing on today.

Letting GO of the past, POJA, PORH, UA time, meeting of EN's...these are the cornerstones that build our new M which I might add is getting stronger every day.

What path will you choose today?

You talk about her story not adding up. Might be the case...My question to you is..Have the Conditions that made her A possible been eliminated? That my friend is where I would put my emphasis. This is much more important than a history lesson.

Use your energy to propel you forward not backwards.

I have nothing to add to 20YearHistory's excellent advice!

That is a great question. One that I have tried to answer for the past several months. I have had the opportunity to travel in N America, Europe and Asia. I have seen sights that many just read about on the internet. With all that said, I enjoy to come home. I have always been proud to be a resident of my community. My grandfather was the first mayor of this city. My father served the church and the city. I created a non-profit and took over struggling athletic facilities from the city and made them work.

One of my visions that I spoke to my wife about was the fact that in today's society we spend more time with our neighbors than our family. Why is that? My theory was because our free time comes sporadically and when it is available we spend it with people we like that live near us. I talked about building a large shared family room that is connected to two or three family homes and living near our relatives.

The greatest joy in my life is watching my young adult children grow up. Having them pop into the house for dinner and we sit for an hour afterwards laughing and joking at the dining room table. You have to pry our children away from the table, they enjoy the time so much.

I know it is possible to get a job in a new city/state. I realize my possessions can be packed into a truck and driven to a new home. I am just looking for another answer so that I don't have to give up what I enjoy the most. I am not sure that I can do it.

The devastation that followed infidelity took its toll on me. As Dr Harley says I was a perfect candidate for infidelity, because I never thought it would happen to me. Never. I told everyone I knew that it was a perfect time to travel and expand my career because my kids were both in college. Oops. That was a mistake.

I ran on adrenaline, until depression and PTSD kicked in. I changed positions at work so that I would not have to travel and soon the level of interest that I had in my job was less and less. When 30 jobs went to China 12 months ago, mine was one of them. I spent the next 8 weeks looking for a new job. Luckily for me 5 job offers followed.

I feel that I have lost twice. Infidelity and then a 25 year career. Once I stopped obsessive thinking and started to feel. The feelings came rushing in. The red anger I felt for the OG was replaced with anger and disbelief for my wife. The stone look on my face is a dead give away of the anger that I am feeling lately. I am working to find the answer. I understand many many people find the answer by packing up and moving away. I am concerned that my wife and I will enjoy life in another state. I am not counting it out, but I am not running down to U-Haul to buy moving cartons either.

I would like to give our life in our current community 3 - 6 months to see if it will work. I want to find a way to overcome my feeling of despair. I realize it might not be possible. That the dozen reminders of the past might be too much to overcome. I get that. But, before I give up I would like to try one more time.

I had a birthday this past weekend. I was traveling for work last week. Before I left my wife and I agreed to go out on Saturday night with our kids, watch a football game, have some good food, fun and call it a b-day party. When I returned home on Friday there were no plans made. The kids had other things going on. I was mad. Didn't my wife love me? She would have made the plans if it were the kids b-day or maybe the OG's. We had a bad weekend. The anger and my feelings are finally coming to the surface.

I look to the past for answers to the future. I learn from the past. I had a false recovery and find it very difficult to truly believe what I am being told. It might be the case that my wife and I have to move 500+ miles away to remove the OG from my environment. If I continue to struggle and we give it everything we have for the next few months I will be ready to make that decision.

I have a job opportunity back east later this year. It will be a promotion and a great opportunity. What I need to do is find the desire for life that I had before. I need to have plans for next weekend and want to solve problems again. I have lost that desire. It has been better the past year, but it is still not right.

In the context of the rest of your post, you are making a big mistake. You have already tried this experiment, and it has failed. All that will change in 3-6 months is that you will be that much weaker. If you think your despair is bad now, what do you think it will be like later on?

We moved. Our situation was not as bad as yours. We were recovering. Yet it became clear to us that moving was necessary for our marriage to truly prosper. You are not going to recover if you don't get out of there. It's coming down to a choice between your marriage and your hometown. So, what is it going to be? Stop looking for reasons to procrastinate.

mrEureka is absolutely right, and I think you'd greatly benefit from his scientific outlook: you are proposing that you repeat an experiment that you've already failed, which has already damaged you and your marriage.

Ran across this quote today after I happened to read your thread:

"I know I live in Hell, but I won't move because I know all the streets."

priceless!

It is definitely not the streets, but it is the people that live on the streets that make the decision to move away from our children and families difficult.

I also know that I do not have enthusiastic agreement from my wife to move. I asked Dr. Harley if we can't come to enthusiastic agreement should we consider separating. His response was:

Not really. I�m simply saying that we usually recommend a move in your situation, and find it to be very helpful. If you don�t move, you may eventually feel better over time.

We sat and watched several of the MB videos last night. I am not sure if there was just too much drama going on when we met with Steve Harley originally or what, but it was really nice to hear the background and history behind the program directly from Dr. Harley.

I appreciate everyone insights about moving. I really do. Has anyone on this forum recovered from infidelity without moving?

"Hell" in the case of this quote might not just represent a street. You or your wife maybe aware a change of some sort needs to happen but the pain of the ending whatever that is, -- or stepping out into the unknown makes staying where you are defensible in our thoughts.

My husband has been hanging onto a RA he became addicted to and where he fell for OW. He has continued in his practice of martial arts but at a different dojo. I did everything I could to make it work so he could continue. SH even initially advised I try the RA w/husband and my husband was to make sure I enjoyed myself. But dojo was like a bar environment for a drunk in my husbands case. I did not feel safe and was triggered. I even got as far as a green belt myself. That's how hard I tried to make it work. Its been three years. I felt really terrible and betrayed all over last year when the Sensei (instuctor)hit me so hard she broke my sternum! It was almost literally like my heart was broken. So physically hurtful and emotionally hurtful for multiple reasons. I'd say my Higher Power, God, spirit, Budda and so on is trying to tell me something!!! I have to move. Not from my house. Away from dojo.