In my opinion, you have more than enough evidence to come to the conclusion there is an affair. I wouldn't even bother hiring a PI.

But I also would not leave town. That is a strategic mistake. Go read my exposure thread that is linked in my signature. I would confront this affair NOW by EXPOSING it. Once it is exposed you can confront your husband [hide your evidence] and DEMAND that he end his affair. If he won't end his affair and commit to a program of recovery, THEN you should leave and go to your parents.

I wuold go read my exposure thread on tips on exposure. Go to the OW's facebook page today and copy and paste all her contacts into a safe place.

WE will help you bust up this affair with a nice little nuclear exposure.


It may be salvagable and it may not. But you should be taking the necessary steps so you can at least kill his affair.


We can show you the steps to take towards reconcilation and recovery and if he will agree to all your conditions your marriage can be restored. If not, there is nothing here to save. You would want to give him a plan for recovery and if he will agree, your marriage can be saved. If not, then you should separate within 3 weeks.

MelodyLane is absolutely correct on this. She has a great suggestion, and you would avoid the unnecessary cost of a PI.

After you have read through the Exposure 101 thread, and you have saved all the contacts from the OW's facebook page, let us know if you have any questions.

When are you due? Are you having pre-term labor contractions?

Thank you so much Melodylane and Blairebluefin! That is very helpful about saving money on the PI. I have not copied the OW's facebook page contacts yet. I will read through the Exposure 101 thread. To be honest, that idea scares me a bit and I don't know if I would feel safe if I did that without putting distance between me and spouse. He is not physically abusive but does have anger management issues. That is the part that makes me think twice about if it is salvageable. He has a whole lot of changing to do before I would even consider taking him back. Quite a bit of it has not been mentioned here because my extremely long posts would become impossibly long.

Blairbluefin: Yes, they are pre-term, pretty strong and definitely more than the recommended 4 per hour. and I am due on February 24th so baby is in the window. At this point, I don't really even want him in the delivery room. I think that would cause a very panicky labor and delivery experience for me as every time I think about all of this, I feel like passing out and/or vomiting. I am not normally a person prone to panic attacks and I can definitely understand when people say a bad marital situation can cause health problems!

Exposure is not just about getting the facts into the open. It also aids the BS (betrayed spouse) in getting support for what they are dealing with. It is absolutely essential as the first step to Recovery.

I had pre-term contractions starting at 5 months. It was stressful. Please make sure you take plenty of breaks to rest while you are in the middle of this stress "tornado" that your H has caused. Do you have a support system in place for labor and delivery? Are friends bringing you meals for that time?

If there are other things that you think might help us understand your situation, please feel free to write. Just make lots of paragraphs so it is easy for us to read.

It may not be salavagable, but exposure will you the best chance. As long as his affair goes on, he will remain in the fog. [the affair causes the fog] So dealing with him will be a nightmare if you don't kill the affair. Exposure is extremely therapeutic and that is exactly wher you should start.

Did you copy the OW's contact list and save it somewhere?

And yes, everyone is scared about exposure. IT is very scary. But it is also very necessary and the alternative - keeping the affair a secret - is MORE scary because affairs thrive on secrecy.


Dr Harley would tell you to separate from him right away if he won't end his affair and commit to the marriage. In your condition that is especially important.

Right now, I have no support system except for my husband for labor and delivery as we just moved to the area and I don't know anyone yet. My family is all on the West Coast and we are living in the Midwest. My parents were planning on coming up for the birth but I am not sure they would get here in time. I am one of those people who can't really tell that they are in active labor until it is about time to push.

