UH, I would strongly suggest you listen to yesterdays radio show about the effect of counselors on couples experiencing infidelity. A man wrote in and said that going to a counselor with his wayward almost destroyed his marriage because the counselor did not understand the mentality of his wayward wife. This is a very common problem with counselors, so I would watch out for that. When a counselor gives bad advice based on a lack of understanding, it is very hard to undo that damage. That radio show can be heard until noon cst today if you click the rebroadcast button: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

Thanks for all of the help. I'll keep this updated as it helps me a lot to be able to talk about it.

A VAR isn't a problem getting one today. I've found a few gps trackers but all require a yearly contract which isn't bad and the battery life is terrible. I found some that plug into the cars computer (obII) and dont need a battery but that is what dealerships use to pull codes and diagnostics. Hate for her to run by the Honda place one day and the mechanic hand it to her. I'd like to find a passive tracker but striking out on those as well.

Know this isn't the place but anybody have a recommendation preferably some where I could pick one up today RadioShack or best buy?

I'm having a problem with the coming down strong play. I've always done that and I feel like its why I'm where I'm at. Like I said earlier she brought this up 2 or 3 times earlier and that's how I handled it all of the previous times. I was there for the family but I never had a problem doing what the f I wanted. Most assuredly I wasn't p$&@/ whipped, another reason why I might be where I'm at.

I had my friends, drank my beer, had motorcycles, 4 wheelers, hunting racing cars bikes, ran 2 marathons last year. Never had a problem going out and doing normal guy [censored] And now everybody is saying go out and do normal guy [censored]. And I gots a feeling that's what she resented about me the most is that I was having a good time while she felt like [censored].

There is another sub-forum on this site called, "Operation Investigate" which discusses those options and retailers, usually online though.

One site i recall is, "Brickhouse Security". Google them for what you are looking for.

LTL

I like running too

UH, if you don't get focused and stop talking and start listening to the advice you have been given, you are going to lose your M.

This is all very normal for an affair and what we have seen over and over and over again. The plan and advice is the same. Take the steps necessary to end the affair so that you can focus on rebuilding the marriage. There is no point in talking about marital issues until you take care of the affair first.

Unfortunately BS denial is a big issue and usually some red flags I see that a BS is in the fog themselves is when they post on MB101 about infidelity issues vs the SAA board and another is when they refer to the A as an EA or one-sided affair.

Someone else already stated it but I will again for emphasis - if she had you move out, then this has likely already become physical. There is no "one sided" about it.

Advice you have been given but I haven't seen a direct response.

1) Move home
2) Order SAA
3) Hire PI
4) Cancel the counseling

Can you tell us on each of these items what you are planning to do?

I will add
5) Hit "notify" and ask the moderators to move this to SAA
6) Do NOT (I repeat DO NOT) confront your WW about her affair and try to get her to confess. I would avoid discussion with her about the affair or OM period or she will just take the A underground.

I wont deny that I am in denial. I'm experiencing the roller coaster of emotions. I constantly question myself do I have the proof to support this not to her but to me. And the sad answer ive got to accept is yes. One minute is maybe its just emotional and it will fade and the next moment i understand she is actually pursuing this more so than he is.

I'm on the way to the couselor only because it was already set up and i could stand to gain some insight from him.

Leaving there and going home.

Sleeping on the couch so I can snoop her car when she is asleep.

Gonna work on getting the code for the phone and tackle that tomorrow.

I'm not gonna speak to her period except to briefly answer a simple question until this weekend.

Even if it is "just emotional" there is still a substantial amount of work to do to fight the affair and recover your marriage. It won't "just fade," and even if it didn't, recovery means more than just the affair fading.

Every physical affair starts out as "just emotional." An emotional affair is just a physical affair that hasn't been consummated yet.


Does this men you are home? I thought you were out of your house. If you are back - great step!

Did you read the material I gave you links to? Did you watch the video? Did you order the book?

It is real important that you not make decisions based on guesses and find out the full truth. It is much more than an emotional affair, but you won't have the complete facts until you snoop thoroughly.


I am so sorry to hear that.


Giving her the cold shoulder will make the situation worse. Do you think the other man is giving her the cold shoulder? All you achieve by ignoring her is make your competition look better. You need LESS detachment, not more.

Moved back home, kids are excited, she seems hurt, said that I'm forcing the happy mask back on her and that little bit of weight that was lifted and healing that had started was all undone.

Haven't confronted her about the affair not enough proof. Did snoop through the car and medicine cabinet and found prescription for celexa and I've been reading those ssri killed my marraige stories for the last 3 days.

Good job moving back in.

Now;

Keep a Voice Recorder hidden at all times. Many wayward wives will make false allegations of abuse to get the husband legally out of the home.

Place keylogger programs on all phones and computers.

Place a GPS on her car.

Find out who she's having the affair with.

------------------------------------------------

While doing the above, focus on Plan A:
Make love bank deposits while avoiding love bank withdrawls
NO love busters such as angry outbursts or disrespectful judgements.

and do NOT tell her about this website

Phone is proving difficult to get ahold of again, she's really guarding it. Sucks that she handles the phone bill. I can track our data usage on my phone. It shows my line usage and the total usage which only includes the 2 phones. This month I've sent and received 170 messages she has sent and received 606 messages.

Based on the volume and frequency from what I saw earlier when I had access to the phone there is no way she is sending that many to friends and family, like I said only one conversation was getting deleted. I guess I know how much she's talking to him now.

Wish there was a way I could get a history from Verizon that included the # date and time. It's easy to do if your the account holder.

Why can't you go online and look at all the calls, usage, history, and such?

I remember going through this with my FWW. I could not get hard evidence, but her behavior indicated she was having an affair. So without getting evidence (I should put a VAR in her car and in our room), kept asking her if she is having an affair. She kept lying. Finally, one night I said to her, "We have 20 years of history here. If you have any respect for me and that history, you will tell me the truth." And she did. She confessed her affair.

The next morning I told her that she has to leave the OM or leave the house. She chose the latter. And I began Plan A from a distance that was safe for me.

Verizon bill is in her name. I need her user ID and password to look at her call/txt history unless you know another way.

If she is being secretive about the bills and/or the website login information, then you know you will need to look there first.

Have you installed spyware on her phone or her computer? Have you tried to get her user ID and her password that way? Did you know her user ID and password in the past, and has she recently changed it?

Do you have any idea who the man is?

Know his name and phone #, lives 6 hrs away

Texted her when she got off work. Told her I needed our Verizon user name and password. To that she said why. I said I need to see out of the 360 text messages you sent in the last 10 days how many went to xxx xxx xxxx. You wouldn't believe how fast the phone rang after that one. She finally admitted to the emotional affairs said there was some flirting but that was it, said she needed some kind of validation and that we could look at the txt transaction together. I then asked if she would have a problem with me reading the messages. She said she wouldn't but she deleted them. I then said that's not a problem we could pull them up off her iTunes account. Boy did the tune change then. I don't actually know if you could do that but she believed it enough to come off of some of the nastier details that crossed the line from flirting but assured me that it was 100% emotional and that she really hadn't seen him in 3 years. Told me that she would cut it off immediately. I told her it wasn't my intention to control her or tell her who she could and couldn't talk to but that I was hurt by what was said and I didn't think it was acceptable. I never gave an ultimatum him or me. I just wanted her to know I knew she was hiding something.