Hi we are a married couple and new to Marriage Builders but have found so far it has been a great resource and wanted to post here for some insight since we don't have much of a support group in our lives.

I am 33 and my husband is 37, we married nov 2013, so have only been married a little over two months. We are very compatible and it seemed like we fit together right away. We married quickly but we had lots of discussion about what we wanted out of marriage and things we wanted and did not want and had somewhat of a POJA in place. After getting married I stuck to my side of the POJA but he started pushing the boundaries.

It started with him conversating a lot on FB. We had a rule that we would not keep in touch with past people we messed with. He did. Mostly they sought him out, but he started maintaining communication. He was also reaching out to other girls that were "his type" and starting little friendships with them. Nothing flirty, very innocent. There was an incident where he messaged a girl who is in a group we are involved with (not online in real life) and was flirting with her and told her "don't make me get a divorce". Next he lied about where he was going and went over to an x f-buddy/friend's house to help her. He lied, I only found out because of FB and life 360. I kinda lost it and went over there and totally acted crazy. We again revisited our POJA and I told him I can not be in a relationship/marriage with you if you a.)maintain contact with people u were involved with and b.)start up new friendships with other women. No more than a few days later I found email correspondences from a woman on a sex site who was married but looking to have "fun" outside of her marriage. The emails were innocent not sexual at all but I lost it, we got into a fight and I reasserted the POJA. I told him loud and clear I was not going to stay around if he couldn't follow basic guidelines. Next morning I wake up and find out that no more than 20 minutes after our fight he went online and gave her his phone number. Again we got into a huge fight. I wrote down my rules again and made him promise.

He thinks he is doing nothing wrong, that the correspondences are innocent, but to me they are a violation. Why does he feel the need to go outside of our marriage and talk to other girls. I am so confused and hurt and exhausted I just don't know if I can do this. Please Help

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Have you seen these articles?
Are "friends" a threat to your marriage?
The risk of opposite-sex friends in marriage

It sounds like Mr. Wf is choosing to have poor boundaries, and he lies to you about it. Are you familiar with EP's (Extraordinary Precautions)?

What are Extraordinary Precautions?
The Policy of Radical Honesty

Welcome to MB. Sounds like your husband has yet to give up his single lifestyle as there are many benefits for him. At least you have found out early into your marriage. I would suggest a strong third party intervention ---call MB coaching and talk with Steve. He can help you get your husband to speak with him. He is good at helping reluctant spouses see the benefits of setting marital boundaries over maintaining single no boundary lifestyle that only benefits one. The money for this counsel will be well spent. If even this $ is hard to come by, email the address for the radio show and get a response from the Harley's, Joyce and Dr W Harley. Also get copies of their books to build a a positive foundation.

Your H has no boundaries around women.

He needs to stop all avenues that has allowed his affairs. Will he cut out all social media?

Will he do what it takes to care for his marriage?

When you say you fight are you having AOs?

Welcome!

Some questions:
Is this the first marriage for both of you?
Did you live together before marriage?
Do either of you have children?

what is an OA?

thank you all so much for all your advice
yes this is the first marriage for both of us
we did live together for a little while before marriage
he has a daughter from a previous 10 yr relationship she is 8

I think I am going to call the guy u reccomended for help. Things have gotten better and gotten worse. This is my last straw. I can not take it anymore.

It's an Angry Outburst. One of the Love Busters.
Angry Outbursts

If you give us some details about what is going on, we can try to help you.

How long did you know/date one another before the wedding?


Obviously those discussions didn't mean much to your WH. By marrying quickly, you may have missed a lot of or perhaps you just wanted to be married. What was the rush?

Personally, I would walk away from this. Recovery is EXTREMELY hard and this marriage sounds like a bad mistake from what you have shared.

He sounds like a bit of a freeloader to me, unfortunately. You will have to get a LOT of extraordinary precautions in place to ensure he stops his bad behavior, which might have become a bit of a habit by now. As he has also been lying to you, you will have to be able to verify everything he says and does.