As for exposure, I am definitely open to the idea but as for reconciliation, some things that make me think that my husband has disappeared too far into the fog are:

1. He is emotionally and sometimes verbally abusive
2. He shouts at the kids like they are dogs.
3. He noticeably prefers one child over the other two
4. He has lots of angry outbursts (I like to call them temper tantrums) for reasons that most people would probably not be able to figure out.
5. He is insecure and thinks everyone talks down to him all the time (mostly at work)
6. He lied to me and shows absolutely no remorse - none whatsoever
7. He can't handle being around the kids for much more than a couple of hours before he "needs to take a break"
8. He doesn't follow through on what he says he will do.
9. He will stand by and watch me do "manly" chores like mow the yard or take out the trash
10. He doesn't love me (I know this is probably pretty subjective but if I have to keep reminding him to fulfill any of my emotional n beeds, I don't know
11. He always thinks of himself first and seems to have many of the characteristics of a narcissist. (I am not a shrink but those articles I have seen about it are pretty spot on).
12. He has been this way since the beginning of our marriage and I have put up with it and allowed myself to be treated this way.

As he has come home from work, he has said that he wants to skip dinner and immediately go take a nap! He has once again disappeared into the bedroom. Perhaps there will be more info to snoop tomorrow.

So would my action be to expose, then confront, then leave if no commitment to change?

Do you have a local congregation of your faith that can help you for support? Can your mother come out when you have the baby?

Yes. Expose first, then confront him, then leave with the kids if he won't commit to the marriage. Your health is important.

If you fear him, have a male relative with you when you expose. Or a group of girlfriends. But don't hesitate to expose just because of his anger - this is a death blow that the affair needs.

Have you talked to your OB about what is going on? He needs to know in order to care for you and the baby.

If he doesn't end the affair and commit to the marriage immediately, you need to separate and go to Plan B. You need to think of your health and that of your baby's.

Yes, the kids and I just started attending a local church near our house. We have been able to attend 2x and the kids go to Awanas there on Wednesdays. My parents both planned on driving out on the 19th.

A women's shelter may be a good option for you, too, if you fear him.

I have an OB appointment tomorrow and plan on telling the doctor about what is going on. My parents said they would be willing to come to pull me out but I don't know if they would be on board with exposing as I had mentioned it to them earlier today over the phone. My family members I have told think I should cut and run and they no longer think very highly of my husband.

Good that you are seeing your OB tomorrow. Your doc may have some other suggestions for where you can turn for help also.

It doesn't sound like much to save here, however, you can offer him a CHANCE at reconciliation if he makes a radical change in his approach to marriage. That is what we will help you do when you separate from him. And he can either take or leave your offer.

I get the sense from reading your posts that you have enabled his bad behavior to some degree. You told me you had been in Plan A for some years, which means you have given him "unconditional love." UL leads to neglect and abuse and that is exactly what he has done with you.

I would plan on blowing up his affair tomorrow in a strategic, methodical way. Read through my exposure thread and start making your plans. I would start by exposing to the OW's family contacts and from there go to his family members and then to your own.

Often, you can do a search for it online and come up with information from your local shelter. At least you can have the info ready in case you need it.

Yes, I can see why. But they need to understand that exposure is the best thing you can do. Otherwise your husband will remain in the fog and will be more difficult to deal with in the future. It also allows him to blame the breakdown of the marriage on you. Exposure is the recommendation of Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders.

Keeping the affair a secret only serves to enable them and that is not good for anyone involved.

Thank you so much all of you!

Melodylane: you are right, I have totally been an enabler and have slowly started to figure that out over the last few months

I know my list painted him out to be a monster but he is not all of those characteristics all the time. That is what makes this difficult. I suppose it is like gambling at the slot machines. You win enough to keep yourself hooked and pulling the lever but end up slowly losing to the house in the long run.

It doesn't matter what he has done in the past. What matters is what he is willing to do in the FUTURE. He has had no motivation to change. Exposure gives him that motivation and gives you the best chance at saving your marriage. If he doesn't change then you don't have to waste any more time with him.

And absolutely YES you should expose the affair to the military!! The military will want to separate them. And the OW will likely be removed from her position in the IG. When you expose you will have to go over her head to the IG and to his commander.