Are you going to separate from your H?

Yet in your last you said:
I don't believe you are serious about any of this, BBF, and are just doing this as a check the box exercise. Exposure also means telling the police he is raping you, informing his workplace of his affairs, telling your children. And most importantly, being specific. Glossing over his crimes is THE OPPOSITE OF EXPOSURE, it is to continue to hide.

She is not serious. This is a check the box exercise.

I don't know how many different ways I can say this. He is NOT a danger to my kids. He's not a danger to any kids. I believe this to be true, and if I doubted it, he would be gone. In what I consider to be a reasonable step considering the circumstances, I am asking a professional to confirm this is true with a polygraph. If he is lying, it will be found out. From what I am reading they are very accurate and I am certainly willing to hear opinions on wording of the questions to ask. The examiner I am hoping to use happens to be at a facility that specializes in sex offenders....giving court mandated polygraph tests, and does various psychological testing on sex offenders, so I assume they can also guide me in the best way to ask.

I am asking because he has proven to be a danger one time 20 years ago. That is no small thing, and I certainly want to be sure a professional agrees he is honest about this.

BBF, maybe he has not molested your children, but he has RAPED you on a regular basis. That is why you need to separate.

The polygraph is a needless distraction. You need to be focusing on getting separated NOW.

Pack his bags and ask him to move out today. He should not have access to you or your children until he gets the help he needs. Tell him you won't even consider reconciliation until he receives professional help [on his own] and demonstrates complete recovery over a long period of time.

You should also report his rapes to the police and press charges. Expose his behavior at work and to your children, family and close friends. His workplace needs to know that he is exploiting female subordinates [affairs] and watching porn and masturbating at work.

BBF, make a decision today to stop being an enabler. Make a decision today to get away from him so you can start thinking clearly.

Proven to be a danger one time 20 years ago?

Really? I sure hope he doesnt ask my daughters for sex talk over the internet because he wont like how I respond to it.

If he's having sex chat with kids on the internet then what makes you think he's safe with kids in the house?
And please dont tell me the anser is "Because i FEEL he is safe"

You do know that its not normal for a man to put drugs in a drink and rape his wife regularly, dont you?

He's probably broadcast the rapes on internet, too....like he did in the past

And maybe you can proceed with the polygraph to see if there is more, but you shouldn't allow that to delay separation and exposure. Focus FIRST on separating, exposure, and THEN focus on a polygraph. The polygraph can wait.

Obviously speaking to teens sexually over the internet is wrong. I am upset about this. This supposedly stopped by the time he was 25/26 and so was several years ago. I suppose he felt it was ok bc it was the internet and was just a passing chat and not meeting or anything. He claims he did not seek teens but they were more likely to be interested in sexual talk. He claims he is not sexually attracted to kids or teens.

This is not said as an excuse, but the facts as I know. I can probably verify with the poly by asking about attraction to minors or something. He is not a good person, I agree....he needs to change, I agree. I just don't agree that reporting to police will help anything. He will go to prison which everyone here wants....and we are the ones left to live the mess of life left.

Hi Blackbird-I'm kind of new here and mostly lurk, but I can't get your situation out of my mind.

You keep saying how he is so good with your kids, such a good dad, etc... Please consider that most child molesters ARE great with kids. Many times they are seen as fantastic teachers, coaches, etc... until they are exposed. Quite often their spouses are shocked and surprised when the truth comes out.

But even if he hasn't been inappropriate in any way with your kids, he has drugged and raped you. You are not safe. If you can't bring yourself to commit to a long term separation at this point, please think about what Dr. Harley said about other women he has treated...how a separation of even a week helps them clear their minds and see things from a different angel. Would you be willing to at least try separating for a week?

Lots of people here are very worried about you.

Take care.

Anyone can clearly see the statistics of the justice system and see how good they are at rehabilitation. No one can tell me he will get help bc I turned him in.

