Hello all. I have just starting posting here and I thank you all for all of your help. I found out Mon. that the W was having an affair. Unfortunatlely it was with one of my good friends whom I have to work with everyday. I have forgiven her, she has left him and we are on our way to fixing our marriage, Plan A, headstrong. She is still in a bit of withdrawl, but not too bad. I was just wondering how to cope with all of these damn feelings and images that keep popping into my head. I will talk with the W sometimes and somehow we will get on the subject of sex or whatever. I found out yesterday that OM was the best man, sex wise, she has been with (ouch). She says with me its different, the feelings are there with me. I understand this, but it just hurts. Sometimes we will get into to talking about positions. I found out last night that they did things together that we have never done (ouch, again). Everyday I must see OM, and everytime I see him, there go the images, the pain, hurt, betrayal. It's making it very hard to work, and I can't quit because we need the income. I know my W loves me, and I want to help her through her pain, especially this withdrawl. I have been there for her, comforted her, talked to her about it, etc. She is also trying to be there for me, but there is not much she can say or do that helps, besides "I'm sorry, and I love you". So from all of the betrayed out there, any suggestions? I am going to counseling already, which is helping a little. I don't think it is bad enough for me to go on medication (besides I have issues with taking medication). I guess I am afraid that the only answer is "It just takes time", which I know is true, but what do I do in the meantime? How do I get the pain to subside? How do I get the images out of my head? Any suggestions? Thanks.

Yes the answer is it will take time, the images will fade. Telling you to try not to think of them is an impossible task because a lot of times they will just pop into your head without any warning. I just tried to pop them back out not dwell on them. Let them pop then imediately think of something else something good or I got busy doing other things. Instead of taling maybe you should be trying. I know I went through a phase of trying to make sure that if my H had images like I had I wanted me to be in them not her so we did a lot of things they did. I don't know if it did anygood but I felt a little better as it proved to me I could do the things he wanted. But again it will take time. Sorry. But at least you know it will get better and the fact that your W wants to make it work will make it easier.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

KLS -- I am afraid that SDS is right. The only thing that will really help is time. Kepping those images out of your mind can be extremely hard, but they do subside with time. Keep coming here, and posting when you need. Sometimes the best medicine for this is to turn to those who really do understand and wil not judge you for your feelings. Good Luck.<P>God Bless

KLS <BR>I know what you mean about images. I found out 3 days ago that my H had an affair this summer. I don't think I'll ever be able to recover enough to start having sex again. All I can think about is did he do this with her. Was she better at it then me. When I asked my husband if he compared the two of us he said it was totally different. That he never compared us. Atleast you have reached the stage to start in that direction. Maybe if you asked her how he was better than strive to be even better at what he did it would help.

KLS<P>Believe you me, this is not what you want to hear. I didn't want to hear it, but it was the best advice I heard.<BR>It is a choice whether to think about it or not. Try to think of some good times and when you feel those thoughts coming quickly think of those good things.<BR>Do not compare yourself to the OP. I did that, she was thinner, longer hair, bigger boobs, (Groass) .. But she had her 2 kids c section and I had my 3 naturally ... If you get the hidden meaning here. Oh how it hurt, but I had to choose to stop doing that to myself. My H and I have had talks and have opened the lines of sexual communication like never before. Don't be afraid to do new things, don't let images of them ruin your sex life! I know all this is easier said than done, but it is a choice. That was the hardest thing to sink in my head. Yes, it does get somewhat easier with time, but it doesn't go away! <BR>I know you can't leave your job, but I would consider looking for another one. MY h still works with one of his OW, I have to see her. But I always make sure I am looking great and confident and we are loving in front of her and I gleem knowing I kept him, she couldn't. So I must have something she didn't right?<BR>Take care! By the way .. I am only about 1 and a half months in recovery after finding out about 2 affairs! I am not down playing your feelings at all, they are real and normal, but don't let them conrol you .. You control them.<BR>M<P>------------------<BR>Mater<P>

KLS,<BR>Sounds like you are asking questions that will only hurt. Details will only make it more vived in your mind. You should be asking questions of how you and your wife can move on with each other. You don't want to do the same things they did, or the same way, you want to make new memories. If she wanted what she had with him, she would still be with him. If I put as much purfume on as the OW wore, I would remind my H of her. Why do I want to do that? He says that he only thinks of the OW when I bring her up.<BR>It's better that you work with the OM, then if she did....... At least you can look at him and say, "she's wtih me!!!!" "I'm her choice." "I'm the Man."<BR>It's good that you are going to counselling, but better if you go together. You should do EVERYTHING together from now on. I even ride along when my H runs up to the store, that way I'm not at home with needless thoughts running through my brain.<BR>It is hard to relpace bad thoughts with good ones untill you make some. That is where you should put your energy.<BR>We have been in recovery for 20 mo. and my H's affair lasted for 3 years. Believe that TIME does make a difference. We have a new marriage, we have new deep feelings for each other just because of the fact that we worked so hard to get passed this Bad Brain Period of his.<BR>Well, this is just a few ideas, I'm sure when you get over this initial shock, you will come up with alot on your own, your wife will help too, comunicate, talk about NOW. <BR>Almost <P>--------<BR>TIME

KLS,<P>You are at the very beginning of a difficult process, and I remember those first days as hellacious (sp). The images do become fewer and less vivid in the weeks after. <P>I asked my GP to prescribe anti-anxiety meds because i was having obsessive, circular thinking and panic attacks. I took them for two months after his confession and don't need them at all anymore.<P>I am also on an anti-depressant, which has helped me have deeper sleep without nightmares where I murder the OW.<P>You should also realize that if you ask questions, BE SURE YOU WANT TO HEAR THE HONEST ANSWER (sorry I yelled, but this has been my hardest lesson to learn)...see my other post as Liz Smith addressed to betrayers...<P>gotta go, I'll check on you later in the week<P>His Pearl of Great Price<P>formerly, <P>Liz Smith (Lizzie Smith took an ax and gave the OW ...well, you get the picture...no more bitterness, I'm now His Pearl)<P>------------------<BR><BR>"I have found the Pearl of Great Price"<BR>

KLS,<P>You have gotten a lot of good advice here. My problem is that I continue to dream and have nightmares about my H and the OW - some of them sexual and some of them where they are together in-love. I read somewhere this week, that when these thoughts pop into your head you say aloud "STOP!" and then put a picture of a big, red stop sing in your mind. Thursday night, I had nightmare after nightmare about H and OW, and finally I did this and was able to go back to sleep.<P>Time does help, too. I am able now to think of them and not burst into tears or feel as though I am falling into the abbyss. I still love my H and hope he could find his way back to me. Whether he does or not, these events are a part of history and we all have to find ways to live with them- hopefully in the backburners and not the front burners of our minds.<P>Wishing you the best...<BR> <BR>Roll Me Away