Cross posting:
WH (lust, porn, masturbation) throughout our marriage has what I view as an unhealthy emotional connection with his dd (now 25 - we've been married 8.5 years).

He has an ongoing tendency to share things (lots of 'affection', 'intimate conversation', 'admiration' (she monopolizes all conversations in our home, while he allows it and praises her profusely about her looks, activities, accomplishments...) and 'recreation time' (they have consistently gone out to eat and done things together (usually movies) much more than he and I do) - not sexual, but hurtful to me) with his (now 25) year old daughter and either not tell me or lie to me about it, as it has upset me that she comes before me. He says all this is because he thinks it's his job as her dad. He has told her things I've asked him to keep in confidence about me/us and she invariably takes all information straight to his ex-wife. Neither his ex, nor his daughter have been supportive of me/our marriage. I feel like his daughter and his ex have a window directly into our marriage, due to his lack of boundaries.

Overall, I feel that he met sexual needs outside marriage through porn, lust and masturbation, as well as emotional intimacy with his daughter, while he neglected me most of our marriage. We're supposed to be honoring radical honesty, but I just learned (it's on our cell records) he had a 45 min phone call with her three days ago (she called him within an hour of an email he sent and copied me (and in that email thread also told her to respond to all and she agreed; but, apparently, chose to call him instead and he didn't tell me) asking her who else she told about our separation, which she didn't answer via email) and while he has seen me twice, emailed me and talked with me on the phone, he has not mentioned it.

I'm rather overwhelmed with where we are right now with his infidelity. These issues with his daughter and dishonesty continue to make massive withdrawals, as well as distract us from dealing with his infidelity and lies. It also leads me to feel triggered and hopeless about him changing. I realize this is very early in our separation... I want to choose wisely for the best future.

How would Dr. H suggest handling this? Should I confront him and express my feelings? Email him? Call him at work? Ask to see him tonight to discuss this?

Dr. Harley would encourage you to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement - never do anything without enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse.
In this case, if you ask your husband not to tell the ex wife something and he does then he is not following the POJA because you were not in agreement about telling her

It's his 25 year old daughter he is telling things... but, he knows that it goes straight to his ex wife, as this has been an issue for years that dd will not honor confidentiality.

It's exceedingly difficult to build trust after his years of lies when he continues to omit information in areas that he knows to be problems for our relationship.

My question is more about how I should proceed from here. How do I address this issue of the 45 min phone call (his daughter called him, after calling her mom, after he emailed dd, asking who else she told about our separation) had Monday evening that he failed to mention to me?

So, IOW, when one spouse fails to honor the POJA, how should the other spouse address it?

Dr Harley encourages couples to complain when something offends them.

HealingGrace,

Please combine your threads so that we can follow your story more easily. Just notify the mods and they will take care of it for you.

When my H tells another person information that he had agreed to hold in confidence, that is subtle dishonesty. It crosses the line of Openness and Honesty as well as PoJA.

Sorry about the confusion. The topics are separate again.

I have a happy follow report I want to share!

I reviewed Dr. H's information on the MB website about 'complaints'. I recognized that due to his history of porn, lust, masturbation and lies, this issue was a trigger for me and I was feeling intense emotions, in part, due to that. First, I took some time to calm down, got something to eat. Using the 4 step procedure:

• I wrote out my complaint/concern, then noted the next three steps I would follow when talking with WH. Next, I called him. He was at work, so I asked when he might have a few minutes to discuss, as I wanted to honor his work time. He suggested he call me in a few mins, after running an errand, which he did.
• First, I briefly noted mistakes I/we have made in the past in discussing issues and that I was going to use Dr. H's protocol this time to avoid those major conflicts and withdrawals.
• I explained my concern, including how it's a withdrawal for me (EN honesty/openness) and makes it harder for me to rebuild trust and positive feelings when I wonder about what appears to be another deception. I was careful to avoid (this took discipline on my part and it helped to have it written out ahead of time) making critical comments about times this has happened in the past.
• He immediately asked for input about how soon I want him to tell me about such a phone call. I said I appreciate him jumping to solution, but wanted to honor him by hearing his perspective, too. I asked his perspective. He said he hadn't told me "yet", due to past time needs to discuss it, but planned to do so by this weekend. He said he didn't think I should be upset. I felt that comment was a bit of a judgement and dismissive of my feelings, but I doubt he's reviewed Dr. H's protocol yet as we're just learning about MB and are still newbies. I did mention it briefly... we'll learn more about this as we proceed.
  
  He shared he was upset by some of the things she said, but honored a prior agreement we made about who she could/could not tell about our separation. (I don't know if SHE will honor that as her history has been to not honor our confidentiality expectations, but that's a separate issue. He honored me and our POJA, which is what is important right now.)
• Brainstormed - he asked again how soon to tell me about the call and noted it could be separate from telling me what was discussed. That is exactly what I was thinking, too, so this was resolved rather quickly. I answered his question, he agreed, so that was our solution.

Dr. H says that when handled correctly, discussing these issues should bring a couple closer together. I'm so excited to report that IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED!!!! It worked!! I felt honored and valued by his response and our resolution and we did NOT argue! Woot!!! I'm so excited!!!

HealingGrace,

It is awesome that you guys are working together on this so well! Keep at it!

Sorry if I caused you more issues about combining your thread. I had noticed you had posted in several different areas this morning, so I thought I was helping.

Good job HG.

Keep us posted on how it goes.