in my last posting, being new i wanted to keep it short... well here's more of the story...the one that has left me in a state of confusion and hurt... my husband and i have been married 5 1/2 years, 2 daughters under the age of 7.... the first year was a great year... after my parents moved out we did okay for the 6 months on our own then that's when the troubles began... (from my feelings and what i saw and felt was happining) i felt he was starting to revert back to his single life and was starting to exclude me and the kids in his life... all the sweetness stopped, the surprises had stopped and the dates had stopped... the next thing i know he would rather go out with his buddies and forget me... yes i'll admit that i have accused him of being unfaithful... he had quit talking to me... those people who said they were my friends had basically lied to me and started causeing troubles for he and i... then my grandmother died and i had a really hard time handleing it for about the 1st 6 months and he wouldn't talk to me or comfort me which really hurt...as time went on we moved into my grandmothers house and things got alittle better... all this time i was a stay at home mom, wife, house keeper,etc... our bills had started getting out of control so i chose to go back to work,i automatically fell into a management postion and it was good... well the more i was at work he got farther from me...later that year i changed jobs and this too was in management, this one the hours required longer and more late night so i wasn't home hardly at all when the rest of the family was and that hurt me as well and the family... i wasn't happy,in the mean time we had gotten on the internet and he started talking to other women on there and he was talking sex and fantasys and such with them it got to the point he wasn't talking to me or treating me like his wife, his computer and friends were more important to him than me and the kids...we went to counceling and that lady we went to blamed me for everything.... i feel that there are 2 in a marriage, so it takes 2 to get into the postion that we got into... meanwhile our financial situation had gotten out of control, so i chose to get another job for 2 weeks i worked 2 jobs and then i dropped the 1st and kept the new one... well it too required some asstranged hours... i finally got my schdual to the same as his that way maybe we could try to mend our family and lives together...that's when i met a really neat guy... nothing ever happened.. yes he flirted with me but i had no interest in him... one day i had come into work and was really upset cause my hub and i had been fighting over bills....at lunch this guy asked if i wanted to go and get a coke and talk... so i went... (being blinded by stress, confusion, hurt and no comforting shoulder at home) i started talking and crying and the next thing i know he hugged me and it went from there... when i realized what was going on it was too late... he had already made a deposit into me and i knew that i had made a big mistake... it only lasted about 5-10 min's...i had to go back to work and work late that night.... i was scared to tell my hub...a week or so later i found out i was pregnant... and it wasn't/couldn't be my hub. he'd been fixed after our youngest was born due to complications i had he didn't want me to go through any more pain, so it had to be the guy from work, well, i started doing alot of thinking and talking with the dr. and deep down i knew that i could die 1/2 way through the preg. or deliver and it have defects... i couldn't bear the thought of my 2 kids having to go through a pregnancy with me and me die on them and leave them without a mother, or to go through with it and have a sibiling that was a defect and no father...cause he would have packed and headed for the hills... so when i was 5-6 weeks i had the preg. terminated... and i know both things that i did were 100% wrong.... i was just wanting to do the best thing for my 2 at the time and that was the answer i felt was right... i had prayed about it and thank goodness... i came out okay with no problems... all the time i hadn't told my hub... some how his evil sister had found out and told him , well i denied it... well then he started to forget and wanted to make up so we restarted our life before easter of this year... well at the end of august we got into a fight and i broke down and told him... the 1st 5 days after i told him were the most special and comforting days i'd had in a long time, he held me and wouldn't let go and he was having intercourse with me ever night... then he said he time to think and i was dropped like a potato... yet he was (and still is) living with me and the kids and having intercours with me and all but he still won't treat me like his wife... i'm still doing everything around the house and working and dealing with the kids...and the guy and i haven't talked in over a year now (since it happened and he gave me money) so the 5-10 min fling is terminated... and i've tried to concentrate on my family... we've even been through dr. harleys his needs her needs seminar... and my hub is still excluding me from some of his life and still won't talk to me... he talks more to his ex-fiance' than me... and i feel threatened and hurt... he sleeps with me but won't talk to me... i'm so confused and hurt i don't know what to do... he's been away at work related school last week and again he just left a few short hours ago for another week... so maybe this is what we need... i don't know...i'm lost! he'll be gone for a week...so i'm going to be a wreck 'til late saturday night...he says he loves me... and he's still here... i don't know if this is good or not... <p>[This message has been edited by painful (edited November 07, 1999).]

painful,<P>Sorry you have gone through so much pain. You are your H are in a very fragile and vulnerable time. Since you two seem to have almost always had problems in your marriage, might be time to visit a marriage counselor. If your H won't go, you should consider individual therapy. There are a lot of issues here.<P>Also, seems like the financial problems you and H have been under for a long, long time are jsut adding more stress to your already fragile relationship. Can you get to a financial counselor, too? They might be able to help with debt consolidation, if you need that, or at least to help you guys figure out how to be under less financial pressure, if that is at all possible.<P>Read as many books as you can on affairs and marital relationships. Like all of us here, you can learn a great deal from this experience.<P>If you are dealing with overwhelming feelings of depression and hopelessness, you might want to see a doc for some anti-depressants.<P>This place is good for moral support. We have all experienced the pain you are enduring. Best of luck...<P>Roll me Away

Painful - RMA has some good advice. I read your post before but didn't quite know what to say.<P>Counselling is definitely a good idea. Even though your indecretion was a long time ago, it's very fresh for your husband. He will need time to sort through this pain and so will you. AND, unless you work together, all the problems that existed that set the scene for the possibility of an affair STILL EXIST.<P>You do need help with this. Read everything you can. Seek help from a professional who is on the side of saving your marriage. And be patient and loving with your husband. He's made his mistakes too in your marriage, but he has got to be terribly hurt right now.<P>Keep working at it. It's a long road, but it CAN get better.<P>RMA's right about the finances, too. The last thing you guys need is to worry about those on top of everything else. Heck, that can put immeasurable pressure on a STRONG marriage!<P><BR>Lori