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/I would pull them all up on iTunes and take a look. Be sure and save them in a safe place.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You didn't give her an ultimatum: him or me?
I guess you don't mind sharing.
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I told her it wasn't my intention to control her or tell her who she could and couldn't talk to but that I was hurt by what was said and I didn't think it was acceptable. I never gave an ultimatum him or me. I just wanted her to know I knew she was hiding something. You did a great job with all of it Untitled, including the bit about checking on iTunes. One thing that stuck out to me though is that to have a passionate marriage, we DO need to set boundaries against speaking intimately with people of the opposite sex. Of COURSE you were hurt�it is a flagrant disregard for your feelings! And why no ultimatum? Do you WANT to live with three people in your marriage? I'm not trying to hound you or make little of how far that you have come in your personal realizations. I've had to have 2x4s pounded on my head for me to see some of these same things, so I am hoping that maybe you can skip some of the extra anguish steps if we point out that you do need to be respectful, and thoughtful, yes�but you do NOT have to sign up for doormat duty.
DDays - six months of them THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders. We never knew that it could be this good! 
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You didn't give her an ultimatum: him or me?
I guess you don't mind sharing. Point in that was I didn't have to. She offered to terminating the communication without me having to drop an ultimatum. Basically she owned up to it and said that it would stop In the same breath. I felt like it was genuine but I'm also Leary of the fact that she may have just told me what I she thought I would accept and may go deeper underground. I figured I had to act now to stop it from gaining further momentum. Because of the distance I knew a physical relationship would be hard but not impossible. But given all the evidence I had (texts I read between them without them knowing) I really thought that it hadn't gotten physical yet. One of the last ones was a flirt that said I haven't had sex since such and such date and I'm frustrated and the date she used was in reference to the last time we had sex. Still gonna snoop it like its still going on and see what I dig up. I didn't have to come off the fact that I got all the info off her phone, I guess she was stunned enough not to question how I got it. Told her I talked to him which wasn't a lie and that I "gained an understanding" to the true nature of their relationship.
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I'm not trying to hound you or make little of how far that you have come in your personal realizations. I've had to have 2x4s pounded on my head for me to see some of these same things, so I am hoping that maybe you can skip some of the extra anguish steps if we point out that you do need to be respectful, and thoughtful, yes�but you do NOT have to sign up for doormat duty.[/quote]
I understand what you mean, less than a week ago I was really trying to prove to myself that absolutely nothing was going on because I was in denial. Without some of the advice and personal experiences here I don't know how long it would have taken me to make that leap in believing she was involved with someone else. I really wrestled with the fact that I was trying to reason away a PA but I really think that going over everything I know and have been told by both sides that it wasn't there yet.
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UH,
If your WW is being completely honest then WW will take a polygraph?
God Bless
Gamma
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Will she write a NC letter?
What EPs will she put in place?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Texted her when she got off work. Told her I needed our Verizon user name and password. To that she said why. I said I need to see out of the 360 text messages you sent in the last 10 days how many went to xxx xxx xxxx. You wouldn't believe how fast the phone rang after that one. She finally admitted to the emotional affairs said there was some flirting but that was it, said she needed some kind of validation and that we could look at the txt transaction together. I then asked if she would have a problem with me reading the messages. She said she wouldn't but she deleted them. I then said that's not a problem we could pull them up off her iTunes account. Boy did the tune change then. I don't actually know if you could do that but she believed it enough to come off of some of the nastier details that crossed the line from flirting but assured me that it was 100% emotional and that she really hadn't seen him in 3 years. Told me that she would cut it off immediately. I told her it wasn't my intention to control her or tell her who she could and couldn't talk to but that I was hurt by what was said and I didn't think it was acceptable. I never gave an ultimatum him or me. I just wanted her to know I knew she was hiding something. Sir, I did the SAME THING!..... I walked into a counselors office with a $600 cell phone bill....from my ww calling OM!!!! And she promised to end it...and you know what? Shes living with him today...2 years later! It is extremely important you expose this affair and follow the recovery plan in Surviving an Affair. The first step is exposure.
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Plan on exposing today. I've told half of our family my suspicions I just have to confirm it with them. The other half (her mother, sister, best friend) I plan on asking them exactly how many messages they received from my wife since the 7th. Counting on the fact that they want an explanation. I'll explain that I found out she was talking to another man confronted her about it it and she admitted it. Tell them she sent a high volume of txt messages and said that most of them were to them and that if they could look and tell me how many messages they received then I could know how much she was talking to the OM.
