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I know everyone must read this and wonder why I want this, but I do love him....and we have two kids together and he is a good dad. I don't want to spend the rest of my life without him....we have goals for our future together, dreams to move elsewhere and enjoy the second half of our life when the kids grow up. He is my best friend.
But maybe he isn't, and my perception is wrong....but I do feel he loves me and I do feel he is always sorry after....but he just won't quit doing stupid things. I used to monitor him more closely, but I got tired of it. I just don't want to spend forever checking up on him, no matter what I can never keep him 100% accountable. It doesn't feel like what a marriage should be, more like a parent/child. I don't know how to ever get to trusting him again, or him being trustworthy, or maybe he never was.
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I know everyone must read this and wonder why I want this, but I do love him....and we have two kids together and he is a good dad. I don't want to spend the rest of my life without him....we have goals for our future together, dreams to move elsewhere and enjoy the second half of our life when the kids grow up. He is my best friend. Your love for him has not protected you from his abusive behavior, though. He has had multiple affairs and has violated you by assaulting you in your sleep and putting the pictures on the internet. I strongly suspect he brought his OW into your home while you were out of town and had sex with her. The issue is not your love for him, but that he is not SAFE. What would you tell your daughter to do if her husband did the same to her?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Did he take a polygraph in 2011? No, he didn't. I was prepared to go through with it, but he opted to come clean to my questions and then some. However looking back it's possible he only told me some to get me to let it go. That was another possible case of infidelity that he admitted to then. He said he had an infatuation with someone but it wasn't reciprocated and to this day he will swear he never had sex with another person in our entire marriage. But I think he was honest with the full extent of the internet video stuff, and that is done. I took several steps to be sure it simply can't happen.
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Ironically he just told me about an almost EA/PA? IN AN EMAIL! I am just so sad, so tired, so over all of this. I am not sure if I want separation or recovery at this point. This (non?)affair happened a few years ago and we lived in another state so I'm finding out way after the fact...I can't handle another thing on my plate. You posted the above in 2011 and it is notable that he was probably having an affair at that time. I think you will discover he has had multiple affairs and will continue because he knows you will do nothing to stop him.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Did he take a polygraph in 2011? No, he didn't. I was prepared to go through with it, but he opted to come clean to my questions and then some. However looking back it's possible he only told me some to get me to let it go. That was another possible case of infidelity that he admitted to then. He said he had an infatuation with someone but it wasn't reciprocated and to this day he will swear he never had sex with another person in our entire marriage. But I think he was honest with the full extent of the internet video stuff, and that is done. I took several steps to be sure it simply can't happen. You believe a liar was honest?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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That's the thing. I know I would never want a marriage like this for my daughter. Intellectually I step back and look and think this is crazy.
However I have zero proof that he ever actually had a sexual affair and he will not admit it. I have proof of almost affairs, but that's not quite the same. He swears and she swears that they were planning on her coming over but met at the store instead. I even checked little details, like they both said she got out of her car and got into his, and that it was his car, not my car...and they agree on where they met...but they could potentially have made up and agreed on a story back then.
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Yes, he did have a sexual affair but he is still lying about it. There was nothing stopping him from having sex with her. Even if he persists in lying about whether it was sexual or not, it is still an affair. One of many. A affair is an affair. He emailed you about another sexual affair in 2011 so you know this is a way of life for him.
And of course they coordinated their stories. The story about her dead husband is probably a lie too.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I kind of believe him, he is so insistent he did not have sex with anyone. I think for as much trouble he is in, what would be the point of holding back. I just can't know 100% without proof, so even if it sounds bad, I don't know that he definitely did. I mean, he just swears he never did anything.
His lying though, he lies and lies and lies some more...little stuff, big stuff, I'm thinking maybe I will ask him to find a counselor and fix that before we can think about being together. Sometimes I think he just plain can't help it.
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However I have zero proof that he ever actually had a sexual affair and he will not admit it. I have proof of almost affairs, but that's not quite the same. No, he admitted to 2 affairs so far. That is proof. There are many more.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Blackbird,
He lies to you because you believe him.
I read that sentence about going for drinks with her and her wanting to perform a sex act? Got a knot in my stomach. It's like watching a train crash in slow motion. Do you not realize that it isn't normal to go drinking with a woman at night when your wife is at home with the children? It's ludicrous and you have been in an abusive marriage so long you think it's in the realm of normal.
In one sentence you say you kind of believe him, then in the other, admit that he just lies all the time. You are an extreme enabler here and until you are willing to face the cold truth, nothing will change.
He abuses you for years and you just accept it. Why would he change when he doesn't have to? He can do whatever he wants and you will not divorce him. He has it made.
Last edited by alis; 01/25/14 09:58 AM.
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I kind of believe him, he is so insistent he did not have sex with anyone. I think for as much trouble he is in, what would be the point of holding back. I just can't know 100% without proof, so even if it sounds bad, I don't know that he definitely did. I mean, he just swears he never did anything.
His lying though, he lies and lies and lies some more...little stuff, big stuff, I'm thinking maybe I will ask him to find a counselor and fix that before we can think about being together. Sometimes I think he just plain can't help it. A polygraph would e a good first step. Did you get STDs from him?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Alis is correct, the bigger problem is your enabling.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I definitely know her husband is dead. That is a definite fact, he died of colon cancer not too long before they met up. I know because he also worked in the same building as a cleaner, eventually got sick and had to stop working, got sicker, and died....and I was friends with her through all this time. And there was a funeral and all of course. I also know she has been in at least one relationship since then as she was posting pictures and all all over Facebook, and personally told me about it, and how great he was and blah blah blah. Ugh now I'm mad all over again at her.
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A polygraph would e a good first step. Did you get STDs from him? [/quote]
No, nothing like that ever. Have always had a clean bill of health and I had a full checkup in October.
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If she disappeared off this earth tomorrow, she would simply be replaced by another.
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No, nothing like that ever. Have always had a clean bill of health and I had a full checkup in October. The bloodwork that is part of a full checkup does not include STD testing. Your doctor would have to specifically order STD tests in addition to the routine bloodwork. If your doctor has never done that, you've never been tested for STDs. Also, some STDs will not show up on a test until they've been in your system for a few months. So even if you got a clean STD test in October, you would need to get another test a few months later--and have abstained from sex during the time period between those two tests--in order to know that you truly do not have any STDs.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Your husband IS a liar.
You are too gullable at this point (I won't say trusting because it is beyond that).
Who CARES if the OW's H died from cancer? That is zero excuse for being a horrible person.
Period.
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Here are some good examples of questions to ask. Polygraph Testing
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I would separate and file for D. Your WH sounds like my ex's twin...serial cheater, habitual liar, affairs with subordinates...
Personally I would not bother with R. A person like this is just too messed up. I have lived it and would never tolerate this crap again. Get away from this toxic person.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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