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Joined: Jul 2004
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Quote:
I hope Bob finds a way to manage his depression.


I am not depressed. Not slightly. My life, apart from my marriage is good. Even my marriage is tolerable much of the time. This kind of unevidenced assumption is why I am hardly responsive to help offered here.
So far: I am depressed, my wife tries so hard to make a great marriage for us but I am stern an unappreciative, and I Never actually tried using MB in the decade since my wife's affair, evidence = We are not madly happy and ANYONE who had applied Harley properly would be because it is perfect in all circumstances,even when one spouse understands and rejects its tenets.....

My wife has told me when we ran MB nights through our church together that she considers an MB marriage to require "Living a constantly restrained life through a filter in exchange for a kind of mechanical happiness" and says she would rather divorce than that.

She lives instinctively manifesting her personality which does not instinctively meet my ENs.

Markos I have nobody on block, I disagree that one-sided Harley will fix my marriage given all my experience and evidences. That's all.

MB is far and away the best relationship building template I have ever seen ( and I have studied a LOT) but it cannot force participation of a deliberately reluctant spouse.



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Will you try the coaching available through MB?


xFWW(me)-48
Married-14 years
D-Day~23-May-11
NC- 14-Apr-11
1 DS 15
Online course July '11 to July '12
17 sessions with S. Harley Feb '12 to Sep '12
Divorced Jan 21, 2013
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If it didn't work for you, why do you advocate it so strongly for me LTL, when I have explained my wife , from a position of knowledge intelligently rejects MB ?


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I advocate it because it's an avenue that has a chance of helping your marriage become fulfilling to both you and your wife, even now, even if she says she doesn't think "mechanical" will work. You may not have quite eliminated your lovebusters. You may not have hit meeting her most important needs. Coaching will help you make sure you didn't leave those stones unturned before you choose divorce.


xFWW(me)-48
Married-14 years
D-Day~23-May-11
NC- 14-Apr-11
1 DS 15
Online course July '11 to July '12
17 sessions with S. Harley Feb '12 to Sep '12
Divorced Jan 21, 2013
Joined: Feb 2012
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Originally Posted By: Bob_Pure


My wife has told me when we ran MB nights through our church together that she considers an MB marriage to require "Living a constantly restrained life through a filter in exchange for a kind of mechanical happiness" and says she would rather divorce than that.

MB is far and away the best relationship building template I have ever seen ( and I have studied a LOT) but it cannot force participation of a deliberately reluctant spouse.



True. You cannot force anyone to do anything they don't want to do.

If you asked your W what she thinks the main goal of Dr. Harley's program is for a married couple...What would she say?

What do you think she wants out of your M? Is she happy?

Why do you think she never agreed to enter the program with you?




Last edited by 20YearHistory; 01/21/14 08:51 AM.
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Two hunters are out in the forest when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls 911 and gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Have a beer, Bob!! laugh


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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I'm not you but from my own experience my husbands discouragement towards our marriage (sometimes blame shifting) has unfortunately infected me. Its very hard to feel encouraged when contempt is in the atmosphere.

I'm sure you have read thru Dr Harley's info about how to find a good marriage counselor. This third party has to be a great encourager and often might be the only person around who believes in your marriage when you are both infected with discouragement and maybe contempt.

I too have come to the juncture where by all you have left is a dream of what your heart has grown accustomed as a desire. There is a point one has to let go and allow healing to begin and not force a square peg through a round hole.

I have experienced my husband bucking this so called (MB) system right and left. Yet we keep coming back to the premises. It appears I've had to lose or be willing to lose everything I hold dear to get to this point. Progress has included many loses with the gains. MB has given a basic structure which by itself can seem flat/ mechanical or too scientific when love has been lost. But mixed with faith hope and love there are infinite number of dimensions and ways this can all turn out.

I'm not sure it is entirely possible to compartmentalize or keep separate this circumstance with your wife and make a life for yourself while you remain married, at least the marriage simply on paper alone. No matter what you do its going to be out of reaction to your circumstance with your wife. One is going to play off the other negatively and keep infecting both parties--- at least from my perspective. Death by a thousand cuts. I hope you are able to get unstuck from this mode. Its way too painful to sustain. Perhaps you are here to help yourself remain open to a variety of options that provide win-win solutions. You seemed to have centered on a divorce at some point but perhaps that could change too. I appreciate you are making a shift.


BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren

"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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BOB!

It's been such along time friend! Sorry to hear things have taken a turn for the worse.
I'm surprised this has happened. You seemed so encouraged the last time we spoke. I really
thought you and squid had turned a corner in you M. What happened?

W2S


BS-me 36
FWW-34
DS-7 & DS-3
PA - 7/06-8/06
EA - 6/06-1/07
D-Day: wife confessed 2-17-07, suspected 8-02-06
Broke NC: 2-19-07, 3-24-07, 5/07
My Story
My Wife's Story
---------------------
Healing one day at a time.....
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Dear Bob,

Just wanted you to know that I have prayed for you every day since you have posted, and have not stopped thinking about you.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Me too. pray


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: Bob_Pure
I have been reminded starkly on another thread that this site does not permit advocacy of any methodology but MB. I never dreamed that would also lead to a recommendation of love and grace being deleted by mods, but that is fair enough. This is no longer my house.

I do not think I have the calories to burn on only MB in my life now. All my fault. Thank you for your care. I shall seek another path. Be blessed.


Me too.


Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
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