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Plan on exposing today. I've told half of our family my suspicions I just have to confirm it with them. The other half (her mother, sister, best friend) I plan on asking them exactly how many messages they received from my wife since the 7th. Counting on the fact that they want an explanation. I'll explain that I found out she was talking to another man confronted her about it it and she admitted it. Tell them she sent a high volume of txt messages and said that most of them were to them and that if they could look and tell me how many messages they received then I could know how much she was talking to the OM. Now is not the time to play cat and mouse games with the truth. Don't waste people's valuable time with such games. Beating around the bush like that is counterproductive. I would just give up if you are not going to be forthright. Tell them very clearly: I have discovered that Sally is having an affair with JoeScumbag and this is why she has left. Since you are a valuable person in our lives I am asking that you use your influence to persuade her to end her affair. Me and the kids are devastated and I want to do everything to save our marriage. I am asking for your help.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Conflict avoidance tactics will backfire ON YOU when there is an affair. You have to hit it on the head straight on. Beating around the bush is like bringing a pea shooter to a gun fight. You just end up with your butt shot off and your efforts are wasted.
Now is not the time to cater to tendencies to avoid conflict. You will lose that way. Your kids will lose.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Did you read my exposure thread? This is the kind of message you need to be giving to others [by either email or phone call or smoke signal]:
Dear friends and family,
I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of xxxx and I. As some of you know, xxxxx has recently asked me for a separation, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the reason is because she has been carrying on an affair with a old boyfriend named xxxxx xxxxx who resides in xxxxxx. He is also married and has young children . The purpose of the separation is so that she can carry on her affair without my interference.
She refuses to end the affair. I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my babe, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.
As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.
I would so appreciate your support and prayers.
Warmest regards,
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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] I'll explain that I found out she was talking to another man confronted her about it it and she admitted it. This is a waste of other people's valuable time. No one cares if she is "talking to another man." So what? I talk to men all day long. Almost all people on earth talk to men every day. Is your wife having an affair or not? If not, then don't bother people. If so, then tell them straight out: "ww is having an affair with XX." All you do with your approach is is waste valuable time asking the receiver to guess and speculate whether she is having an affair or not. So instead of accepting there is an affair and discussing how they may help you, the entire conversation is WASTED on speculating whether or not she is having an affair. They might say, "oh he is just her friend, she would never have an affair." And that is the end of that! Don't even go there. If she is having an affair, then TELL people that in the first sentence. If she is not, then don't call anyone.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am leaving for work to talk to men all day. See ya later!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am leaving for work to talk to men all day. See ya later! I sure hope you start listening to ML and stop trying to tip-toe around the truth.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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I am leaving for work to talk to men all day. See ya later!  Mel is right about pussyfooting this situation. You have to be deliberate and strategic.
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Pussyfooting=strategic those three know I'm trying and are supporting us to stay together. I have to be strategic/careful about how I approach them how that message is received because at the end of the day she is their daughter, sister, friend. Right now I have their support and that is important. I know it seems weak but it's a situational issue.
The only thing I can honestly expose is what I can prove. And that is that she was "talking with another man" or if semantics are an issue that she was sending flirtatious messages to another man. To say she's having an affair is beyond my proof and the term emotional affair is just as loose as the phrase talking to another man.
So what your saying is if I don't have any more proof or evidence to support something physical it isn't worth exposing?
I know everybody is gonna jump in and say that it's physical I just don't have the proof. I'm not there right now and that doesn't help me today with the information, admission I have from her and the decision I need to make today about exposing what I know happened between the two of them.
Tell them that she had been texting another man about personal, intimate, sexual things.
Or sit on it.
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or snoop and get better evidence. Do you have the content of the text messages?
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I do, and it's nothing repulsive or nasty, the occasional vague sexual references and smiley winky faces. Honestly the worst one was about the reference to how frustrated she was. 90% of them were initiated by her like she was trying to see if she could seduce someone else or like she said validate herself. Most of the time his response was indifferent. He's single maybe he figures there's plenty of non married women without kids that don't live 6 hrs away to play with.
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I went back and read this from the start. I did not realize you HAVE NO EVIDENCE! Why??
And what are you exposing if you have no evidence?
Did I miss the part where you said you found evidence of the affair and are now exposing it? I guess I ASSUMED you actually had evidence if you were exposing.
You STILL have no evidence?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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