Blackbirdfly,

Thank you for answering me last night. I was typing back a response about how it is a fantastic suggestion to talk directly to Dr. Harley when your thread was locked. He is the best person to help you with this! You can get through this. You're not alone. I will pray for you and your family also.

You've gotten some really great advice. I just want to add that the wording on the question needs to be changed from "touched sexually" to "interacted in a sexual way".

As I said before, there are many types of sexual abuse that don't involve touching. As long as you're going to all the expense of a poly, the question should be as broad as possible.

I would also change the wording from "our children" to what you had earlier suggested about "any minors since our marriage". You should be concerned about anyone he may have harmed, not just the ones under your roof.

This whole mess is a problem for the authorities.

As Dr Harley says it is imperative that you report what you know to the legal authorities.

I am so pleased he feels your husband is sincere in wishing to change. He is very experienced in that field and has helped people turn their life around. I know he has achieved extraordinary successes. You should take heart from that assessment.

However you really will not help him by encouraging any ducking out from legal consequences. He must make things right re his cousin and the underage girls he targeted online.

You cannot start this new step by being someone who will not hold him accountable.

I did email with dr. Harley....I appreciate everyone's advice.....it is difficult for me because I don't see the person that everyone else sees.

Starting something legal is huge....He is begging me not to. And he is entering therapy. I am not making excuses, just thinking out loud. I feel like I am holding his life in my hands and all I want is a normal life with him. I imagine the therapist will agree with dr. Harley....

And dr. Harley is wrong.....he always says infidelity is the worst thing you can go through, but it isn't. This is.

Anyway, I wanted to say I did contact him, and I am trying to follow his advice and I will keep you all posted. Poly is tomorrow....which dr. Harley does approve of.

I'm glad that you came back and especially so because you are in direct contact with Dr. Harley.

Keep opening your eyes.

LTL

Tomorrow you will finally be able to do the right thing. I think you are in an overload of emotions. Everyone is different and maybe you need this in order to know which path is the correct one to follow.

I do believe you will do the best thing for your children and yourself once you are positive of what the truth is. There are many on this forum that would not need a poly, as they could not live with someone who did what your H did and would already be done.

I'm so glad you are communicating with Dr. Harley. Good for you!

Continued Prayers!!

BBF,

I am so glad to hear that you are staying in contact with Dr. Harley!

Blackbird,
I do realize I've been a tad harsh in my responses. Please know they were not intended to be brash or rude. I have a personal heart for what you're going through. To have direct advise from Dr. Harley is a real blessing! However extreme it may sound, please listen. I wholeheartedly agree with it. In order for your husband to make a full recovery from what he has done, he HAS TO take responsibility for it. It will prove to him the severity of his actions and prove to you the sincerity of his remorse.

Today is going to be a long and extremely stressful day for you regardless of the outcome. I understand the need for the polygraph and I am very glad you're going through with it.

Please know that my heart goes out to you and your children. I will be thinking of you and praying hard for you today.

What he tends to mean is that it is the deceit and poisoned, hidden life within the marriage which makes for such pain.



I can appreciate how afraid both of you must be.

What I will say is that I have in the past been afraid of following Dr H's no-nonsense advice. I had the choice to either take Dr H's strong medicine or go down the easy, fluffy route.

Each time I have tried to skip the hard stuff, it's meant personal disaster for me and more pain than the pain I feared.

I've learned to listen to him and it is never as scary a leap as it seems. Talk to Dr H, he will have an insight based on logic and will steer you away from emotions like fear.

The notion of being trapped by your own emotions as Dr Harley mentioned is so real. I've had this experience myself.

From reading your thread, I am noting a pattern I've seen in myself under different circumstances. There is the not knowing, then knowing and either husbands rationalization tricking you...or yourself imagining all kinds of scenarios about what will happen if you take the advice given here as though you/we have total control of the future...

So really this is all about letting go.

You are assuming the new life that is likely to happen due to exposure/separation will be dismal. But really you do not know this to be true. Dr Harley has suggested you take one week off to help begin to 'clear' your head. That's your first baby step and possibly a little window to a better future.

Another possible thinking error from your prolonged abuse...

That a two year old has not been harmed based on your evaluation of outward appearances such as FB posts in this relatives now adult years.
Exposure may make all the difference in her adult relationships and to her children too.

For one, look at yourselves, you were both harmed as children.

And now the biggest pattern I am seeing or objectively noting...

YOU are that two year old today. Your husband and yourself are both saying everything is OK as long as the person is 'not aware' in some fashion via age, medication, lack of consciousness. Its OK to sexually assault as long as the person is lacking the information/intelligence/cognitive awareness at the moment as w/age/sleep/drugs/lies/placement on the internet. Your husbands targets have changed but its all the same and that is why he is dangerous yet in this immediate timeframe.

Your husband in these 'moments' sees you and other women/girls as one-dimensional objects. You are asking us to see HIM as you do in a three-dimensional framework. Objectively, we are about safety and are not in the same emotional trap. We can reflect back to you how he is seeing you in these 'moments' We are showing you how unsafe it is for a human being--YOU-- to be exploited/preyed upon. And this process he is using extends beyond you as well. You are not containing it. It has a life of its own and its soul robbing. Your husband has helped you see yourself one-dimensionally too.

And about your insomnia...

This falling asleep and later waking up sounds like stress related insomnia. There may be a message in there for you about being aware on some level that you are NOt safe in your sleep. Or it could be from the half life of the drugs you unknowingly being given. you might want to check w/your doctor about your sleep issues.

BBF,

How did the polygraph session go?

Recent posts speculating about this poster have been removed. Dr. Harley is in contact with Blackbirdfly so let's not make assumptions.

I can only imagine. He went to the test, he took the test, he passed the test.

I am so very relieved. I just knew he wasn't lying about that, and so happy I verified. I'm thrilled he was so willing to do it, it means a lot to me. It was a very emotional day and I just needed to process everything for awhile on my own.

Does DR. Harley know this?

What did Dr. Harley say?

He does....

I don't think he mentioned the poly. I think he was saying I'm being unreasonable in a nice way.....and that we shouldn't sleep together for awhile. Or for the foreseeable future was his exact wording I believe.

Can you post his email here?

I had said I don't think he is really a sexual deviant...bc the poly went well. Admittedly I have not actually looked up the definition. And I don't know that he would admit he is either at this point. I don't know, I need to read up on this all. And I do agree we will not be sleeping together.



Your husband would admit to you that he is sexually deviant as defined by most people who are professional sex therapists. His problem is that he acts on deviant thoughts and that makes him dangerous. The fact that he drugged you makes him a risk to your health, to say nothing about what he did to you after you were drugged. When I work with the spouses of sex offenders, I often find myself trying to talk them into doing something that, for most people, seems obvious, but for them seems extreme. We�ll try to help you through this, but I would not sleep with him for the foreseeable future.

Are you planning to expose to the authorities as Dr. Harley suggested?

No, I'm satisfied with the poly that I don't need to. He still is going to do therapy.

I would tell the authorities, picking and choosing does not help you at all. What questions were asked on the poly?