You're too good a catch to put up with that kind of emotional indecisiveness. Plus it's torture in my book! That and it's not crazy cat lady time either. You deserve the right guy and shouldn't settle for anything less! #31 is right around the corner and could be it for you. Keep your head up Zhamila; this too shall pass.

Thank you for the encouragement, TC! It is torture, even after only knowing him for 3 weeks total: feeling as if I was competing for his for affections was very painful, to which I'm sure many a BW/BH can attest - to the Nth degree!

ak1, do you have any updates for us on your new profile & dating adventures?

Love it, Deacon!!

So sorry to hear that Zham. I agree with TC, you are quite the catch and it's a shame that this follow doesn't see it. Even though it hurts, you totally did the right thing.

A dude that is getting snuggly with you while when he was has feelings for another woman is not a good dude for you.


Funny you should ask. This girl from VA (does it get father way than that) browsed one of my dating profiles yesterday and I happened to catch it because I was looking at who looked at me. She has such a great attitude, has seriously cute kids, and is very pretty. She posted that she loves the mountains and her profile says looking for a man 'anywhere.'

I replied just to let her know that she made my day, and to my great surprise she responds back and lets me know that her making my day made her day. Then she starts asking questions about Alaska and the airplane.

Turns out she lives right next to the airplane vendors HQ and watches the same airplane fly over head all the time.

I know it's a complete long shot, but I really like her already so I'm going to roll with it and see what happens.

Other than that, I'm just laying low for right now until the girl I know that moved away comes back for a visit in a month. I'm looking forward to seeing her and I'm interested in seeing if there is anything there.

Thank you ak1. I'm gonna take a break from dating for a while, and this is a good time to do it.


Hey, you could fly out to see her, right?


Can I tell you how glad I am to hear that?

This is what my (latest) dude was doing: seeing her when she visited once a month, but actively dating other women at the same time - when his heart is already somewhere else. If a man is available, then date. If he's not, please don't!

Honey he is the OM in someone's marriage!!!!!

"going through a divorce" - weaselese for married

"exploring his feelings for her - while waiting for her divorce." = weaselese for affair

"she 'just needed a friend" = weaselese for 'I am the OM'.

You must have really liked him to have missed this!

I haven't told about the handsome attorney yet. It's kind of funny but a little unnerving, and it started by his rescheduling our first date several times (a sure sign of ambivalence):

"Chris" was so smitten when I walked in that he couldn't stop staring at me and interrupting our conversation to say he was, "breathless" and "had no IDEA I'd be so attractive."

Really.

It was almost insulting and a bit uncomfortable. I mean, are my photos online THAT BAD? He said I just have an "aura," (whatever that means) and that he'd love to date exclusively but he knew it was only our first date. I told him I'm seeing other people (was seeing out-of-town-girlfriend-dude, aka "Ted").

As "Wonder Years" as his sentiments were, I'm pretty sure it was mostly lust.

A week later, we went out a 2nd time to a restaurant I really like, but is expensive (his choice). He had calmed down by this time and we just had a nice, normal date. He continued to reiterate his very high standards for women, express that I 'made the grade' (I guess) and wondered when we could take things to the next level (physically, I'm sure).

I let him kiss me on the cheek.

At this point, he realizes I won't sleep with him on date #3 (I told him I wouldn't visit his house but would meet him out somewhere - I DO like smooching and ALL OF THAT, and I don't want to be in a position where I'll be tempted), so I wasn't surprised when he cancelled our third date and tried to reschedule for this week (I already have plans).

I'm certain he has women throwing themselves at him (handsome + attorney), so I'm sure if he merely wants a bed-buddy he can get one easily enough. If his initial interest had carried through, and he'd wanted to stay in touch and see me more than 1x per week, I might've given him a shot (first-date stroke notwithstanding). Meh.

Now I hear from him every 3rd day or so - usually an update on his life with little interest in me or my life. Perhaps he's never had to work to woo a woman: he relies on his good looks, money, and his Porsche, and they fall at his feet easily enough.

Also, he did use the word "nag" in a text. It was a joke, but it just turned me off. I am looking for a partner. And it's relatively easy to tell from the beginning whether a man is capable of being a partner. This "partner" vibe is more important to me than money, looks, or anything else he might offer. Even one word (like "nag") can tell me immediately that this man sees a woman's emotional needs as an inconvenience. NEXT.

