That is very good news, Jazzy!

It is great that he remembered and put forth the effort!
But I bolded above what went wrong. In order for UA to be most effective, it needs to happen at a time you are not so tired. Dr. Harley also recommends that it takes place outside the house.

It is tempting to try to fit in UA at night after the kids are in bed, when you are tired and at home. But you are not going to enjoy this time as much as if you had gone out on a date when you had more energy.

Markos and I make UA our priority for the week. Everything else is planned around UA.

Start looking around for a babysitter, and plan some dates outside the house. This time should be spent doing something you both enjoy while showing each other a lot of affection and having enjoyable conversation (no relationship talk!). End the evening at home with mutually fulfilling sex.

If I were you, I would talk to your pastor about the program and your goals of using it to better your marriage. See if he is willing to support you in following it.

If your husband is interested, Markos would probably be willing to email with him. Markos is very knowledgeable about the program and could help answer questions or offer support.

There is an article on here somewhere about how to find an MB friendly counselor. I will see if I can find it.



These feelings are very normal. You will find that once the two of you start following the program on a regular basis, and are getting plenty of good UA, these feelings will fade. If the program is followed, you should start feeling better in 3-4 months. If you are not, it usually means part of the program isn't being followed, and there is a problem somewhere. We will be here to help you through that if it happens.

A couple of articles for you to read:
How to find a good marriage counselor
how to create your own plan

Been thinking about you, Jazzy. How are things going?

Things are not going well. I am planning to move back into the guest room until after the baby is born. Then I guess we can decide what we want to do from there.

What's going on, jazzy?
When are you due?

Is he still having AOs?
We're here for you, Jazzy ...

I am due on May 26.

It is so hard to explain everything, but I guess the bottom line is that I have lost hope that things are ever going to change long-term.

For instance, I have been feeling under the weather for a while, and at the end of the week, I had to attend some outdoor events with my dd in the freezing cold. Since then, I have been so sick I have hardly been able to sleep and am going through at least a box of tissues a day, but I have still been trying to keep all of our commitments and keep up with my duties for house and kids.

Well, last night, we went to our son's basketball game. Got home at 8 and I made sure everyone was settled and fed, then I put my PJ's on, made my plate and went to eat in our room. My husband usually puts the kids to bed when he is home (not often) so I just assumed he was going to do it.

He came into the room and laid on the bed and then the kids all came in talking to me. (I am still sick and just feeling terrible.) I said to Dh, "Look, I was trying to eat in peace." And he replied, "I was just taking my shoes off. I'm tired, too." I did not want to argue and he did not seem to be getting up, so I got up to put the rest of the food away and start getting the kids to bed. While I was putting the food away, he goes and puts the kids to bed and then is mad at me for the rest of the night, purposefully not speaking to me, sleeping as far as possible on his side of the bed, etc.

This is so silly, but stuff like this happens all the time. I feel like I am walking on eggshells all the time. And even in really low moments, like when I am really sick or bringing a baby home or dealing with death of a loved one, etc. I still have to carefully watch every word or action or I am going to pay for it. Just over a year ago, I was at one of the lowest points of my life, and he threw a big hissy fit and stormed out of the house because there was no bacon in the fridge. My life was falling apart and he had no care or concern at all!

So this morning, I tried very calmly to talk to him about what happened last night. He denied everything and then started ignoring me. Then, about an hour later he says he knows he was being mean and he is sorry and could we go to lunch. I didn't want to go and when we tried to talk again, it just ended in this huge argument. He just wants to sweep everything under the rug and say sorry and forget about it, and I can't do that anymore. I can no longer handle the stress of living like this. Most of the time while he is at work I am thinking about how much I dislike him.

We have been spending time together, going on dates, and also reading Love Busters, but I don't think we are making progress.

I know people who are terrible housekeepers and out of shape, and mostly complain and mope around all the time, and their husbands love them. There are wives who are sleeping with other men, and the husbands love them and are still chasing them.

I feel like I am a good wife and mother. I am getting older, but I work out and I am in decent shape. I want to be treated like a good wife and mother and not like someone with all these faults and deficiencies my husband is merely tolerating. I would really like someone to love me and care about me.

I do not have any brothers or sisters, and am not close to my mother or father. (They're not married.) I do not have any close friends because I have been so focused on our family. All I really have is the kids.

I know it is silly, but I keep thinking that maybe I am not too old to find someone to love me. Maybe I should just move on after the baby is born. I really want to stay married to my husband, but I just don't see how things will ever change.

Well, I am the one who had an AO today.

I was trying to be calm, but he just twists and confuses everything. We can never have an honest conversation. He declares war - he just does it very calmly. Today I ended up taking the bait, and he seemed to feel very smug, seeing how terrible I am.

That's why I was thinking maybe it would just be better to stay away from each other unless we are doing things with the children. When I was sleeping in the guest room over the holidays, we seemed to get along just fine.

How much time together outside the house would you say you two are getting? Doing what?

