@MelodyLane: Thanks for advice on Facebook exposure - I thought 700 was a little too much to make it through. I have WH work roster and he works for civilian woman.

Have you read this Exposure 101 ?

MelodyLane has all the information on Facebook, workplace, and how to expose in the military.

pokerface: I don't have a VAR yet but right now I am considering exposing and taking a flight out of town on Thursday. I need to get to where I am going to be pretty soon to get some OB care before baby's arrival.

I told OB today and he put in a lab to check for STDs.

Armymama: I think you are right about the affair starting during deployment. The moodiness is consistent with his contact with her. He has gone on quite a bit about sandalwood candles...blech >:P
I know in the text string that she had traveled to our location for business so I imagine it could easily happen again. I guess I need to talk to his boss (she is civilian - he is the new guy and hoping to make a good first impression - he has had nearly all top block OERs throughout his entire career.

I appreciate your input on the IG/ punitive action thing. It makes me feel better about exposing him in the workplace. Tomorrow I will go see chaplain. If I am to make flight, I have to get busy and draft my letter for facebook, should I call his parents in person? His oldest sister is the info flow person of the family, perhaps call her before the exposure?

Tomorrow looks to be a busy day...I see the templates in the exposure 101, would something like that work for me? I want to phrase it appropriately.

They have met over the course of 4 weekends with 3 of them filled with sightseeing/ orchestra/ museum/ dinner activities - mix of group activities and time doing this stuff by themselves. They have baked cookies most times they have met up. The last time they met up didn't have any other "date" activities scheduled so it looks like they just hung out together.

Brainhurts,

I read the Exposure 101 a couple of times and am now drafting a letter to send to facebook people. I am having a little trouble figuring out who OW's close friends are and I noticed her timeline is not showing older posts...I could have sworn it did yesterday. I guess I will have to check via WH account tomorrow for more top people. I saw that WH had been looking up how to take back a friend request on Facebook. I wonder if that is for me or one of the OW. He might be on to me, I messed around a little too much with the Ipad this morning and couldn't get all the open programs back exactly where they were. Oops...time is running short indeed.

Ok, here is what I came up with from plagarizing your exposure 101 thread. What do you all think? I think perhaps being a little more detailed about the fact that he didn't tell me about the get togethers.

Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of WH and I. As some of you know, we are expecting our 4th child on the 24th of February. WH was recently attening XXXX school in XXXX. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that he has been carrying on an inappropriate relationship with another woman who lives in Washington DC. He has stayed overnight at her house multiple times and has not been truthful with me about this. The other woman's name is OW and she is also in the Army and was in his former unit when we lived in XXXX. WH did not tell me about their overnight get togethers while he was away in school until I discovered what they were up to.

I want our marriage to recover from this. Myself and our children are deeply affected by this. If you have any influence on my husband, please do what you can to get him to stop this extramarital relationship. I want to stay married, but the relationship between my husband and this other woman must end.

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with WH to persuade him to end this relationship with the other woman and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if he would only end the affair. Please support him in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage. I am traveling with our 3 children, going to visit my family in San Diego as I am too distraught with this situation and don't think it is a healthy environment for our unborn baby.

I would so appreciate your support and prayers.

Warmest regards,
BW

Lilly,

You are making some strategic mistakes if you are wanting to recover the marriage. Leaving for your parent's house will not be helpful. It will just give your husband and OW opportunity to carry on their affair, either unimpeded on the phone and internet or in person over the weekends. During this time, they will craft a story about the innocence of their friendship and how you are crazy for thinking they could be in an affair.

Call his parents in person. Also, call your SIL. Make an appointment with his boss and tell her in person. As a civilian, it is less likely that she will know the military approach to an investigation. I think this will make it even more likely that there will not be punitive action against your husband. I think you need to be very insistent about the boss issuing a no contact order between your H and OW.

AM

TO WHOM are you sending this email? This is NOT a facebook exposure letter. You do realize this email is for close family and friends? Is that the purpose of this email? It is not the facebook version.

I would take out any ambiguous language like "inappropriate relationship" because that takes away the meaning of your email and will just annoy people. People have no idea what that means. If you sent that to me, I would be scratching my head going "huh? why is she bothering me with such nonsense?" But if you say what it really is, then you have my attention.

And I would remove your comments about him not telling you he was spending the night with the OW. That makes it sound like it would have been OK if he had told you. I don't think that is the message you want to give people.

And I agree with armymama about leaving town and said this earlier. That is a strategic mistake and you shouldn't do it.

FACEBOOK EXPOSURE INSTRUCTIONS

Should be done to the OP�s facebook friends via private message. This is a very, very effective exposure because it is a collection of the OP�s closest friends and family.

SPACE THE PM�S OUT 60 SECONDS APART SO FB DOES NOT SHUT YOU DOWN FOR FLOODING. Before you begin, copy and paste all the contacts into a WORD doc. Change your fb picture to a picture of you and your spouse and children.

YOU WILL LIKELY HAVE TO PAY $1 PER CONTACT OR THEY WILL SEND TO THE TARGET'S SPAM BOX. PAY THE MONEY SO IT GETS TO THE RIGHT PLACE.

