I discovered my husband was having an emotional affair with a co-worker six months ago. This was and is still devastating. The initial fog he was in was very difficult. I wanted him to end the affair and stop all contact with her but he was very ambivalent. He discontinued the inappropriate sexual texting and messaging as far as I could tell but continued to have daily contact with her since they work together.

He shared his choice to work on our marriage two weeks after discovery and we began marriage counseling. Knowing that he would still be working with her, I asked him to stop all contact with her. He refused claiming they were still friends. This told me he was still in the fog.

It's six months later now and we've continued counseling. His ambivalence seems to have disappeared, we've identified each others most important emotional needs and have been focusing on meeting them. Communication is improving for both of us, he seems more connected to our relationship and is reporting (trusting that he is...) any conversations he has with her. He still sees her every day and it kills me. He has still never told her to stop contacting him in a personal way only that we were working on our marriage. The fact that he is unwilling/unable to do this makes me very insecure.

He recently expressed his interest in looking for a new job. I thought this was a positive move in the correct direction but wondered what may have sparked this decision. He said he thought it would be better for our relationship healing. A few days later I felt uneasy. I've learned to trust the gut feelings. I asked him if he was still communicating with her via Craigslist personals. He said no but shared that he had last done so in December. I couldn't believe it. I had been trying so hard to work on us. Meanwhile in my eyes he was merely pretending.

He was very apologetic and when I asked him what he was going to do he answered "avoid her". FINALLY!! It's been two weeks and from his reports he seems to be avoiding her. He even worked from home yesterday to avoid contact with her. She had been on vacation for a week and he figured she would want to chit chat about it. I asked him why he couldn't just avoid it and he got frustrated with me. I find it odd and disconcerting that he can't. Why is he running away and avoiding instead of confronting the problem?

My problem now is that my trust has been so broken I'm struggling to believe that his true intentions to work on our relationship this time and legitimate or if I'm wasting my time. I want my marriage but I also want to feel secure. I want the extraordinary precautions in place and for him to be frank with her that she needs to stop pursuing him. I never exposed his affair at the office in fear of him losing his job. I also never exposed it to her significant other because they aren't married and I know she's unhappy in her relationship. I feel like this was a costly mistake now.

I'm unsure what my next move should be....

Softy,

What you describe is torture.

End it by properly exposing this affair to the workplace, and the other womans significant other.

BTW the reason OW is unhappy with her significant other is because OW is cheating on him, not the other way around.

Given the time spent together it is very very unlikely this was only an emotional affair. Get a polygraph for your WH and an STD test for yourself.

God Bless
Gamma

The problem is that your marriage will NEVER EVER recover as long as he has contact with the OW. That is like the "recovering alcoholic" changing the name of his drinks to "business drinks" and pretending to sober up. It will never happen.

I would demand that he leave that job right away. If he won't leave right away, you should expose the affair the proper authorities in his workplace.

The other problem is that you have enabled the affair by keeping it a secret. So you have acted against your own best interest. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping it a secret, keeps the fantasy alive.

If you are serious about recovery, then you will need to expose the affair to everyone. And demand that he leave the job right away. I would give him 30 days and then go straight into Human Resources and expose it.

Listen to Melody, she is a veteran MBer who has helped save many marriages. Without workplace exposure there will never be a true recovery. An affair is usually an addiction, and as long as he still gets his "fix" by seeing her at work I don't see this ending anytime soon.

Dr Bill Harley is a clinical psychologist and the founder of Marriage Builders. He has specialized in infidelity for 40 years and saved thousands of marriages. Almost every person here who is in a recovered marriage attributes it to exposure. It is your most powerful weapon in saving your marriage.. Here are some of Dr Harleys quotes.



