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I have not told my kids yet. They are 8, 9, 12 years old. I think the 12 year old suspects an affair. If I tell them, my wife will go ballistic. Also, isn't that too much for them to handle?
And, if we do reconcile one day, isn't it better if the kids do not know? If we divorce I'll tell them. I'm not sure about this.
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W (me) - 40
H - 44
M 15 years, 2 kids
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BH, I have three kids. My oldest is 7, she understood perfectly well and hold his dad accountable. Dad asked her forgiveness and held together they cried. It was very emotional. I was afraid she would not understand or keep resentment agains her dad, but that is not the case.
She now understands everyone makes mistakes, dady is a big boy who can say sorry and amend his mistakes. Plus she fully supports us going out for a coffee or whatnot.
FBW 36 (me)
DH 35
DD6,DD4,DS1
On Recovery
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Kids as young as 4 understand that adultery is wrong. So your children are certainly not too young to understand what you have done to them. This quote applies to your WW. But you should tell your children so that they don't think that they are the cause of the problems within the marriage.
W (me) - 40
H - 44
M 15 years, 2 kids
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Some feel that an affair should not be exposed to children. Granted, I would not tell a 3-year old about an affair, simply because a child that young cannot possibly understand what it means. But I would not hesitate to reveal an affair to a child 7 years or older. Exposure to those between those ages should be a matter of discretion. The original article is located at: Exposure: When should an affair be exposed?
W (me) - 40
H - 44
M 15 years, 2 kids
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I have not told my kids yet. They are 8, 9, 12 years old. I think the 12 year old suspects an affair. If I tell them, my wife will go ballistic. Also, isn't that too much for them to handle?
And, if we do reconcile one day, isn't it better if the kids do not know? If we divorce I'll tell them. I'm not sure about this. My kids are the same same age and I exposed to them when they were 2 years younger. IN fact, Dr Harley addressed this on his Radio Show numerous times
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What happened when you told your kids? Did they talk to the unfaithful parent about it? Did it make them more miserable?
what was the unfaithful parents reaction immediately and after some time has passed by?
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My wife was furious but my children were thankful that I told them the truth and they know they can trust me.
To this day, 2 years later, she still lies to them.
I also told them that the live in grandma was an alcoholic and thats why her behavior was so bizarre.
It was very liberating to tell the truth.
Remember the 10 Commandments Sir. Thou Shalt Not Lie. Dont lie for your wife's sins
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Age appropriate for kids.
When people get married moms/dads do not have boy friends/girlfriends and go out on dates with them.
Well mom has a boy friend and is going out on dates with him. The OM's name is _________.
The kids will know why there are problems and that the OM is not a friend to the family.
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In your case, age appropriate is "Mommy is commiting adultery and having an affair with xXxX. Thats why she left our family to be with him. "
If your kids dont know about sex yet you better start teaching them.
I taught my kids sex ed last year.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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You can do your Plan A with her out of the house. If she is carrying on the affair and living in the house it will be very hard on you and you won't be able to avoid lovebusters. I would let her know that she is welcomed back in the home after she ends contact for life. Once she does that, the two of you can begin working on the marriage.
If she doesn't agree to end contact for life, then she lives elsewhere. But you can still be in Plan A, which has both a carrot and a stick. You can still show her love and affection from a distance and do things for her that will fill her love bank (the carrot), but she cannot live at home (the stick). Right now, she is confused and may be cake eating. Don't let her do that.
Stay in Plan A, but if seeing her causes too much anger and hurt, limit how much you have contact. Look for opportunities to meet her needs from a distance, and never lovebust again.
You might write her a letter communicating how much you love her and have learned from past mistakes, but that you cannot have her in the home as long as she seeing the POSOM. You can also tell her you putting the divorce on hold with the hope she is willing to reconcile.
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I have not told my kids yet. They are 8, 9, 12 years old. I think the 12 year old suspects an affair. If I tell them, my wife will go ballistic. Also, isn't that too much for them to handle?
