This.

We've said it to you 1,000 different ways 7 days a week and twice on Sunday. And yet you come up with excuses every time. Are you purposely ignoring wisdom and waiting for someone here to offer you the bad advice you're looking for?

You wrote yesterday that you read Dr. Harley and found clarity in his writing, but that your situation is different. NO, IT IS NOT DIFFERENT! It is the same, and his steps for Plan A and Plan B apply to you just as is does to everyone else.

There are plenty of divorce blogs out there that you can emote on and you will find many kindred spirits there who you can commiserate with. This isn't that place. This forum is for people who want to take constructive time-honored steps towards recovery of marriage and of self.

x2

^


Blind, you should read TD's thread from Page 1 to see what Plan A in a predicament like yours looks like.

Page 1 where? Sorry, I am slow sometimes. Linky?

Here you go.
TranquilDark's Thread

Thanks. Quick question, though - is there a revised or specialized Plan A for divorced couples? I don't know that I can really implement a solid Plan A when I am not in the house. I still think that she has a problem with the whole thing, otherwise she would not ignore me so much or fail to have much eye contact. She is still angry or... something.

Also, what about exposure? I never did do a thorough exposure. I told her family, and they all disowned me like I am Satan - except for her father. I am assuming it is far too late to expose since we are divorced at this point. People like to think in terms of "the law" and finality in these things, but I tend to think in terms of God's law, and as far as I am concerned, she is still having an affair and she is still my wife, though not the say the government sees it.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2663998&page=1


Take your time and pay attention to how TD directs his ineractions with his wife.

Also, pay close attention to how he talks about her here on the forum.

You need to get into the practice of thinking and speaking of her respectfully, and learn how to make respectful requests.

It is rather counterintuitive to attempt to be kind and respectful when somebody is currently plunging a knife into your chest, but if your goal is to win her back, you dang well better learn.

Reading through his thread now. Recognizing a lot of things I did wrong, things I did that exacerbated the whole problem. At that time I was very depressed about being unemployed for so long and unable to provide for my family. On top of that, my wife did not stand by me when I needed her to do that. She busted my balls instead. I couldn't think logically or do anything but react to what was going on, and I could only react negatively.

I am in a far different place today. Interesting, that before my xW filed, she said to me "Maybe we'll be one of those couples who divorces and remarries." I still wonder why she would say something like that.

Let's translate her remark;


"I sure hope I can keep you on a string with false hope so that I can have you meet some of my needs when it is convenient to me, all the while continuing on my affair. Wouldn't that be SWELL?"

You pretty much rolled over on the divorce, which is just another tumbler in the lock of the perfect wayward fantasy.


"Gee, our marriage just didn't work, and I'm much better with my affair partner... but isn't it great that we can just be friends?"

Though, to be clear; this isn't WHO your wife is. This is the effect of the cognitive dissonance that occurs with actions that we know are morally wrong.

Like a shoplifter convincing themselves that they are entitled to steal, or that it does no harm because they are stealing from a large company.

This leads to thought patterns to convince the infidel that their immorality is actually moral.

A lot of the time, once the immoral behavior ends, so does the thought process.


Some times, especially in the case of waywards wives, it does not. But they can still return to the marriage... and have a fantastic marriage at that.

That weight will heavily be on your shoulders, and on your ability to separate the craziness that accompanies the immoral behavior from the person.

I disagree.
I feel this is who she is. She is living her value system.

Who are you disagreeing with?

It might be noted that her brother is divorced also - his wife did what my xW had done to me, and he was way too much of a hard [censored] to do ANYthing to try to salvage his marriage. His xW is remarried to a "happy drunk".

Her uncle is divorced and his kids (her cousins) are screwed up beyond belief. Her female cousin who is her age is cheating on her husband also. The cousin's brother is in prison after robbing a jewelry store, after pulling a stretch for drug charges. Another uncle is a hopeless addict in and out of prison. Her father is probably the most upstanding of the lot, but I have to wonder if there is a genetic component to all this. Makes me fear for my daughters.

On my side - no one has ever been to prison or anything like that.

My statement that people realignt their perspective and not their values/morals when they violate them.

There may be a genetic component.
Dr Harley personally faced this issue because of adultery in his family. He was concerned that he may be prone to cheating and that is why he created extraordinary precautions in his life and marriage.

