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Marriage Builders Forums Infidelity Surviving an Affair I must be crazy....

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I must be crazy.... #2778621 01/26/14 10:18 PM
Joined: Jan 2014 Posts: 2 PA H hrtbrk13 Junior Member
hrtbrk13 Junior Member H Joined: Jan 2014 Posts: 2 PA	It's been 68 days since my world came crashing down....and Here I am on a forum for marriages that are falling apart. I cant believe it.... Trying to seek answer, advice, I dont even know any more. WH and I have been to 3 counseling sessions....for him he thinks we are doing great!! Me, I feel like I am drowning. Waiting for the door to open so I can run!! Our relationship has been thru some very rocky crap....we survived things most couples wouldn't have the biggest was my bio-D accusing him of touching her-which ended in a 3yr court system mess...where he was found not guilty on all charges. All while I was taking care of our 3 children alone....wondering if my life will ever be the same. we worked through that and have repaired as much as we can.... To a one night where ..... "I drank way too much..I didn't mean it to happen".... all while I was sick from drinking too much in the camper next door. I had no clue that it was even going on...all under my sisters nose and she didnt even suspect?? The pain isnt quit as unbearable as it was 40 days ago.....we have read together just about every book on surviving an affair we could and cried together so many nights. I just feel like I am a complete idiot for sticking around, but I dont want to tear my family apart?? therapy lady says i shouldnt make and rash decisions for at least 6 months and work things out if thats what I want to do....my heart is completely broken. This OW and OWH are not the "nice" couple that one should hang around with...they are swingers and don't value their relationship at all. The OW was already involved with OM whom she told me and my H about. So upon her fling with my H she states that she is pregnant with my H's baby....Upon D-Day I go into frantic mode searching for texts, phone calls and find that they have been communicating by phone since that night on Oct.12 which leads me to believe they were having some type of relationship...WH says it was bc he was so sick from this happening he was angry with her bc he states it happened so fast before he knew it....it was happening and he stopped it. he was calling her sick with grief and worry about what he did to me......at which she had no concern it wasnt until nov 6 or 7 he says that she called and states that she is pregnant. a few weeks later we are all together again at our camp and she proceeds to tell my sister that this happened and my sister then tells me a few days later, and that is when I call the OWH to talk to him and in his raging furry she claims my H raped her......I have stood by this man during my DD accusations and have to live with the fact that my DD no longer speaks to me, and now I am confronted with this...my heart tells me she is such a conniving witch that she planned this all along just to end her pregnancy in a fashion that she wouldnt have to feel guilty and her family wouldn't be mad at her. gosh I can't believe I am doing this.......thank you for your time in reading this. Me 43yrs H 45yrs Married 15yrs 3 children:DD#1-14 DS#2-7 DD#3-7 DD Nov 19, 2013 trying to recover....

Re: I must be crazy.... hrtbrk13 #2778638 01/26/14 11:54 PM
Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6 Moved to Uranus B BrainHurts Member
BrainHurts Member B Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6 Moved to Uranus	Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain. Have you read all of this? Surviving an Affair-Start Here First FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.

Re: I must be crazy.... hrtbrk13 #2778644 01/27/14 12:10 AM
Joined: Jun 2008 Posts: 6,108 B black_raven Member
black_raven Member B Joined: Jun 2008 Posts: 6,108	Originally Posted by hrtbrk13 my heart tells me she is such a conniving witch that she planned this all along just to end her pregnancy in a fashion that she wouldnt have to feel guilty and her family wouldn't be mad at her. Did she supposedly have an abortion? BW - me exWH - serial cheater 2 awesome kids Divorced 12/2011 Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been. We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot. --------Eleanor Roosevelt

Re: I must be crazy.... black_raven #2778646 01/27/14 12:14 AM
Joined: Nov 2011 Posts: 11,239 Another universe J Jedi_Knight Member
Jedi_Knight Member J Joined: Nov 2011 Posts: 11,239 Another universe	I suggest you email Dr Harley for advice. . Did your husband ever take a polygraph?

Re: I must be crazy.... hrtbrk13 #2778657 01/27/14 06:45 AM
Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 11,650 UK I indiegirl Member
indiegirl Member I Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 11,650 UK	Well my quick-fire advice would be to stop counselling immediately. There are few counsellors equipped to deal with adultery. The average counselling session is just an opportunity for the WS to beat the BS over the head with every imperfection/complaint they have to justify the affair. The way to recover from an affair is - stop having one! It would be more productive to go out for a nice dinner and talk. -------- There are a few confusing things from your post? Originally Posted by hrtbrk13 my bio-D accusing him of touching her-which ended in a 3yr court system mess...where he was found not guilty on all charges. All while I was taking care of our 3 children alone....wondering if my life will ever be the same. we worked through that and have repaired as much as we can.... Are you sure she was not telling the truth? Why? Originally Posted by hrtbrk13 To a one night where ..... "I drank way too much..I didn't mean it to happen".... all while I was sick from drinking too much in the camper next door. I had no clue that it was even going on...all under my sisters nose and she didnt even suspect?? Do they claim it happened just one time 'under your sister's nose'? That's clearly a lie. Do you both drink a lot? Originally Posted by hrtbrk13 This OW and OWH are not the "nice" couple that one should hang around with...they are swingers and don't value their relationship at all. The OW was already involved with OM whom she told me and my H about. Are you friends with these swingers? Are you sure they swing and how do you know? Why are you friends with swingers? Was your husband involved in their swingers circle? Were you? Your sister? Originally Posted by hrtbrk13 a few weeks later we are all together again at our camp and she proceeds to tell my sister that this happened and my sister then tells me a few days later, What camp is this? How is your sister involved? ------------------------------------------ My instinct is that you will need your H to sit a polygraph to get at the truth regarding the abuse claims and the true story re the affair. What would you do if you were not afraid? "Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Re: I must be crazy.... hrtbrk13 #2778670 01/27/14 08:48 AM
Joined: Aug 2011 Posts: 1,433 NC M mrEureka Member
mrEureka Member M Joined: Aug 2011 Posts: 1,433 NC	Originally Posted by hrtbrk13 It's been 68 days since my world came crashing down....and Here I am on a forum for marriages that are falling apart. I cant believe it.... Trying to seek answer, advice, I dont even know any more. You are on a forum full of people with in marriages that have recovered by using the proven methods pioneered by Dr. Harley. Far from being a crazy thing to do, it is a first step for returning your marriage to solid ground. me-65 wife-61 married for 40 years DS - 38, autistic, lives at home DD - 37, married and on her own DS - 32, still living with us