One of the big problems I see is Disrespectful Judgements on both your parts. I understand being pregnant, tired and sick all at once! I'm there right now! It would be beneficial to you to learn to handle conflicts respectfully even when you are under the weather, though. Instead of "Look, I was trying to eat in peace," try "Hon, I'm sick tonight and the kids are really bothering me. Would you mind putting them to bed?" Taking the disrespect and demands out of it will be more likely to get you what you need in the long run.

What does he think of Lovebusters? This is perhaps the most important question I have: Is he on board with the program? The success of this program really hinges on his willingness to follow it. If he is unwilling, I will be the first to tell you to separate. But if he IS willing and is just stumbling, I would say give him some time.

Would he be willing to email with Markos? Markos knows the program in and out and could help guide him.

Some more reading for you:
When to call it quits, part 1
When to call it quits, part 2
How to negotiate when you are an emotional person

Staying away from each other only prolongs the problem.

What is best for the two of you AND your children is to learn to stop Lovebusters, negotiate respectfully, and meet each other's needs.

There was a lady on the radio show today named "Carly" who feels detached from her husband and unloved. It might be a good show for you to listen to.

We are getting about 6-8 hours outside of the house, usually going out to lunch or dinner, and a couple of times to run errands together. We are getting about 2-4 hours at home, usually dessert and playing games. We are working on cutting back on other stuff (work & kids' activities) to make more time for each other.

You are right that I could (and should) have asked more nicely. I know it is bratty, but I just feel like I am the one who has worked so hard all these years to avoid being disrespectful and getting angry, and I would like to see some effort from Him.

He seemed discouraged today, and said he felt like he was never going to be able to get it right. I asked him if he wanted to continue with the program, and he said yes that we have to start somewhere. I asked him if emailing an experienced MBer would help and he said maybe. I will ask him tonight if I can give Markos his email address.

Thank you!

The last article was especially helpful. I am going to re-read it and start practicing some of the techniques.

Okay, that is true. I am just feeling very resentful and stubborn about it.

It might be true that you've been the one working hard - but bear in mind that disrespect from you will make it less likely that you will get what you need, instead of more likely.


It is very doable! And from what I have seen your husband is a very intelligent man who can learn and get this. Can you guys listen to the radio show together? It will help for him to start hearing this material applied to other people's situations. Neither of you will be as emotional about those and it will be easier to start thinking about marital problems in general that you aren't as invested in.

Dr. Harley made a great point on the radio show today. This was about infidelity, but when you think about it - if this is true about a marriage recovering from infidelity, it should be even more true in marriages recovering from other traumas.

The point was this: the steps he recommends that people take for recovery are all about recovering and are not at all about punishment. Punishment doesn't help a marriage recover, and needs to be avoided at all costs.

If anyone were the king and queen of punishing each other a few years ago, it would have been me and Prisca. To recover, we had to learn to avoid saying or doing anything that would punish each other, no matter what the offense was (and there were some terrible ones), and no matter how frustrated we felt. When one of us would run into a long-running problem that hadn't been fixed yet the resentment was almost unbearable and would lead to a feeling of hopelessness, that there was no solution, that talking about the problem hadn't done any good - and the inevitable result was to reach for the weapons of punishment. That was all we knew.

What Marriage Builders gives out is the tools that replace punishment and solve problems. Nothing ever comes from trying to make our spouse feel bad for their mistakes. But it is possible to complain to each other, negotiate, solve marital problems together, and learn to protect each other from ourselves and meet each other's emotional needs.

I know it is frustrating, but make a resolution that when you feel frustrated you will not say or do anything until you have calmed down. Get your husband to make this resolution as well! (Let us know if he says yes or no to this proposal.) Over time you'll be able to redirect your brain toward solving the problems together instead of punishing each other.

I can honestly say that it has not made a difference in our marriage whether I've been respectful or not. I spent years trying to be respectful and avoid AOs and DJs. During that time, husband only became even more brazen in feeling that he should have his own way all the time with no regard for me at all. None.

I appreciate the time you and Prisca have invested, and I am glad things are so much better for you. I don't believe my husband and I are going to be able to work through our issues. We have agreed to sleep in separate rooms until the baby is born, and then figure out where to proceed from there.

Jazzy, I have fought the same fight. The thing is that intermittent DJs show that you never really lost that disrespect for your DH. And what you do to him, you do to yourself and your kids. It's not a difficult thing to eliminate, and something that will make you and your kids and your family happier regardless of whether it saves your marriage. I can imagine you feel cheated of the experience you were supposed to have a the end of your pregnancy. But you can feel the loss, take in the information, without doubling the withdrawal with the DJs.

The is a beautiful special time for you, and anything that you can come to accept with resentment and judgment, you can instead come to accept with resilience and strength. And if you've read the When to Call It Quits articles, that goes for whether your marriage is salvable or not. I hope you have a beautiful weekend! Any fun FC and RC planned? This is the time before you have the new baby

Sleeping in separate rooms will only make it worse...