Yes, I would let her know you have told the kids all about her affair and the reasons for the breakup of their family. I would also encourage the kids to ask her any questions. She owes them an explanation.

I would just be as pleasant as possible.

You should be in Plan A until you are in Plan B.

That means that every experience should be pleasant (within reason)...
Try to meet her emotional needs, avoid love busters...while allowing her to face the natural consequences of her affair

Plan A is hard because its hard to submerge the anger and resentment. Be calm, humble, and as pleasant as possible. It's important that your wife see that you have firm boundaries and that you are strong, while at the same time showing the unearthly compassion that will catch her attention. She should know that you are hurt and angry, you just cant direct it at her.
Don't cry; don't beg. But don't pretend like its all hunky dory either.

Plan A is counter intuitive because its only human to think "eye for an eye." But angry outbursts and disrespectful judgments do nothing buy drive away someone who already half way out the door.

Look for opportunities to be kind and thoughtful.

I'm at the point where I can keep my anger under control and be nice to her (I have been for 3 weeks straight so far). And I've started doing nice things again (ie washing her car, helping her wherever i can, pleasantly talking to her more, even giving her massages).

But is it okay for me to let her know that as long as she continues the affair, I will continue the divorce process?
Is that a love buster? (is that considered a selfish demand, "end the affair or I divorce you").

In cases like these, Dr. Harley does recommend that you demand she end the affair. (I will try to find the quote for you.)

From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."

Posted in this article:
What are Plan A and Plan B?

In other words, BH, either she leaves the affair or she leaves the house. This is a reasonable condition, and your wife will have more respect for you for standing up for yourself. Read the link dropped by BlairB.

Okay, I get it. Thank you everyone. I will keep calmly reminding my wife that she needs to end the affair, or we will end up divorced. In the meantime I will try to show her the kind of good husband I want to be.

Sir, like your wife, my wife left the family to carry on her affair too.
I've been in similar shoes, when she comes and goes as she pleases....

divorce is a natural consequence of adultery. In your case, you NEED to divorce while she's in an affair to legally protect your custody of the children.

I would just become a broken record: "I am willing to work with you to create a loving marriage but you must first end your affair"

She responds: "What about your lies and nonsense?"

You respond: "I am willing to work with you to create a loving marriage but you must first end your affair"

She responds: "I hate being married to you."

You respond: "would you like a cup of water?..." and walk away.

just try to get that sentence through her foggy head

I know it's just me whining, but I really feel like giving up.
My feelings of resentment toward my wife grow stronger each day. I'm not even sure if I want to reconcile with her anymore. Plus, if we do reconcile I'll probably end up making all the effort with little coming from her. I fear that even if she does tell me she wants to reconcile, that she hasn't learned anything from this experience and what she has done to our marriage.

She mentioned the other day how fast I've reacted to the affair, by filing for divorce so soon. She said one of her friends divorce took 10 years and another friend has been separated for more than a year. I told her no way I am putting up with the affair that long. 5 months is enough. And it will be 7,8,9 months before the divorce process is over.

Usually when she comes to see the kids, I give her a hug when she leaves. But last night, I just didn't feel like it. Dr Harley said a BS should be careful to not stay in Plan A too long, or risk losing all of whats left in their Love Bank for the WS. I wonder if I am getting to that point.

It might be time for you to go to Plan B. It will save what love you have left for your WW and help you keep your sanity. You might want to read up on the steps to take to prepare for Plan B.

Plan B sounds fine AFTER you have legal custody

Just yesterday you wrote this:


Now you are ready for Plan B? Not so fast. No one said Plan A was easy. It's very hard. Its a bi-atch actually. But if you want to save your marriage you need to stay in it.

Melody Lane suggested earlier that you ask your wife to leave the home. I agree. Having her out of the house will make Plan A easier because she won't be flaunting the affair in your face.

Also, sometimes the best one can do in Plan A is not love bust. I remember many days where a Plan A victory for me was simply avoiding angry outbursts, disrespect judgments, or treating my wife coldly when I saw her. Having her out of the home made this much easier to accomplish. Yet I still found ways to meet some needs and show I still care.

In the end she respected the stick and the carrot of Plan A, but it took a long time. It's a process.

She has left the home, justthe3ofus.
He is raising the kids and she has left to pursue her affair.

At this point I think he should focus on securing his legal custody prior to rocking the boat with plan B

Im not sure if i want to reconcile. Thats what i think i shouod do. But not sure if thats what i really want. So Plan A/B would be moot. I think my wife wants to end our marriage. But she cant face the pain or doesnt have the courage to divorce, especially ending it this way. I think she would rather see our marriage die a slow death through separation, thinking it will be less painful that way. But i think it will be more painful.

Dont focus on her wayward thinking.
Focus on Plan A and getting legal custody

BH,
Let's get focused, buddy.

First of all, your wife is in the fog. Her mind has been kidnapped by aliens in case you haven't noticed. You can get her back from the body snatchers, but you have to follow the plan.

Betrayed spouses can easily get discouraged and let their emotions dictate the outcome of the tragedy. Don't let this happen to you. Be strong and be strategic.

When I was in your position, I also did not want my wife back. My marital covenant and promise to God of for better or worse was the only thing keeping me fighting. After the affair died and the fog lifted (1.5 years later!), my old wife emerged and we began the process of recovery. But the work I had done over that 1.5 years made recovery possible. Feelings follow actions, BH. That means that the things we do (love bank deposits, removal of love busters) will create and manufacture feelings of love. I'm glad I did not let my emotions dictate my actions when I was in Plan A. Had I done that, my family would not be reunited, and my wife and I would not have restored what has been a great marriage for over 20 years.

I am not advocating marriage at all costs. But I am advocating that you try your best in Plan A. If it fails because she chooses not to leave her affair partner, then at least you can sleep at night knowing that you battled with all your heart, might, and soul. In the end, you will come out of this a winner.

And Jedi is right. You also have to take care of the legal aspects of this too. You can fight for custody and a fair settlement at the same time you are trying to Plan A your wife.

So we've been separated about 6 weeks now. My wife's affair is still alive and kicking. Nothing has really changed. She still comes to the house about 4 days a week, to see the kids and makes dinner/or we go out to dinner.
In my heart I still want to save our marriage. But my head is telling me otherwise. In fact my head is telling me to have some self respect for myself. I told her this. What kind of man waits around for his cheating wife for 6 months? Isn't she just going to lose what little respect she has for me.?

Earlier today, I asked it we didn't have 3 young kids, would she have made a definite decision about leaving yet? She wouldn't give a straight answer. So I asked directly if she still loves me? She said she doesn't dislike me, but her love for me is no longer there because of all the crazy stuff that has happened after I found out about the affair.

Does this ever get better. I really feel like giving up now.