From Dr Harley's book, Surviving an Affair - pg 71,

"While I unhesitatingly recommend exposing the affair to friends, family, clergy, children and the lover's spouse, I'm not so quick to suggest exposing it to an employer. That's because such exposure could have unintended legal and economic consequences. For example, the affair might constitute grounds for a sexual harassment claim by the unfaithful spouse's lover. Or it might trigger the outright firing of the spouse, making it far more difficult for them to find another job. So in those cases I usually advise the betrayed spouse to warn the unfaithful spouse he or she will expose the affair to the employer in a month if the unfaithful spouse is still working there, giving him or her time to make a graceful exit from the job to another. Even if a new job cannot be found in a month, I recommend waiting no longer to inform the employer, unless the unfaithful spouse has already resigned."

Hi Softy;

I am so sorry for your situation.

I see so many similarities with my story. My fWH (formerly wayward husband) thought he could have "just business contact" with his OW, just like yours. He vowed to have no personal contact, while he still worked there, until he could get a transfer. He sent the OW a letter, stating they would keep it business only, to which she agreed. So I did not do a full work exposure. And he gave me daily reports of any contact they had had. And, his transfer kept getting mysteriously delayed...

Problem is, neither of us realized the power of the addiction to the A. He literally lasted five minutes, once he was back at work with the OW. And what followed was 5 months of FR (false recovery), as the A went underground. Waywards really get off on the thrill of this secrecy! D-Day 2 was the even more painful to me, as I learned that my WH had been lying to my face many times a day, every day.

I tell you my story, Softy, because I do not want you to take the same path. Follow Melody Lane's advice exactly. Oh, how I wish I had!

You can do this.

Hi softy, I see you posting on another thread. Do you have an update? Did you do a workplace exposure?

The EA hasn't ended if they are still working at the same company. It doesn't matter if he reports every contact with you, he gets a "hit" every time he sees or talks to her. This is the equivolent of heroin addict letting you know every time he gets high. The problem is still there. He is still an active addict.

No! You are in no position to limit snooping. He is still working with her.

The anxiety will not go away until he has another job and the 2 of you have finally started recovery OR until you are in Plan B because he refuses to do so.

Thank you all for your information and advice. It's so comforting to have so many on your side. I'm happy to report that since the re-discovery in January H has made a huge changes.

He is still at the workplace but continues to report any interactions. I know this is against all of your opinions. I continue to snoop but have found nothing bothersome or suspicious. Prior, I was still seeing emoticons on emails and an occasional text that seemed more personal than business.

He seems to go out of his way to stay in constant contact with me. He's accountable, extremely affectionate, he plans date nights, he stops by my office occasionally just to say hi, give me a hug or to bring be a rose. He asks if I'm ok and listens with attention. He didn't do this before. Almost seemed as though he didn't want to know what I was feeing in regard to the EA. It felt like he protected OW feelings and just blamed me. He seemed to be deep in the fog for so long.

He has read LB, HNHN and HWSW and is on board with the plan now. He is still on the path of another job and we are researching other states for a move.

I know I'm still in the weeds and have a long way to go but for the last three months it's like the man I married is back.

You are so hopeful for a reconciliation, that you don't see or accept that they are still in daily contact and probably in a FR, False Recovery.

You need to have him take a polygraph test for your own emotional health and for the truth, plus he needs to get out of that job NOW!!!

Plus, increase your snooping instead. They are communicating some way. You have not caught onto yet, in my opinion.

LTL

Prisca,

We must have been posting at the same time.

No, I didn't do a workplace exposure because of the drastic positive changes I saw in his behavior. I guess I thought it would ruin the positive and bring negativity into light again.

Your point about the addict makes sense. From his reports it seems as though she does 98% of the contacting. This is going on the assumption that he is being completely open and honest with me and not omitting any details. I want to trust him but I don't yet. I'll have to give this much more thought.

You're correct, limiting snooping would be a bad idea. I'll have to figure out a way to do it without making myself crazy.

He is actively updating certifications and looking for another job but the market is tough. We live in CA and it's expensive so unfortunately we aren't in any position to have him just quit. I already work a side job so he needs a comparable or better salary.

Congratulations on your new baby!

It doesn't matter who initiates contact. The result is the same.
The EA will continue as long as they work together.
You have started another false recovery

It has nothing to do with our "opinions," it has to do with reality. And Dr Harley states this reality all the time: recovery is impossible unless ALL contact between the affairees end. That is REALITY. Not an "opinion."

