Hi, I have a situation I need to figure out what else I can do, although I think the answer is to just wait at this point...

Met a guy on OLD (I'd love to do the 30 date thing, but don't find enough eligible guys to do that with in my area in my age group.) We hit it off and decide to date exclusively.

Three days ago he has a depressive episode. I've had them and understand how it goes and give him a little space. But later he says "can't talk about it" in a broken voice and I start to feel that information is being withheld.

I was right - he's still in pain over an ex, but feels it has been long enough since they have been apart (over a year) and states there is no chance of them getting back together. Since I feel like my interest in him was speeding along and was realizing that his pain over her will slow him down I suggest we back off some.

We talk about it and the talk goes very well. (He did not act angry or do any LB's which impresses me. We had an amicable, though sad, discussion.) I did get from him that he felt I was "assuming a lot" about his emotions. But I know he is sad; that it is partly about her, and I don't feel he can give me his full attention while he is still healing. It scares me because I could fall for him very quickly - we have many things in common and he is someone I think could do MB very well. (I have recommended this site while he's thinking about what actions he wants to take about this.)

Throughout our dates (about two weeks) he has been respectful, complimentary, is kind to others and in general, the kind of person I can see myself with...

If he decides to not date me any more (because of what he sees as my assumptions) I will take a couple of weeks to recover from disappointment but I will be fine. He has repeatedly said he "will be fine" if I decide to stop dating him, which makes me think he is not as emotionally invested as I am.

I guess I"m asking for some feedback. I feel that bringing up his pain from the past was the right thing to do rather than withhold that it is bothering me that he won't talk about it. He seems to think it's okay to keep dating someone exclusively when his pain is not yet gone. I don't want to start off a relationship with resentment over his hurt from someone else, and I know it is not something he can help.

I sense a lot of potential, but timing seems off. Has anyone else stopped a relationship in progress temporarily and successfully returned to it later?

SS

No ... your ifs, shoulda, coulda, wouldas, maybes, and more ifs are enough red flags I wouldn't just walk but run from this.

This is why dating many helps you. He's a train wreck today. Keep moving forward this doesn't sound like a good match.

Could you tell me what other issues you see besides the fact he isn't completely over his ex?

I am still curious if it is even possible down the road when he is healed.
As for dating many - I am a person with issues that most people will "next" anyway and am not likely to find "ideal" at this point in my life. Some I can and am working on (weight, among them), some I can't change right now (income).

In the last 12 months there have only been four people interested in me enough to meet.

1. I was in about the same shape as this guy I have been seeing - not ready and I quit OLD for a while. That guy I met just quit contacting me after 1 meeting.

2. Someone wrote me a bit, wanted to meet, said I was "ideal" and then bailed three different times on a meeting. I did some research, figured "catfish" and blocked him.

3. Not OLD, but was asked for my number at a gathering. He's called twice, but has not asked me out. I'm told he dances with other women at dances and stuff and may be a player.

4. This guy I was asking about.

That alone is a HUGE red flag. No one should even think about dating until they are completely healed.


BOTH of those sentences

Continuing with this man is just asking for trouble and heartbreak. I would RUN, not walk, away from this. You can always tell him to contact you when he's healed.

I made that mistake once. I innocently did or said something (can't remember now...been over a year) and evidently it was a horrible trigger! The guy went ballistic and started screaming at me...calling me by the ex's name. Yeah...I ran....fast.

I see this as your issue and not his. Stop dating, lose the weight, and get yourself healthy. You both are not ready for a healthy relationship.

Settling for a bad choice man because your overweight is a horrible way to live life.

It's more than just the weight. I said "(weight, among them), some I can't change right now (income)."

There are health problems I can't do anything about except cope with, mild depressive issues myself which I can't medicate, because that causes worse problems. In addition, I'm financially strapped because of those medical issues - even with insurance.

I give you if you start with two people with no major imperfections, you can have a perfect marriage if you work at it. But I can almost guarantee that at my age and difficulties in life, there will be no "perfect" guy awaiting me. I had a "perfect" person once - they left me because of my imperfections.

I hadn't really been dating, mostly because there are so few people here I have anything in common with.

Other than just not being completely over someone, we appear to be a perfect match. He seems to do POJA just fine, is pleasant to others, talented and creative.

I guess if you only start with people with no major issues or red flags, then of course you get lasting marriage. I was more interested in how those of us that are stuck with problems to overcome can work together to overcome them during a relationship, if we are willing to. I guess it only works for the elite.

Sorry to bother you all.

Ma'am,

We are all human and imperfect.
I wouldn't say that there are any "elite" or perfect people in this world...

I encourage you to pray and ask God to direct the right men into your path and for wisdom on how to interact with them.

I don't think you are bothering anyone. Please feel free to continue posting

I don't really have any advice to you - I have only been dating for about one year, and only for 1-2 months at a time....then I take a breather because I find it to be a lot of work. I feel pretty clueless about a lot of this stuff myself! lol

Just wanted to say that Dr Harley says dating is one of the most frustrating things a person will do (or something like that) and almost everyone I have spoken to about online dating in particular (best friend and actual dates themselves) expressees a lot of frustratation, even those who get out there and date a lot. So hang in there!