My husband and I have been married for 5 years now and overall our relationship is very good. We really enjoy doing things together, have never really had a fight, agree to disagree on some things and until recently everything seemed to be great.

We have had one issue in the last few years in that sex is far more infrequent than I would like (every 6 weeks or so; even less lately). At first he said he was tired all the time and it did turn out that he had sleep apnea so that could certainly be a factor. However, after a year on a cpap he feels better but still isn't interested in sex. I should point out that he is very affectionate; always giving me back rubs and cuddling in bed so I don't feel that he's pushing me away.

This last year he worked a lot, putting in 60+ hour weeks. He had been complaining of fatigue, difficulty focusing, etc. and after seeing the Dr. was scheduled for ADD testing. We are waiting on the results.

The event that really triggered me was Christmas. We had agreed that since we each wanted rather large $250 items that we would wait till after Christmas to purchase them. However, I love giving gifts and bought some smaller items for him... t shirts and a game he wanted. He knew I was doing this and I guess I expected him to do the same for me. Christmas morning came and the three kids and my mother were here and we opened gifts......I had a box of fudge (I'm diabetic) from my mom. None of the kids or my husband gave me anything. I have to say I was really hurt, having spent quite a bit of time and effort searching out the perfect gifts for everyone, which they all really liked.

When I told my husband that night that I felt really hurt, he lied and said he had ordered something that hadn't come. Two weeks later I asked about it and he started crying.....saying he was sorry he hadn't gotten me anything. I know I need to get over this, but the lack of him trying to do something special for me along with not having sex in quite a while is really bothering me that there is something more wrong. He says it's him and he "has issues" and that's all he will say.

Any ideas?

iowagirl, have you read the article here on how Dr. Harley learned to save marriages? I would speculate that there needs to be some time spent together each week to meet each other's intimate emotional needs. It seems like your husband doesn't feel a romantic connection to you. How much time do the two of you spend together alone each week?

One thing I would do is check into the rest of his life. Find out if he has any women friends that he is spending time / communicating with.

Another thing I would do is have his testosterone checked. It may be that he merely has a lower than average sex drive. He might be able to have his testosterone supplemented and that might change things significantly.

Couple of other questions: were either of you previously married? Do the three kids belong to both of you? Was there an active sex life between the two of you at any time in the past, possibly before marriage?

No, don't try to get over it. Don't become demanding, disrespectful, or angry to him about it, but don't get over it. Trying to not need the things you need does not lead to a successful marriage - the plan here, which works, is to build a marriage where both of you are meeting each other's emotional needs. The opposite approach, trying to do without, leads to frustration and marital failure.

So, you communicate with him about what you need, and see what obstacles he sees that might prevent him from meeting your needs.

Two Christmases ago my wife communicated with me that she was disappointed I didn't get her a Christmas card. This year I bought her a card! She wasn't demanding, disrespectful, or angry about it - I learned there was an opportunity here to make my wife happier, saw no obstacles to doing it, and made it happen. If I had seen obstacles, we would have needed to have a respectful conversation about what those were and make a plan to deal with them.

Let us hear what your husband's reaction is to you requesting that he get you presents next year.

Markos, we pretty much spend all our time together when he is not working. He kisses me goodbye each morning when he leaves for work. He gives me a hug when he comes home and sits in the kitchen while I finish up supper, then we sit and eat together and talk. After dinner we might watch a movie, or he will play computer games while I look at pinterest.....our computers are side by side so we talk to each other and comment on each others games/sites, etc. Then we go to bed at the same time and cuddle and talk more. On weekends we go camping/fishing/shopping/work on projects around the house together. Once every few months he might go to his brothers to play computer games with him and that is fine with me; I am glad he and his brothers are so close. He invites me along but I know I will get bored so I don't usually go.

There are no women friends to worry about....he is always at work or with me.

Yes, we both were married before. The three kids are mine and are 22, 20, and 18. Only the youngest lives here and he is not around much. I honestly didn't expect much in the way of gifts from them as they are struggling to make ends meet as it is; although something small and thoughtful would have been nice.

I mean I need to get over feeling angry and hurt so that I don't let it build into something bigger inside me. I have told him that I will be disappointed if he doesn't do something for Valentine's day and my upcoming birthday. He has usually been very thoughtful in the past; actually stopping to get me little things when he travels for work. He did come home yesterday with a bag of almonds for me.....not a big thing but something he knows I really love to snack on and i'm very frugal so I tend not to buy things for myself.

