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I was doing some reading on the phrase, "I love you, but I am not in love with you." and was very much surprised to learn that almost ALL counselors believe these to be the words of death to a marriage and consider it unsalvagable from that point on and will encourage partners to separate permanently not to cause more damage. Nine times out of ten I found this to be the explanation in what I read. Only a very very small number insist if your spouse says these words to you, they are having an affair.
I think I now understand why MC and IC are considered the kiss of death to marriage builders.
BW: Me, 42
WH: Him, 41
ILYBNILWY: Sept 2011, he moved out
DDay1: Dec 2011, ongoing since at least April 2011 if not longer
WH moves back we try FR 1/12
DDay2: Feb 2012
DDay3: April 2012, WH moves back out to "find himself"
Many attempts at FR, he can't make a decision
5/2013: WH states he wants a Divorce. POSOW is insisting.
8/2013: He files for D. She got hers, where's his?
Current: nothing is progressing, we do not speak
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So unless you find that small number, you will in fact walk away and divorce. What also alarmed me is the number of people here is huge, imagine the number that never found this site and how many out there walked away because they were encouraged by their counselor.
BW: Me, 42
WH: Him, 41
ILYBNILWY: Sept 2011, he moved out
DDay1: Dec 2011, ongoing since at least April 2011 if not longer
WH moves back we try FR 1/12
DDay2: Feb 2012
DDay3: April 2012, WH moves back out to "find himself"
Many attempts at FR, he can't make a decision
5/2013: WH states he wants a Divorce. POSOW is insisting.
8/2013: He files for D. She got hers, where's his?
Current: nothing is progressing, we do not speak
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 259
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Joined: Aug 2012
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I am divorcing, but mostly because my soon to be ex believes it can't be saved. He is talking to people who talk to counselors or read books on divorce. So he can't even fathom this could turn around. And I am also fed up with her antics. But had I not found this site or done the research, I too would believe he didn't love me.
BW: Me, 42
WH: Him, 41
ILYBNILWY: Sept 2011, he moved out
DDay1: Dec 2011, ongoing since at least April 2011 if not longer
WH moves back we try FR 1/12
DDay2: Feb 2012
DDay3: April 2012, WH moves back out to "find himself"
Many attempts at FR, he can't make a decision
5/2013: WH states he wants a Divorce. POSOW is insisting.
8/2013: He files for D. She got hers, where's his?
Current: nothing is progressing, we do not speak
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
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I was doing some reading on the phrase, "I love you, but I am not in love with you." and was very much surprised to learn that almost ALL counselors believe these to be the words of death to a marriage and consider it unsalvagable from that point on and will encourage partners to separate permanently not to cause more damage. Nine times out of ten I found this to be the explanation in what I read. Only a very very small number insist if your spouse says these words to you, they are having an affair.
I think I now understand why MC and IC are considered the kiss of death to marriage builders. Its pretty messed up, for sure
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
I was doing some reading on the phrase, "I love you, but I am not in love with you." and was very much surprised to learn that almost ALL counselors believe these to be the words of death to a marriage and consider it unsalvagable from that point on and will encourage partners to separate permanently not to cause more damage. Nine times out of ten I found this to be the explanation in what I read. Only a very very small number insist if your spouse says these words to you, they are having an affair.
I think I now understand why MC and IC are considered the kiss of death to marriage builders. Most counsellors have no real scientific approach and have only completed the Hollywood Movie course on romantic love. If cupid hasn't recently fired a special arrow at your heart and filled you with voo-doo magic, then it is hopeless. They are sort of right as far they are concerned. Because they most certainly don't know how to create love. Shortly after my Plan B began I discovered a book written by two well regarded counsellors who recommended having a close opposite sex friendship during separation and divorce. The friend should be treated as a sort of sexually disposable crutch. Their scientific evidence for this need? Many of their clients had told them they liked this approach. Depressing.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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There is a curious logic vacuum in popular culture that has a strong influence over marriages, and especially affairs. Much of what we believe comes from Hollywood. I remember believing that movies like Bridges of Madison county were so romantic. That just amazes me now how I ever thought some married slut doing some guy in her husbands bed was anything but revolting.
Add to that the lack of discernment about the fog. Most people - and most counselors - just don't get that. That blindness renders them completely useless.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Posts: 11,650
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I remember believing that movies like Bridges of Madison county were so romantic. I have the same problem with Bette Davis in Now Voyager. I used to think that film was so romantic! The fact that her married love-interest couldn't get a divorce because he was Catholic was conveniently not dwelt on very long. Catholics cannot have affairs either so I have heard!! Also the fact that it never got physical. As though that makes it all OK to undermine his wife's place. And then she went and stole the affection of the BW's daughter under false pretences. Sick and creepy. It makes very different viewing for me now. At least Scarlett O'Hara came out of the fog and realised Ashley was pathetic and that Rhett was the real man.
Last edited by indiegirl; 01/23/14 02:35 PM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6
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Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6 |
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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