I have found evidence that my husband has been having an affair with one of his former co-workers. I was able to copy their text string spanning several months while he was away at school detailing meetings at her place where my husband went and stayed for the weekend. At this point, I am still unsure of whether or not I want to save the marriage but was wondering (they are both fairly high ranking officers) what type of damage that could do to either of them. I don't really want either of them to lose their jobs or rank (perhaps a little public exposure as I am thinking of exposing the affair) The OW happens to work in an IG office! pretty awful huh?

Absolutely, you should expose to the IG!!! Did you read the post written by a former IG officer on my exposure thread?

Please expose this affair to the IG directly. OW is not fit to work in this office. Please tell me that she is not the actual IG herself.

AM

expose the affair, but if possible, ask moderate sanctions so they will not lose their job

The affair, or any self destructive behavior should be exposed and they should be allowed to face the natural consequences of their actions.

In most cases, one of them NEEDS to lose one of their jobs in order to end the affair and save the marriage

Are any of the people who replied to this actually in the military?

My husband and I retired as Colonels, after 28 years and 29 years, respectively. Why do you ask?

AM

Yes. Why?

Thanks! Just wondering who is giving advice here since everyone thinks he is an authority when posting on the internet.

Thank you so much for signing up to set us all straight.

I see by your chosen User name "goofedit" you are an authority on critiquing others posts on the internet??

Besides the fact that some posters here have been in the military, the terms of service require that posters offer guidance from a Marriage Builders perspective. Dr. Harley has had a lot of experience working with people in the military and has spoken at length with military chaplains regarding the challenges to military marriages. If someone does not post guidance from Dr. Harley's perspective, they are quickly called out and corrected.

I am active duty navy, fraternization is against the UCMJ, as well as having sexual relations while married.

I know this is old. However, I thought I'd throw in my 2cents as people frequently peruse these discussions. I am Retired Military with 20+ years of service (U.S. Military)

First of all, Yes, report infidelity. Be it your spouse, your neighbor, someone in uniform you don't even know. REPORT IT. Engaging in such behavior has an immediate negative effect on unit readiness, morale, and welfare. "Combat Effectiveness" is a real thing regarding any unit, and someone who's cheating IS IN FACT ENGAGED IN DAMAGING it. We're not talking about a shift crew at Home Depot or a Corporate subdivision. We're talking about people who go live and work in, or are expected to drop everything and go live and work, in combat zones. Combat Zones are not safe places, generally speaking. People in the military oftentimes simply can't drop what they're doing and go get counseling. They can't always immediately confront their WS. Think about it. Imagine living and working in a combat zone, doing a job that lives literally depend on.... and you're overcome with emotion because your WS back home decided to drop the infidelity bomb on you. OR you just suspect it. It's bad, very bad. This is why infidelity is, in general... very ~illegal~ in the military. Every military member in the DoD KNOWS THIS. If they claim otherwise, don't buy it... it's a lie.

But, probably best you don't go straight to the IG. The IG will work for you once you've reported the offender to his/her chain of command ~without results~. If you can't report to the chain of command (for obvious reasons), THEN the IG is your best place to go. It's sort of long and involved but, if the offender's chain of command hasn't been informed of the problem, the IG will simply dump it back TO the chain of command (by chain of command I mean... for example, your WS's commander, and that commander's commander... etc etc). In a perfect world, if you walk into your WS's commander's office and explain your spouse is cheating (especially with someone else in the same unit), those two will ~quickly~ be dealt with. The results may not be what you want per se, but it would be best for the unit. (Everyone in the DoD is very used to the phrase "the needs of the SERVICE (Army, Navy, etc) will take precedence".