I guess I'm just sort of surprised at how hurt I feel. And also I'm the only one who ever tries to initiate sex. We had a good sex life when we got married, although it was never frequent since we had 3 teens at home at the time. Now its mostly us and he never initiates.....when we cuddle its not sexual. If my hands "wander" he sort of stiffens up like he's uncomfortable. (No, not in the "good way".) When I asked him about that he said "I just have some issues". One day I really tried to talk to him about it and he said I was "too demanding" and "just like his ex wife" in bed. I pressed for more information and he said "it's not fair that you have more orgasms than I do". I didn't know what to say after that.....so a few days later I offered a back rub and a bj. He enjoyed the back rub but seemed to really tense up when I got sexual and to not be enjoying it at all. I'm really confused. Sorry if that was all a bit explicit....

Has he had his T levels checked? Had a complete physical, blood work done?

1. Check out the operation investigate forum and start snooping. Check his computer and cell phone to see what he's doing when he's alone.

Hi Iowagirl,

I don't post often but I read these forums and the radio show everyday.... I have been on here for about 5 years and I found this site when my marriage was failing apart.

We have been married for 27 years and my husband has ADD. We were married for about 10 years with three small kids when we found out. He always knew he was "Different" but didn't know what exactly.

I have faced the exact same things you are describing and I wanted you to know you are not alone. My husband forgot my birthday, our anniversary, kids birthday's, appointments, etc,,,

He is also very affectionate (his number one need) but very low sexually also.

You mentioned that your husband that your husband was tested for ADD but you didn't say what the outcome was. If he does have ADD please, please take this seriously and read everything you can about it and what it means for relationships.

67% of marriages where one or both have ADD end in divorce so you have a little tougher road then most. However, it can be done
with marriage builders. You will just need to understand the subtle differences.

I though for along time that my husband just didn't even like me which couldn't have been further from the truth. I felt like because he forgot my birthday he must not care about me....NOT TRUE. Their brains just work in a different way, not better, not worse just different.

The way the see time is different....it is pretty much "Now and not now" when I explained this to my husband with an example from a book that I read he said YES!!!! how did you know.

If he does have ADD he has had a life of disappointing himself and other people and he knows that but doesn't know how to fix it which will sometimes result in a quick temper and blaming everyone else for things. It is a strong emotional reaction they are having even though it might not show. He feels like he is under tremendous pressure.

Anyway, I urge to read Dr. Hallowell and his wife's books, they are both doctors and he has ADD.

My husband would not participate (openly) with Marriage builders so I did it anyway and over time he ended up following along without realizing he was. It's not the best marriage builders scenario as it would be best if he would agree to participate, but if he doesn't do it anyway. I think it worked so well with my husband because I took a lot of emotion out of our conflicts and replaced it with a practical action which people with ADD respond well to.

I cleaned up my side of the street, Stopped all love busters, figured out what his emotional needs where, POJA's and PORH. I also told him that I wanted a better, happy, romantic marriage that made us both happy and that as long as he was in the house then I would treat our relationship that way and if he left well in spite of that well OK. He never left.

I urge you to read everything you can on ADD and relationships, and then apply marriage builders...it can get better.

best of luck....

me (56)
him (54)
DS (27) (just got out of the army, 82nd airborne)
DD (23)
DD (21)

almost lost a great marriage but then I found marriage builders, Thank you all

GO BRONCOS!!!!!!

Thank you so much for your reply, Gothedistance. I really think that ADD may be the missing link. I didn't state the results because we don't know yet; he sees the Dr. next week to find out. Currently I would say our marriage is pretty solid. We are both very committed to each other and have no desire to be single or find someone else again. (He is my 3rd marriage and I'm his second. I realize that the statistics aren't good; but because of our pasts we know how tough going through divorce is and don't want to repeat it.) We just celebrated our 5 year anniversary and are more in love than ever.......but as you say, some aspects of ADD can make it difficult. I feel better that its an actual physical thing, not that he's an insensitive lout! Which really, he isn't. He's a pretty wonderful guy and appreciates me in spite of (or because of) my own quirks.