Surely you're not saying she needs to use swear words and a loud voice rather than politeness to get you to take her seriously? So now you know, when she says "could you please..." she is probably telling you a complaint, especially if you've heard it more than once.

Please explain your position.... I am unable to determine what information you are trying to present. Could you be more specific?

It took a long time to learn this... and it was only in the last couple of months that I did learn this from her, by her telling me this is what is going on... I wish I had known a lot earlier, it would have saved a WHOLE BUNCH of hurt on both of our parts.

There were no other women in my life prior to me getting married that complained in a such a soft manner, so I came into our marriage at age 38 not having ever seen any complaints from women that were NOT loud. I was just expecting my wife to be the same way since I had never seen anything different.

There is no hidden meaning or further information needed. I meant what I said literally. It's up to you to decide if you are going to listen or keep on demanding that your wife POJA w/you everything she is going to write about her feelings about you and this M.

Wow, Ernie. It sounds like you are totally confused as to what a disrespectful judgment is. When you decide how high an issue should rank and decide that your wife's ranking is "wrong," YOU are the one being disrespectful, Ernie. You are saying that she should just choose to feel different - that way you don't have to address her complaints.

You need to be here every day learning and working this program, Ernie. There's a radio show being broadcast every week day. There's other threads you should be reading and posting on to learn to recognize disrespect so you can stop doing it.

The problem is not that your wife is disrespectful. The problem is that you want to ignore/downgrade her complaints. That's the exact opposite of Marriage Builders.

There's no such thing as "not worthy of getting into conflict." Conflict is inevitable in marriage. Dr. Harley and Joyce have a conflict EVERY HOUR. Dr. Harley does not pressure Joyce to not bring things up. Instead they resolve their conflicts for a win-win every time, using the principles that they (and we) teach here.

Elaina, you need to plan for a separation until your husband is more serious about learning the basics here.

In a case like this where a spouse is abusive like Ernie, getting help (i.e., posting on this forum) is NOT subject to the POJA. Health and safety is the main exception Dr. Harley makes to the POJA, and that includes getting help in the case of abuse (demands, disrespect, and anger).

Elaina, I hope you are reading. You should probably continue posting here as well as look into getting help from a local women's shelter.

If your husband continues to punish you for the posts that you make here, email the moderators ***EDIT***

Agree x 100.

This level of manipulation & SDs -- trying to make it seem like they will be like MrW and MrsW, a MB success story, if she will "POJA" her posts w/him...and using MB terms against her (she's not meeting my need for admiration!) makes me wonder what else is happening in their M.

You're going to lose your wife if you keep going down this road you're on.

I hope Elaina takes the suggestion to separate seriously. That's how serious the way you've been treating her is, Ernie.

*sigh*

I am not some horrible abusive monster of a husband; I think you have me figured out all wrong. I am just a normal guy working on some typical marriage issues, and though my successes are not all achieved overnight - they are successes nonetheless. I am working hard on getting better at being successfully married.

I just don't understand why you are all so quick to tell my wife she should leave me all the time, you make it sounds like I am some horrible crazy person that belongs in prison instead.

Elaina told me last night the reason she doesn't leave me is because I *AM* improving and getting better all the time. As long as I strive to be a better husband, she's fine with working things out with me; That gives me a lot of encouragement.

SO, I offer to you this: Do you think I should still stay on this marriage builders forum, or go away quietly? I would like to think that by coming here I can still get some good advice and direction from y'all. If you don't think I should be here, then I guess I can leave.

I just sure am scratching my head sometimes wondering about the things you say to me, that's all.

Dr Harley says to build your life (job, house etc) around UA time.
The UA time MUST always have priority according to Dr Harley

We do have a special needs child at home, and that changes things a bit.... meaning it can be more difficult to get good quality time together. It's a struggle at times, that's for sure.

My friend had a girlfriend that used to watch a handicapped girl while her parents went on dates together.
The father was a doctor but the state paid all of her care bills.

Can you qualify for a home health worker?

Are angry outbursts and disrespectful judgements abuse?

I'm not sure what good the advice will do if you don't act on it. You need to be learning how to recognize and eliminate disrespect rather than arguing that you are really not such a bad guy. My suggestion to you above was to start reading other threads and looking at it - you'll find this is one of the worst problems most husbands have. I would also strongly suggest listening to Dr. Harley daily.

This can't be a thing you are perpetually working on and struggle with. You have to actually succeed at this.

You MUST stop punishing your wife for what she says here. Otherwise you make it impossible for your marriage to get help.

Don't put any of your wife's complaints on the back burner. Keep them all on the front burner. You can ask her to prioritize what order she would like them handled in.

And for heaven's sake, stop judging your wife's feelings; stop saying that she is "Inflating the issue to a level higher than it really should be." You are not the arbiter of what level something should be. That is profoundly disrespectful and abusive. She can't live like that, Ernie! She should expose that kind of abuse to us and others EVERY SINGLE TIME it happens so that she has a support group, and if you don't stop it, she should separate from you to protect herself until you do.

You MUST stop punishing her for looking for support from your abuse. What you are doing is abusive, whether you are or or not a monster (which is an irrelevant debate). It hurts the hell out of her - what difference does it make if you aren't a monster? It hurts!

I think you need to encourage your wife to post here to hold you accountable. Your actions have been punishing and discouraging her from posting. But it's the best possible thing for you - you need to learn what was abusive about each disrespectful thing you say. Sometimes she may not even know, but we can help her (and you) understand why it hurts.

For crying out loud, she hurts like hell, and you are punishing her for telling people about it? And arguing that you are not really a monster? It's about how BAD you are making her feel, Ernie, not how good you really are.

When your response to your wife's "Ouch!" is "No, let me explain, I'm not really so bad," you are on the wrong track:

Ouch! No, no, let me explain... by Steve Harley, M.S.

No she doesn't qualify - just finding a child psychologist/psychaitrist who would take on the liability of seeing her at all was a huge challenge. She's on Welbutrin now, and that has some positive effects, be we are a long, long way from seing the light at the end of the tunnel.

My mother in law moved to town a couple weeks ago, WOOT WOOT!! She's a sweetheart, but doesn't like to babysit a lot. She really the only one we have that can watch the kids some. Now that Christmas is over, We don't have a lot of extra money to spend on babysitters (wow, they charge a lot nowadays)

If all of this frustrates and exasperates you - just think how Elaina must feel! She's the one hurting because of the disrespectful way you react to her complaints. She's the one in pain. She's the victim. She's the one who needs more understanding from you. You are the big strong guy who is capable of listening to us and learning from us so that you can stop hurting her so bad, rather than getting upset and frustrated with us and arguing with us.