BlackBirdfly, based on your posts about how he has had sexual chats with teenagers, his drugging you, raping you, and his massive drinking problem, I believe the issue isn't anymore whether he has actually molested your own children, but rather if you are willing for the foreseeable future to live with someone you really will never know if he is molesting them or not. He is a sex addict and an alcoholic. In his mind there's a checklist: at first, he will try and get sex from you. If that doesn't work, he will try and get it from you against your will. If that doesn't work, he will try and get it from adult women outside the marriage. If that doesn't work, he will try and find it online - if not from adults, then from minors. And if all of that fails, guess who's left? Your own precious children.

I really can understand you not wanting to expose all of this - to get him arrested, turn your life into turmoil, endure the stigma in a small town, and so on and so forth. Change is painful, and this one is *really* painful. But you really have to ask yourself in a quiet and honest moment if you're doing your job as a mother if you let your children live with a man who is willing to do all of this to their mother, and who has shown he has very little, if any, self control over his urges. He is a dangerous man. He may be a good father 90% of the time - he may take them on trips and ask them about their day and buy them gifts for their birthdays, etc. - but when his demons kick in he has not shown to be in control at all. This is a danger everyone here feels you should not expose yourself or your kids to. You have a very real and basic responsibility as a mother to take care of your children. If you refuse to do so, a court may decide to take them from you. Please find the courage to make the changes you need to make so that this doesn't happen.

I am praying for you.

blackbird, you were asked what would you tell your daughter if her husband did these things and you said:


I'm not going to go round and round...either you want help or you don't. You showed up here in 2011 asking for help and nothing happened. You don't want to expose. You don't want to ask WH to move out. You seem to think your children can't be damaged by you staying. When your daughter is older and doesn't come to you for help, don't get upset...she learned that from you.

Good luck to you.

I dont think he would go to prison for raping you because what evidence is there?
If you call the police he will probably just say that you lied.

What has he done that makes you think he will go to prison?

It is not the justice system's job to rehabilitate your husband. That is his job. And forcing him to face the consequences of his crimes is the only way to motivate him to do so. Even so, you have no control over whether or not he decides to change. That is entirely up to him. You are not responsible for his choices.

Do you believe that enabling him and protecting him from the consequences of his crimes helps rehabilitate him in any way? Has that worked for you in the past?

Your protection has only hurt him and enabled him to be a bad man. That is not an act of love.

Don't hurt him any more. Consequences are the best medicine for your husband.

There is evidence in the form of a confession from him to Dr Harley on the radio show. The link to that has been posted here.

Maybe he won't get help, but it might stop more victims from being hurt.

You keep saying "I believe," "I feel," "he told me," etc. These are not facts and this is not the truth. Beliefs and feelings are not your friend right now because it's just too awful to face the truth.

You are defending against facing what's really going on here. You are fighting tooth and nail to believe what you want to believe and minimize the truth.

If he's drugging you, you don't know what he's doing with your kids. He could be drugging them too. Why wouldn't he? He's gotten away with so much for so long. His behavior is incredibly brazen at this point. Whatever he's admitting to, expect to find out ten times more with a poly.

I am so sorry because I can tell you are so ripped up about this that you're like a deer in the headlights, unable to do much of anything but defend your position.

He had to work up to molesting his cousin. That took time and thought. He LIKES messing with helpless people. It turns him on. If he can molest his own unconscious wife, molest a cousin then there's high probability that he has touched his own children while you were passed out on drugs.

So many people are insisting that you take action here precisely because your denial is so strong. If a chorus of people are crying out for you to see things in a new way, don't you think it's worth considering?

Please stop taking what he says as some version of the truth. He is the last person you should expect to get information from. And feelings are of no help to you now in terms of trying to figure out what's real. Your feelings are leading you astray.

Blackbirdfly,

Your H chose to drug you and rape you repeatedly during your marriage. When he made that choice, he also chose the consequences. Please do not take away his right to learn from his mistakes. Please do not hide his reprehensible actions either.

When there is a rapist walking among us and we don't know who he/she is, it puts everyone in the community at risk. What happens when you bring your grandchildren around him? Have you considered this?

Please do as Dr. Harley suggested to expose and separate immediately.