What are the questions on the test?

We only fully exposed to his parents and my parents. They are the only ones in that level of need to know. He can stay as long as needed.

Thats a great idea.

Agree. This is a fantastic idea!

BBF, that is not what Dr Harley said. The polygraph has nothing to do with the reasons for the separation. The purpose of the separation is to protect YOU from being sexually assaulted by him in your sleep.

This is why I am opposed to the polygraph, because you are using it to change the subject. You don't need a polygraph to know that you are being sexually assaulted in your sleep and that your husband is not safe to live with.

He obviously won't make a radical and demonstrated change in his lifestyle by Tuesday. You have no evidence that he is a safe person FOR YOU!


I see the real issue being swept under the rug AGAIN. You swept it under the rug in 2011 and today you are doing the same again.

So many questions! Trying to answer everyone...

Top question is "have you ever touched our children for sexual reasons"

Second: have you ever had physical sexual contact with any other woman (more than a hug)

Otherwise, I've asked everything I can think of and I'm satisfied with his answers. He has revealed a whole lot over the past week or so. He still maintains he has physically done no more than hug other women, so am verifying that.

I promise I am not sweeping the issue under the rug. I know despite what his intentions are, he remains a danger to me. That would be the reason for the locked door, which I am simply not going to get any safer than that. Obviously he will also not be mixing me anymore drinks up or anything like that either. He needs professional help to understand what is going on and be safe. I may never want him to sleep in the same bed with me again, I don't know.

I see this is being swept under the rug again... There is absolutely no way she has "solid evidence" he has made a radical change in 4 days.

Dr Harley recommends a year separation to couples that experience physical abuse and will only advocate reconciliation when he has solid evidence the problem is no longer existent.

The polygraph has nothing to do with his sexual assaults on you, BBF, so I am baffled what its outcome has to do with his return. That is not why he was asked to leave in the first place.

And I have to ask you this: have you privately questioned your children to see if he has trifled with them?

You are not safe unless you are separated. The whole point of this exercise is to separate until he provides solid evidence that you are safe. This plan does not provide that at all.

You should lock out of your HOME. Not just your bedroom. This is just another sweep the problem under the rug exercise.

I have not specifically asked about their father, but I regularly remind them they can tell me anything like that, and have asked if anyone has done anything, and we go over the only people who should be touching anywhere private, which as they get older is an incredibly short list.

I do not think he is cured. I believe there is a good chance he cannot be trusted to sleep with me ever. I am not expecting him to go to one appt, be cured, and live happily ever after. I know it is a long road ahead.

Most bedroom lock doors can be opened with a pair of scissors.
My children can open them easily.
They are really for appearance more than anything else.

Blackbirdfly,

How you privately ask your children makes all the difference as to how they respond to you. (For example, if you go into the conversation telling them that you don't think daddy has been touching them, then they won't tell you anything anyway.)

I think dr. Harley himself said sleeping separately was an option when he spoke to him actually. I also sleep a lot more dressed, I'm aware I have to be careful with drinks, and again, will be locking the door. If he was honestly that determined he could force a window, do technically being locked out of the house wouldn't help. However, he is also determined to be safe, and we have talked extensively about every measure we can think of that would be reasonable.

I think you need to get ahold of Dr. Harley directly. I think this situation is way more serious than this forum is equipped to handle. I think it could work out if you would follow Dr Harley's advice, but you have never done that.

Like Dr Harley stated in his post:
We can't help you if you intend on sweeping this under the rug again. Separating from your husband until he has provided solid evidence of change is of the utmost importance. There is no way that can happen in 4 days.

This man has been assaulting you for YEARS. It will take more than 4 days to resolve this issue. And it certainly will not be solved by a polygraph test. That test is a distraction from the main issue just like I have said all along.

It is being used to say "see, he is not so bad! He has not molested my children!" When in fact, he has drugged and sexually assaulted you for years. He has had numerous affairs.

But that is not what Dr Harley advised. Can you please write Dr Harley and handle this directly with him? There is a lot of denial going on here that is more than our ability to handle.

I would never lead them like that. I was abused by my own father, I'm aware it happens. I want them to come to me if anything was even said that made them uncomfortable, from anyone.

We are locking this thread until Dr. Harley has had a chance to respond.

Blackbirdfly:

I will correspond with you and your husband by email from now on to provide advice and encouragement as you face this very difficult situation. As you already know, my position is that you should separate into different houses, you should report what happened to the authorities (police and social services), and your husband should begin a program designed to help people who engage in sexual misconduct. I know for a fact that your husband is very sincere about putting this life behind him, but unless his past behavior is exposed to those who know what to do with it (police and social services), his willingness to change will not lead to an actual change.

Best wishes,
Dr. Harley

BB,

I am so glad you came back. I prayed so hard you would. Please remember that though some posters on here may sound harsh, words typed don"t always come out the same without hearing a person's tone. I believe they just feel an urgency to get you and your children safe.

I hope you take Dr Harley up on his offer as he is offering you a priceless gift. You can always post on here to get feedback on your personal recovery.

I continue to pray for you and your family as you go down this very long painful road, that one day, I pray has a happy outcome, especially for your 2 children, the innocents in all this.