Some of the previous posters mentioned that a woman needs to be in love to have sex , I completely agree (in MOST situations). That being said (and this was mentioned in my original post), she now tries to initiate sex and affection. I'm no longer interested. After seven years of being the one to try to make it work, I am exhausted and have checked out. Her touch feels weird, foreign to me. It's sad she let us come to this point and didn't want to fix herself and our issues when I was begging her too. I even told her of eventually check out, I wish she had paid attention when I was telling her all out problems. Oh well, time for me to move on is fast approaching...

The problem is that she is not asking for sex out of desire, but out of desperation over losing her marriage. Just giving you sex does not solve the problem, it makes it worse. If you had taken the necessary steps to re-create romantic love in your marriage, she would be having sex with you out of desire rather than desperation.

I wish you had paid attention when we told you all this earlier.

I don't really feel like you are reading a word I've written. I have done a lot of the work to keep this marriage going. I have been romantic. I have fulfilled her needs. She is the one that has not done any work to make this "marriage" work. Her lack if action, lack if attentiveness to my needs while having hers met, her lack of reciprocity are what have doomed out marriage. I tried, I have a clear conscious that I did everything I could to make her happy. But at the end of the day, happiness comes from within. She's not a happy person in general and she needs to work on that, there's nothing more I can do for her. Another poster talked about her being depressed - it's highly likely - but she doesn't want to seek medical help for it. At the end of the day I have a good support network and a group of close friends. She has alienated all her friends - she doesn't have much family. I can no longer stay and watch her wallow in her misery. At the end of the day I cannot allow her to keep dragging me down and reminding me how much she disdains me. I deserve to be happy and to eventually have someone who cares about me and wants me. The downfall of out marriage rests solely on her shoulders. I did all the hard work but it was not reciprocated. Marriage is a give and take, she's a taker and not a giver (ironically one of her of her "friends" told me this before we got engaged).

What you have done is demand that she comply with your wishes instead of finding solutions that make you both happy. I went back and found your other thread under your old name, ApatheticHubby, and in it, you threatened and bullied her into having sex with you which created a sexual aversion. I found your first post:


The bully and threat routine only created more of a sexual aversion, as we told you back then. I found your old thread and it appears you took none of the advice. here

You may think you have filled her needs, but your loves busting behaviors (independent behavior, selfish demands, disrespectful judgements) and lack of attention has caused her to be depressed and withdraw from the marriage. Any woman would if treated the same way.

As stated before, if you want to learn how to create a romantic marriage with your wife using the good doctor's concepts, then stop arguing and start paying attention to what you are reading.

If you are not interested in saving this marriage that you hand a hand in destroying, then there is nothing we can help you with.

I wish you would try, though.

It looks like you are just threatening to leave as a tactic to get more sex. Apparently, you have used this manipulation tactic many times before and she is just going along..............again. Unfortunately for you, it won't work for long. She will eventually get fed up with it for good.

If you want sex, you need to try another tactic, because this tactic won't work for you, in ANY marriage. If you get remarried, you will find yourself right back in this place.

AH, please listen to RQ, because I have the same reaction to you. I would not want you to lay a hand on me either if you were my husband. yuck.. We can all relate to your wife. She is not in love with you and we all know why. You are a master lovebuster! Everyone knows why except you.

You believe the way to get the sex you need is to threaten to leave. But you can see that only lasts so long. We can give you a strategy that will work. Your strategy has not worked and will never work.

It must feel horrible to have your wife having sex with you, NOT OUT OF DESIRE, but out of desperation. She has a gun pointed to her head.

How does that feel??

Yes you absolutely can just be friends with members of the opposite sex! I'm in a field which is heavily female (nursing) it's impossible not to make friends of the opposite sex. My STBXW never had a problem with it (nor is it a contributing factor in our looming divorce) and I'd never have an affair with any of them (there's only one I would actually date if I was single). There are six males and 34 females in my class, it's impossible not to make opposite sex friends. The thing that these friends - male AND female - provide, is the experiences we share as nursing students. We can go bar hoping, the beach, bowling, hiking, play pool, study, and debrief with each other about our day in the hospital or a test we just took.

My best friend is a female, I would never sleep with her nor has it ever crossed my mind. First because she's married and has a child (my godson) and second because she is like a sister to me and that would be just no. I'm also very close with her husband, who is like a brother to me.

Yes, it is very possible that having opposite sex friendships leads to affairs! Just go read the thousands upon thousands of threads about affairs over on the SAA forum that started exactly that way! The ones who usually have affairs are the ones who say "I would never do that!!" because they have the poorest boundaries.

Nothing wrong with such relationships when you are single, but there is something very wrong with them if you are married. That is how all affairs start!

There are plenty of affairs that start off without a friendship involved. There are plenty of people who have friends of the opposite sex and never have an affair with any of them - I've never had an affair with any of my female friends and never would. All my friends are the same way. None of them have ever had affairs and they all have opposite sex friends.

Almost ALL affairs start with opposite sex friendships. RARELY do affairs start without a friendship. You are exactly the type of person who ends up having an affair. The ones who have false bravado. You are the drunk driver who brags about what a great drunk driver he is.

By the way, I was a GREAT drunk driver. So I do not dismiss drunk drivers. I did it successfully for years! Never had a wreck and was never arrested.

But do I think its smart to go drunk driving?

lonely, I find it odd that you are aguing this when on your other thread you admit to having feelings for a friend that you don't think are appropriate while still married.


http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=170016&Number=2776313#Post2776313

There are plenty of people who smoke cigarettes who never die and get cancer. Do you think its wise to advocate cigarette smoking?

He's still trying to figure out a way to make it okay to divorce his wife while having feelings for this woman....that's why he's arguing it...because If OSF is possible in marriage then after his divorce he can justify dating her.

He's a foggy man!!!

And?!? I also admitted in my initial response to this post that I have one friend that I would consider dating. If you also read further down, I said I am distancing myself from her - said friends.

I'm divorcing my wife because she's emotionally abusive and neglectful. I'm not divorcing my wife to be with someone else. As I stated in my original post, the decision to divorce was meting before I met this friend. My best friend is female, there is noting inappropriate about that relationship, my STBXW doesn't care if I have female friends. Another huge issue we have is my STBXW doesn't want me to apply to medical school - a dream I've had since I was quite young and something she was supportive of until last year.

This myth is one reason why there are so many affairs [and divorces] in the medical field. But it is very possible to not make friends at work. Millions of people who have healthy boundaries do it every day.

I work in an all male industry and have great working relationships with many men.......but I DO NOT have "friendships" with them. And the ones who value their marriages at work do not have workplace friendships with females.

Having friendships at work is how affairs start, by the way.