I hope not. There is also alcoholism in her family (like there isn't a drunk uncle in everyone's). She had started drinking a LOT when the POSOM started spending time with her, too. I know he drinks a LOT of bud light. Blech.

Anyway, I hope the whole 'prone to addictions' gene doesn't dwell in her, regardless of what is going on.

So yeah, read through 75 pages or so, skipped ahead a bit. I thought my situation was bad, jeez. TD, I would not want to deal with all that. The POSOM in my situation is not quite as bad... I don't think? He does have a domestic abuse arrest but I don't know what that involves.

All I know is that I blew it in the beginning. I should have stayed in my house and put my foot down but hey - that was all new to me. I was in such a state of depression and had zero self-worth, I couldn't even stand myself, so I tried escaping the situation rather than dealing with it head-on (which is typically my style). I think that by not dealing with it, she resented me even more and things just went downhill. My buddy advised me to Plan B from the beginning, and that was BAD advice. Having thought about everything, my xW probably would have reacted more favorably had I taken control of the situation like TD did in his situation. I had no job and no money so I felt like I was dead in the water. You all know the story from there.

So then you can still go into Plan A and start from scratch if you want. But you have to follow it tightly. You posted on here a year ago asking for help. It was prescribed but you opted not to follow it.

Now that you have a job and your self confidence is back, perhaps you have the resolve to do it right this time. If so, the changes need to start now.

The things you can do to begin are:

1) Start Paying child support.
2) Avoid any disrespectful judgments when you see or communicate with your WxW. If she baits you with a DJ of her own, swallow your pride and refrain from stabbing back. But don't be wimpy about it either because she will not respect you or admire you if your are. Just say something like, "Can we agree to stop going at each other's throats and work on communicating with civility and mutual respect?"
3) Be pleasant with her. Laugh when you can. Smile genuinely. Let Grace do its work.
4) Dress nicely when she is around. Make yourself look good, healthy, dapper, and confident.
5) Show that you have bounced back and that you have good things going for you. If your project is still on track, share the good news with her.
6) Expect her to not trust you with the change. She will think you are up to something. But let her see over a few weeks or even months that you have really changed. Be steady and patient, and don't expect her to change. If you have that expectation, you will get frustrated and quit.
7) Set a timeline for Plan A. Give it a year or two and then plan to go to Plan B. TD has has shown a remarkable amount of fortitude with his Plan A. You can do it too.

I just want to remind everyone that Dr Harley encouraged this poster to Plan B/ try to move on.
Blindside, I encourage you to email Dr Harley and tell him where you are at and ask what he would suggest.

Thanks for the encouragement. I have been doing most of that. The child support will be taken care of soon. I just needed to get to a point where I had a bit saved for another jobless stretch if that came up. I did NOT want to be unprepared for that. Since my contract is renewing and I should be back to work Tue or Wed, I feel more comfortable paying it now, and I actually CAN, finally. It hasn't been that way for very long.

As for everything else, I think I am doing well. I do need to wash my truck. I try to dress decent, but I have always been a jeans and button-down guy. I guess that's fine. She always looks fantastic, and more so every time I see her. The thoughts I have I cannot repeat here.

As for the project, my engineer called Saturday and talked to me about it, and he was still very encouraging - he loves the idea and wants to see it through to production. We are going to go the VC route rather than try to self-fund, so I need to get on a business plan pronto. VC will allow me to do whatever it takes to get it going. I am telling you, I could seriously make a LOT of money with this thing - FU money, if you know what I mean. Would be nice, but that's not my ultimate goal - I just want to be in the wheelhouse of my ship and not in the engine room, ya know? Always stuck in the engine room.

The past couple days I have been asking her how she feels (she's been sick) and asked if she needs me to watch the girls another night. She took me up on that offer tonight, in fact. She asked how the girls were doing in return. It was a civil exchange. I really have no anger anymore, but it does bother me when she takes her swipes. I just ignore her when she does that.

FIL isn't calling me back, but that is not unheard of. He is not a technophile, and last time he loaned his cellphone to the MIL for couple weeks. I'll try him during the day tomorrow and see if there is anything new he knows about.

I believe he told me to Plan A and I tried to Plan B instead. I was still rather hurt and confused then. Maybe my memory is wrong? There are links early in this thread of that show.