Re: I must be crazy.... mrEureka #2778691 01/27/14 10:45 AM
Joined: Jul 2001 Posts: 5,247 L Lexxxy Member
Lexxxy Member L Joined: Jul 2001 Posts: 5,247	Polygraph. That needs to be your condition for even considering working this out. You need the full truth about your life first. Then consider the marriage.

Re: I must be crazy.... indiegirl #2778720 01/27/14 02:56 PM
Joined: Jan 2014 Posts: 2 PA H hrtbrk13 Junior Member
hrtbrk13 Junior Member H Joined: Jan 2014 Posts: 2 PA	Brianhurts: Yes I did read alot from this website. along with several books, After the Affair, Not Just FRiends and Getting Past the Affair. Recently started His needs Her Needs Originally Posted by indiegirl Well my quick-fire advice would be to stop counselling immediately. There are few counsellors equipped to deal with adultery. The average counselling session is just an opportunity for the WS to beat the BS over the head with every imperfection/complaint they have to justify the affair. The way to recover from an affair is - stop having one! It would be more productive to go out for a nice dinner and talk. -------- There are a few confusing things from your post? Originally Posted by hrtbrk13 my bio-D accusing him of touching her-which ended in a 3yr court system mess...where he was found not guilty on all charges. All while I was taking care of our 3 children alone....wondering if my life will ever be the same. we worked through that and have repaired as much as we can.... Are you sure she was not telling the truth? Why? I dont really know for sure...during this whole process her stories of the 2 times that she said this happened were never consistent. Along with me being home at the time in in the next room?? Originally Posted by hrtbrk13 To a one night where ..... "I drank way too much..I didn't mean it to happen".... all while I was sick from drinking too much in the camper next door. I had no clue that it was even going on...all under my sisters nose and she didnt even suspect?? Do they claim it happened just one time 'under your sister's nose'? That's clearly a lie. Do you both drink a lot? When I say under my sister's nose I mean that she was present and the two of them had left to go to the bathhouse she didnt even realize this could have happened? As far as drinking goes we are camping on the weekends and this weekend we all were drinking which is not a "Normal" thing. Originally Posted by hrtbrk13 This OW and OWH are not the "nice" couple that one should hang around with...they are swingers and don't value their relationship at all. The OW was already involved with OM whom she told me and my H about. Are you friends with these swingers? Are you sure they swing and how do you know? Why are you friends with swingers? I suspected that they swing?? I do know they are very open to letting people know that they cheat....on each other all the time, to them thats ok. We are not really "friends" we camp at an all year round camp in the summer time on weekends and they have a camp just like we do? we do not hang out outside of camp Was your husband involved in their swingers circle? Were you? Your sister? NO WE ARE NOT!!!! Originally Posted by hrtbrk13 a few weeks later we are all together again at our camp and she proceeds to tell my sister that this happened and my sister then tells me a few days later, What camp is this? How is your sister involved? My sisters (i have 3 along w my parents)all have a camp there? its a small campground outside of a state park. ------------------------------------------ My instinct is that you will need your H to sit a polygraph to get at the truth regarding the abuse claims and the true story re the affair. HOw can I get a polygraph....couldnt even get one during court crap??? Me 43yrs H 45yrs Married 15yrs 3 children:DD#1-14 DS#2-7 DD#3-7 DD Nov 19, 2013 trying to recover....

Re: I must be crazy.... hrtbrk13 #2778724 01/27/14 03:11 PM
Joined: Jul 2001 Posts: 5,247 L Lexxxy Member
Lexxxy Member L Joined: Jul 2001 Posts: 5,247	You require that he submit to one. Paid for privately - by him. Hire a private service to condict one.

Re: I must be crazy.... hrtbrk13 #2778928 01/27/14 10:26 PM
Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6 Moved to Uranus B BrainHurts Member
BrainHurts Member B Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6 Moved to Uranus	Here are some good questions to ask. Polygraph Testing FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.

Re: I must be crazy.... BrainHurts #2779055 01/28/14 03:48 PM
Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 11,650 UK I indiegirl Member
indiegirl Member I Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 11,650 UK	OK. I have an idea now. This is your guide. Originally Posted by MelodyLane He will have to agree to meet certain conditions that protect you from another affair. That also means ending contact for life with the OW and telling you all the facts about her. you have a right to know everything. He will have to agree to change the environment that led to the affair. I really need you to get the book Survving an Affair so you will know what you are doing. But here is the checklist of things he will have to do: From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67 The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted. These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives. Checklist for How Affairs Should End _____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse. _____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again. _____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse. _____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP: _____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse). _____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers). _____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent). _____Spend leisure time together. _____Change jobs and relocate if necessary. _____Avoid overnight separation. _____Allow technical accountability. _____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends. OK? The 'reveal information' part is usually backed up with a polygraph. I'm pretty concerned that your H was such an easy target for such an obvious woman, so I think you should be rigorous here. What would you do if you were not afraid? "Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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