Your situation is hopeless as long as they continue to work together. You are facing a future of onagain, off again affairs. So sorry.



He is not on board at all. That is an illusion. He has not even taken the first step and you are headed to divorce.

Softy, you should understand the affair is NOT OVER. All that has changed is that your husband now calls his affair "business contact." That is like an alcoholic continuing to go to the bar but changing the name of his drinks to "business drinks" and proclaiming his sobriety. He is just as drunk as he was before.

Your husband's affair is NOT over, dear.

Softy,

I became aware of your posts back in February when my wife Catwhit showed me your post. I was amazed at the similarity in our situations. I am your husband in a different body!!
Now let me tell you how I managed to dupe one of the smartest women I know, my wife.
I managed to convince her that I was only having business contacts with the OW (we too were in the same office different floors). I kept in regular contact with my BS all day, whenever I travelled, we Facetimed or Skyped. But during the time I wasn't contacting my wife, I was contacting the OW twice as much, sent her flowers weekly, arranged early dinners while I apparently worked.
I was so addicted I didn't know right from wrong, any slight justification satisfied my deceit.
Any one who knows me would tell you its impossible that I would behave that way. I am one of the strongest willed people I know, but I could not break the spell. I knew it was wrong and lied for another 5 months before I slipped up.
We had even moved countries, my last meeting with OW was such a disaster I left our "last night together" after a big fight. I thought thats it, now I don't need anymore contact, finally the spell is broken.
But after just 2 days away, she contacted me and it was as bad as ever, I wanted to find a way to get back to her. Now we are talking about an emotional affair, with only one night you could even call physical, yet after 10 months I was still so addicted to the OW I didn't know or want to know how to stop.
Finally my BS looked deeper into my texts, emails etc and found what I thought was hidden for ever.
Now I can finally say I'm not in the fog, not addicted any longer. But I know that if I did see the OW, it would not be so simple.
Even after I was away from it all, we went to almost total exposure (we couldn't find her parents contacts) HR departments were told, even though I didn't work in the same office.
Knowing they knew about it would have seriously limited any possible contacts.

Maybe your husband is the only saint on this forum. If so you're lucky, he's the first here!

Listen to the veteran posters, they know what needs to be done!!
Good luck

Melody told you what would happen after your first post back in Feb. She told you the affair would continue and that you would need to expose the affair to the workplace.

You need to set aside your own ideas about how to recover a marriage after an affair and listen to Dr Harley. He REALLY does know what he is talking about. He has been doing this for DECADES. He would have told you to expose this a LONG time ago and demand your WH leave the job. And if you didn't do these things, that the affair would continue, just as Melody did.

And you won't find anything because he knows you are watching him.

Plus, he can just communicate with OW at work.

Sounds exactly like my exWH during his affair. He held my hand while we were on our date night and asked if I wanted to listen to our MB lesson CD. Completely different from affair #1.

Why? Because he didn't want me to suspect anything and he knew his past behavior made me suspicious.

Softy, there is a reason that Dr Harley doesn't tell folks not to worry about NC or exposure if the WS is being "nice" enough, etc. Because it doesn't matter.

WS working with OP = affair continues. It really is THAT simple.

And I am very sorry to tell you that I do NOT believe for one second that this is only an EA after one year of ongoing workplace affair. It is a PA.

Sorry

Hi Softy-It was my thread that you posted on and I replied today over on that thread. Then I saw that you have your own. I posted this in my reply on the other thread, but thought I should put it here too:

Also, Softy, one more thought on your H...you mentioned him being an IT Manager and that OW needs help from him when she breaks things. If he's serious about NC at work until he finds another job, as the IT Manager, could he not have someone else on his staff help her with her technology issues? I don't know the structure of his IT Department, but if he's a manager, I assume he has direct reports and if he really didn't want contact with her, he could have one of them take care of her problems. I'm concerned that they're both using his role as an excuse for more contact.