And, if we do reconcile one day, isn't it better if the kids do not know? If we divorce I'll tell them. I'm not sure about this. It is extremely important that you tell them NOW. Giving them false explanations for the tension in your home just causes them enormous confusion and teaches them that dishonesty is acceptable. They MUST know the truth. Many kids will blame themselves for the breakup! And how will they protect themselves from this POSOM if they don't know? Kids can handle the truth, they cannot handle lies. Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders, on telling the children: The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.
An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults. Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
___________________________________
A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery. The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight. 2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)
Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse). My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.
The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.
The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).
Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.
It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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What happened when you told your kids? Did they talk to the unfaithful parent about it? Did it make them more miserable?
what was the unfaithful parents reaction immediately and after some time has passed by? I told my kids who were 4,6 and 8. They understood exactly what was happenening and understood why WW and I were fighting. They understood we might separate and it was because of the A and nothing else. They asked WW why? They held her accountable and they demanded she end contact with OM immediately. (smart kids I guess or maybe right and wrong is something we all know but lose sight of with age, LOL.)
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My husband and his XW divorced over her affair over 20 years ago. He kept it a big secret because he was "rising above it."  [as if hiding an affair is somehow a virtue, what a ridiculous notion] His children believe - TO THIS DAY - that their dad just ran off and abandoned their mother for no reason. They blame HIM for the divorce. It has negatively affected his relationship with his children all these years.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Tell the kids the truth, it is a great disinfectant.
I told my kids(12-16 yr olds) the truth, my exWW wanted me to tell them it was a mutual decision, and definitely not that it was an affair.
They have reminded me that I have been honest and did not leave them.
Keep all that in mind.
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Okay, I will tell my kids. I don't want them to think I left their mother for no reason. I hope they understand.
I'm going to try my best to show my wife I can be a better husband than the OM can be a boyfriend. And try to figure out what needs he is providing that I'm not. I asked her what she thinks those needs are. But she didn't have an answer. So I'll try to talk about that more with her.
But at the same time, I am going to let the divorce process continue. It's a slow process anyway, and will take several more months. If I see some change/improvement, I can always withdraw the divorce complaint. I want to have the financial/custody protection that goes along with it.
Thanks everyone for your comments and support. I will keep updating you on the situation.
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Okay, I will tell my kids. I don't want them to think I left their mother for no reason. I hope they understand. Good man! Your kids must be horribly confused. I would tell them on your own and do not give your wife forewarning. Tell the kids to feel free to ask her any questions. I asked her what she thinks those needs are. But she didn't have an answer. So I'll try to talk about that more with her. Honestly, that is like asking a falling down drunk why they like booze. They don't know. A better plan is to do your best to meet her intimate emotional needs: affection, conversation and admiration. It is unlikely she will allow you to meet her needs anyway because her lovebank is closed. The message you should convey is that you would be willing to meet her needs in the future if she would end her affair. But at the same time, I am going to let the divorce process continue. It's a slow process anyway, and will take several more months. If I see some change/improvement, I can always withdraw the divorce complaint. I want to have the financial/custody protection that goes along with it. I think that is exactly the right thing to do. You are doing great! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Sir, this was my question that Dr Harley addressed on his radio show. Like yourself, I at first questioned if i should be honest with my kids and expose the affair to them...but he clearly said to do so in this radio show. I also have 3 kids and my wife left too
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Okay, I will tell my kids. I don't want them to think I left their mother for no reason. I hope they understand.
I'm going to try my best to show my wife I can be a better husband than the OM can be a boyfriend. And try to figure out what needs he is providing that I'm not. I asked her what she thinks those needs are. But she didn't have an answer. So I'll try to talk about that more with her.
But at the same time, I am going to let the divorce process continue. It's a slow process anyway, and will take several more months. If I see some change/improvement, I can always withdraw the divorce complaint. I want to have the financial/custody protection that goes along with it.
Thanks everyone for your comments and support. I will keep updating you on the situation. just saying....You may have a better shot at full custody if she stays in her affair and away from the home....
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