You are right, Indie. The way he told the story, it sounded different, as if her divorce is almost final, etc. and they just happened to stumble back into each others' lives at the tail end. A true friend would stay away and wait for the marriage to either succeed or fail - my blinders were totally on.

Seen in the light of an affair, how do I know that he's not the cause of their divorce? Ick. This would also explain the irrational tenacity of 'dating' someone out of town, both have kids (I mean really, who's gonna move if it works out?), his view that dating more than one woman at a time is a reasonable activity, and that everyone is just "biding their time." Yucky yuck. Somehow this makes getting over it much easier!

I waited until my divorce was final to even think about dating. It's not that difficult, and in fact, it was essential for my healing. Thanks Indie.

Oh yes, definitely RUN!



Just looking out for my MB girlies


Just something to think about but Porsche-man probably has game, but was unable to fool you because he meets needs you have no interest in (I'm guessing) The admiration, FS, PA all fell flat and you could easily see past him.

However the lovelorn pen-pal to married ladies probably has IC and affection galore, all the good stuff that is like candy to us women (generalising!).

That makes it harder to see. Always look for signs of waywardness though. The second thing I check for is ability to PoJA.

That's EXACTLY it, Indie! "lovelorn pen pal" was an amazing conversationalist and was extremely affectionate. I was completely smitten and this blinded me.

Porsche-dude isn't nearly as good at conversation and not affectionate at all. Hence my lack of attraction.

It's really odd: I keep wondering if I'm just 'so picky' only being attracted to 1:15 guys. But the fact is, very few men (of the 30 I've dated this year, anyway) are able to have a great conversations and be affectionate. It is quite unfortunate. I mean, these two guys made me really lose my head! (and my heart)

What's up, men? Is it really hard to meet those needs for women - in your experience? Or are you generally successful at getting women to fall in love with you, and I'm just hanging with the wrong ones?

I've been told I'm a wonderful conversationalist and very affectionate. Yet I'm still batting a zero!

Interesting question. For me I don't have any problems meeting those needs as they are my #2 and #3 right after sex, and since sex doesn't come until after the wedding there would be plenty of IC and affection during the courting phase.

That wouldn't change after the wedding because I completely understand that a woman needs those things to enjoy sex, so my ideal marriage would be lots of IC, lots of affection, and lots of sex. Sounds great doesn't it!

I haven't had a girl fall for me all the way mostly because I haven't dated much as I haven't pursued anyone outside of my religious beliefs that wasn't also thin and active. As you can imagine, this significantly shrinks the dating pool.

The two girls I did see, one of them really liked me but had zero boundaries with her ex, and the other I didn't fit well with because she was a serious animal person and wanted to have a farm which didn't sound that interesting to me.

So for me it's just a matter of meeting the right woman and I suspect it will fall in line.

As for you, I find your posts and personality very witty and attractive, so I would really like to meet you if you weren't so far away, if for no other reason than to see what you are like in person and enjoy some IC.

Anyway, let me encourage you that the right dude is out there and you will be very happy with him, just keep looking, it's bound to happen.

ak

Sounds like you two can easily meet those needs. I'm sure once you're 'out there' a little more, you'll find lots of women falling for you!

So, I guess I'll just keep looking...after a little dating break.

Thanks ak! Likewise.

Email sent to Dr. Harley:

Good day;

I have a question about dating.
I understand that Dr. Harley once operated a dating service and had good success rates with that business.
What is the age range that Dr. Harley recommends for dating?
I have read of different formulas, such as a "7 year rule" or a "4 year rule" (meaning stay within 7 years or 4 years).

I am 36 and have observed that some women who take care of themselves appear more attractive at 45 than many 25 year olds.
I find myself attracted to a wide age group but wanted to know what the "best practice" would be in establishing a rule or guideline for determining the appropriate age range.

I have heard Dr. H say that men and younger women do better than women and younger men.
So. That would leave me to conjecture that you ought to look to women your age and younger to find true happiness.

My Dad was three years younger than my Mom though and they were pretty happy for 58 years and only til death did they part.

Jedi I can't wait to hear the response! How's it been going with dating? I think as a Dad who is so involved with his kids, strong morals, intelligent, that you would be a very attractive catch!