Sure-

emotional needs questionaire is a great example. Getting her to fill it out was simple- She read the book, wanted to fill it out. Sitting down to discuss it is another story. The questionaire has been filled out for three weeks but we have yet to discuss it because her interest in it ended when she filled out the info.

Same is true with all of the other packets.

Same mentality prevails when we talk about what to do on date night, or simple things like picking a restaurant to go to for dinner. She wants me to pick where we go but if she's not in the mood for what I pick, we may go through 10 choices before I finally bring up the one she wanted to go to in the first place but wouldn't say.

We discuss our marriage in our counseling sessions every week and it is raw and good and full of progress for one hour. When we walk out of that office, any attempt to talk about anything in depth or deep is rebuffed because she doesn't "feel like" discussing it, even if I express my desire to talk about what's going on. Our counselor is working on showing her where her thought process is wrong, where giving in marriage can't be only when it's convenient for one party and marriage must be equal parts give and take by both partners.

Meeting emotional needs is another example. I have worked hard toward becoming an expert at meeting her emotional needs, like I'm supposed to and she agrees her needs are met and she's happy in our marriage( another confusing part of our deal, but another time) but she only wants to meet my emotional needs when it fits into what she wants to do. There is no effort that puts her in a "giving" position instead of "taking".

As I'm typing this out, it occurs to me that maybe the question I should be asking is how do I teach my wife to be both a giver and a taker, instead of just a taker. Or maybe how do I teach her that giving is as important and as rewarding as taking?

I am not caught up on your story but typical MC is a very bad idea. If you are familiar with MB, then you know that Harley kids phone coach people separately to avoid lovebustering each other. Also typical MC will dwell on mistakes of the past, etc.

The fact that you are walking out of the office and your W doesn't want to discuss anything with you tells me those sessions are probably eroding her LB$.

How much UA time are you two getting with each other? Is it quality time?

SusieQ- our marriage counselor is familiar with the MB program, and is helping us work through the program, not digging up or reliving the past. She helped push my wife to put the EPs in place, without the counselor I would still be trying to convince my wife that facebook had to go.

I don't think there are any lovebusters in or out of the sessions. Most of the time is spent discussing the wife's hang ups with learning to follow the POJA effectively. The counselor and I are both pretty careful with my wife, doesn't take much for her to start self-shaming. We are spending 15-20 hours a week good UA time and we are taking a vacation starting sunday for 8 days without the kids or any other distractions to really get some quality alone time.

Talking about your relationship problems in depth all the time is a recipe for disaster! Just when you need to be making love bank deposits, you make each other miserable (withdrawals) instead.

Take her out for an enjoyable evening of dinner and dancing instead.

Making value judgments about how important it is is disrespectful.

Instead, complain respectfully. If it's an unmet need you have, tell her "I'd like it if you ..." Talk about your emotional needs and what you need. If it's a love buster, say "It bothers me when you ..."

Keep the problems on the front burner, but stay respectful and cheerful, and don't talk about the problems during UA time.

Well, some of these issues diminish as feelings of love and romance become a part of the marriage. If you are not experience feelings of romantic love for each other, then you are probably not spending "undivided attention" time together for at least 15 hours a week. During this time conversations should not be about relationships, and you should be dating outside of the home environment where the stresses of daily life block the romantic bonding that should take place between the two of you.

Have you taken time off together, a vacation or at least a romantic extended weekend? If you are not doing things, but are instead spending time talking about relationship business or family business then you are not going to get a lot of traction recovering the marriage.

15 hours. Don't neglect this.

As far as negotiating issues go, it's all about POJA. Have you read He Wins, She Wins? It's a short book by Dr. Harley with terrific, practical, and easy to apply methods for solving the issues you describe.

We are spending UA time, at least 15 hours a week. Date night every weekend, lunch together 2-3x a week, 2 hours a night together after the kids go down with no interruption, and no discussion of the kids or the relationship issues ever in this time. We went away for a week in december, are going away next week again.

If you ask her, everything is going well, she is happy in our marriage and we don't need to change anything else. We are close emotionally and, for her, our relationship is as close to perfect as a relationship gets.

Therein lies the problem I'm trying to work through. I'm not happy, my needs are still going unmet. I've respectfully communicated that to her, she is aware of the unmet needs, and yet has little desire to do anything to work on meeting those needs because she's already happy.