I have been married 21 years now and have had a wonderful marriage. Last year we took in my in laws and they lived in our house for 14 months. It was so stressful. We had zero intimacy for all of that time . My wife walks dogs once a week at a cemetery and met a grounds keeper. He is a body builder and she started working out lick crazy 8 months ago. I noticed she was texting a lot and coming to bed late and also texting in bed. I never put it together for months.I went away for a week to the east and she canceled the trip with me.When I got home I saw the hot tub towels in the laundry room and asked her if she was hot tubing while I was away.Her answer was a quick "yeah/no". this got me thinking I got up at 2 a.m. and looked at her phone and my world feel apart. I read every text message for the last 7 months. I saw the build up of a relationship to nude pictures she sent him and times they met for hot tubs..My trip back east gave her a week with her lover in my house.When I found out she said it is over.But then it took 3 days to text him a message to that fact and she blocked his phone all on my prompting we went to our first couples therapy the next day and I felt good about it. Then the day after she had a 21 min phone call from him that I found out about and i went nuts on her. She said she told him I found out and that she wanted to save her marriage. I asked how a blocked number got through ,she does not know,I asked what took 21 min to tell him those 4 or 5 sentences and she said d she asked him about work. I feel she is lying and can not tell the truth because she either can't remember or don't know. after 3 sessions with the therapist she received a phone message from a unknown number she did not want to pick up. It was him and he asked if I was going to come and shoot him.and the rest of the message she claims she did not listen to and deleted it. I have not slept good for a month and a half and I am have having thought all day of their text messages and visions of them having sex .Is this normal? I am going crazy. I love her to death she says likewise and we are trying to stay together. The therapist said he would worry more if the man was her age but 20 years younger might not be something to worry about. well I ask for help with this. sorry it is long winded

Welcome to MB.

Have you read all of this?
Surviving an Affair-Start Here First

I'm sorry for your pain. This is the best place to be during the worst time.

Is the OM married?

Have you both been tested for STD/I?

Have you exposed her affair?

Has she written a NC letter and changed all her contact information?

Hi.
Sorry for the situation you are in.

If your user name is your actual name.....change it to a faux name for security reasons.

You are in the right place to figure out how to deal with the betrayal.

You are not crazy, you are on the rollercoaster of emotions due to the worst, most devastating betrayal anyone could experience.
Read the exposure thread and follow it, it must be done to all that matter to you, her, and the POSOM.
Be highly, extremely wary of the therapist, unless he/she practices Dr. Harleys methods (if not, find a different one)
STD test for both of you
Polygraph for her
All contact must cease, change all phone numbers, email, facebook, all other social media
Total openness all passwords, accounts, etc
20 hours per week together minimum
You are not alone, and you are not unique(which makes this site so good)

NebDane,Thanks first off. all contact I believe has been broken off.I check the phone records and e-mail often.They never used e-mail it was phone text only. His phone is blocked from the ATT web site and I have only access. It has been since Dec 5 when I found out.I still cry every day and have not had a full night sleep in a month and a half.We used a Christian therapist and went 5 times and she thought we were very committed to stay together and felt we had no more to do with her. But if we so felt the need we can come back to checkin with her.

You need to be on high alert. Something does NOT seem right, and rarely as easy as you have described.
This seems way to fast for someone who was in that deep of a relationship for that long to turn around that fast.
Of all the stories on here, we hear about false recovery all the time, especially fast ones.
In other words, until you follow the steps of exposure, extraordinary precautions, just compensation, etc , your wife could be just appeasing you to get you off her back(this happens all the time, remember you are not unique to this situation)

You need to hide a digital VAR in WW car and in the house. Maybe a hidden cam or too in the house to see if WW lets the OM back in.

It is not good that WW still deletes things before you can see them.

WW can have an affair phone so she can still have contact with the OM.

As you see you must snoop because you have no proof that NC is in place.

You need to expose this affair.

Then you need to remove every piece of furniture that the OM was on. Take that mattress out and have a barn fire today. Drain that hot tub and shut it down for good. There is not enough bleach to clean that hot tub out. Have WW get rid of every thing she ever wore for the OM.

These things are all trigger for you so get rid of them today.

Last just being in your house is going to be a trigger for the rest of your life.

You need to sell your house and move faraway from the OM. That house will always be a trigger. Your house can no longer provide a safe haven for you.

Hi Billy, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. I seriously doubt the affair is over, though. I suspect they have just found a new way to communicate. And if you are still traveling, they will be free to carry on the affair. This is why it is critical for you to get a job where you are home every night.

Here is what it will take to recover your marriage - anything less will be a disaster:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

well I can say that all of the above list has been completed.Clergy,and a few friends know but not her family mine are all dead. I am feeling good about what we have been doing and God is in charge of the rest.And by his leading those go I.

A good place to start would be in telling her family and close friends. The more people who know the better. Is the OM married? If so, his spouse should be informed. If he lives with his parents, which is often the case with younger punk OM, then they should be informed.

Did you change your traveling job so you are not apart overnight?


What about this? Have you moved away so you are not right by the OM?

What about her working out? Was she working out at a gym with the OM? See, all avenues of contact have to be eliminated even if you have to move away. It sounds very much like he works right close to you.

You are getting great advice from some of our best posters.

I would encourage you to answer each post and not skip over things. Cutting corners in exposure & trying to accomplish NC usually ends up backfiring.

Please keep posting and welcome!