Dear friend of JoeScumbag:

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should know the kind of person he really is. Joe had an affair with my wife, Sally, from Aug until September. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have 2 small daughters and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BH

***********************


Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that OW is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with OW to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW

Your WH will also try his hardest to make YOU feel like you are crazy. It is important to prepare yourself for his reaction because it is easier to stay cool and calm when you expect and can recognize his anger for the manipulation tactic that it is.

You can always require that he take a poly to prove his innocence to you. I know that if my own spouse suspected that I was in an affair I would jump at the chance to prove my innocence.

Do an exposure all at once and get it over with. Then you can move on to the next step.

You are doing great. Hugs.

Should I also send out to WH's facebook and my facebook contacts or just do calls and e-mails to our families?

I know it is not strategically good to leave right now but I honestly don't think this marriage is salvageable and staying here gives me such anxiety. If I was not so close to having baby, I would probably be in better shape to stand in place here.

Are you eating well? Are you resting enough and planning breaks during your day?

By leaving now with important things left undone, you are risking the OW taking your place in the family as future step-mother to your children.

Please take the time to do the exposure right. Do everything the vets have told you about Exposure and the next steps. Do everything you can to run off the OW right now. You can do this!

Lillypenny. Your WH is textbook and this affair is textbook. You have a very good chance at saving your marriage if you can find the strength to kill this affair.

I used to find strength by thinking about OW having anything to do with my kids. That was going to happen over my dead body.

It is way too early to be thinking that it is not salvageable.

How is your health holding up?

If your health is really on a string, then you can expose from within Plan B.

BUT - do not do it becuase you think things are not salvageable. There is no way to know that. It looks like the very typical affair at this point, from which many people bounce back. Even if it is not, or you do not want the marriage, you staying put is the best way to avoid OW becoming stepmom and guest of honour at your kids' weddings.

If you leave now, the affair will likely last much longer than it has to.

Though I know it doesn't feel like it, you are going to feel just as stressed in exile but additionally you will also plagued with 'What if's?'

Exposure is scary beforehand, but afterwards it is empowering and you will feel bettter.

Secretiveness sucks.

My health is not all that great right now...the OB checked blood pressure and it was starting to climb. I can't sleep, I can't eat (have lost the weight I gained as of last weeks appointent -about 4lbs) My body seems to go through periods of shaking when I am not cold and I am wheezing at night when I lay down to go to sleep.

If I was to expose in plan B, how would something like that work? would it be advisable to hire a PI to tail him while I am out? I am trying to get in to see the chaplain today to discuss this.

Can you put a humidifer (or an air purifier) in your bedroom at night? Would that help with your wheezing?

Plan your snacks throughout the day. Set a timer and go eat a small snack. (Even if you have to set your phone to remind you.) You need to be healthy for yourself and for your baby. Are you drinking enough water?

I'll let others chime in about exposing while in Plan B. I'm sure more people will be here soon.

That might help with the wheezing. I definitely need to drink more water and just had a glass. I spoke to the chaplain and now feel more confused than ever. He knew about and seemed to have read Dr Harley's works but his philosophy was that I should not necessarily expose at this point because of some very similar concerns to what i had listed last night....(my what-if list) - not sure how to copy that into this post.

He didn't read through my evidence except the first page which is pretty unincriminating. He also seemed to take on a more traditional counseling approach and told me to use I feel statements and to have a discussion with WH again tonight about how I feel.

Which concerns did the chaplain have about exposure? Or was he saying back to you the same things you were saying you had concerns about? What is bothering you? the possibility of punitive action? your husband's anger?


What discussion about your feelings would you have with WH? "I feel as though you are having an affair with trampy LTC?" to which he will respond, "No I'm not and you are crazy". This chaplain's approach will not help and may actually make things worse.

Do the exposure. Expose to the family, friends and call your husband's boss for an appointment and tell her what is going on. You will feel much better knowing that you are being proactive in fighting for your marriage.

Edited to add: The fact that the chaplain only read the first page of your evidence indicates that he is lazy and wanted to get rid of you.

AM

Dr Harley would not agree with this approach. The chaplain has no experience with this. Keep in mind that Dr Harley is experienced in marriage recovery and the chaplain is not. Counseling is of no value with a wayward who is in an active affair.

It sounds like this chaplain, while well meaning, is not at all familiar with affair recovery and most especially, the mindset of a wayward. Telling your wayward husband how you feel will avail nothing.

I agree. He is also completely clueless about affairs like the majority of counsellors.

Like most people thrown in the deep end without any real plan, he turns the situation into a talking shop completely devoid of action.

They also fear doing absolutely anything of use because they are so unsure of themselves.

The chaplain is not an expert and exposing to him is not supposed to become an advice session. If he were an expert/counsellor whose advice you were seeking you would need to be asking him how many marriages he has saved from adultery.

Few, I imagine.

But he is not. He was simply an exposure target who might express disapproval to your H. Religious targets sometimes have an effect on guilty waywards or are motivated tohelp fight the A. This is merely part of Dr H's advice to try and generate as much opposition to the A as possible. Some exposure targets do this, others do not.

However you exposed to him, what he does now is up to him and your task there is done.