I've been lurking on this board for a long time, reading a good majority of the posts. I haven't yet registered or posted because they all seem old, but I saw some recent activity on one post and thought it's time I put my story out there.

I've been with my husband for almost 10 years. We met in college and have been together ever since. We have only been married for 1 year and have an almost 5yo son. Through the years my husband has cheated alot, and I cheated once myself. We've had our fair share of ups and downs but when we got married decided it was time to focus on us, cut everyone else out and really make this work. Everything was going good with that, until my husband received an email about a month into our marriage.

In college there was this girl that was always taunting me and my husband always denied messing around with her. He said they were just friends. I knew she had slept with almost all my friends boyfriends and was known for being a homewrecker even in her old home town. I had even contacted her back in college asking if she had messed with him and her only response was "ask your man"

I almost forgot about her...we graduated, moved on with our lives, had our son, and so many other things were going on. Now here she was emailing my husband telling him that she had just had a baby and had tested the man she hoped was the father but he wasn't so my husband was the father. 8 years later I didn't think this girl even existed anymore and here she was telling my husband she had their daughter.

I found out later that through the years she would call him for sex anytime she was in between relationships. He used her for the sex and she claims she never wanted to be with him. Their last encounter he told her he had to end it but continued to contact her to ask advice on how to make things work with me (I've heard her say this too so I know it's true). She was pregnant while he was calling her, but she didn't say anything to him until 5 months later. When she was 5 months pregnant she told him that she was pregnant and it could be his or someone elses. He told her he was disgusted, was upset she waited until past the point an abortion was possible to even say anything, and wanted nothing to do with the situation. He didn't hear anything from her (until d-day) and didn't say anything to me until she contacted him again. In her email she said she didn't expect him to be involved but she was reaching out to give him the option be in the child's life he wanted.

She got mad that he wouldn't respond to talk to her about OC other than he was not going to be involved, so she filed for child support. We went to court and now pay her $400 a month (after a DNA test was done of course). We have chosen no contact because there is no possible way OW or OC can be in our lives and it be a normal situation for any of us.

My MIL has known about the whole situation before even I did (my husband confided in her when he first found out). He has asked her to not contact the OW because of the problems it will cause especially with our decision to have NC. She has complied so far but just sent him a text asking for permission to contact her and basically saying she will not stand by anymore and wants a relationship with her grandchild.

I feel hurt that she would even do this. She understands the delicate situation, and even has children she gave up for adoption that she has no contact with herself. But for her guilt she feels the need to have a relationship with OC for what reason. She also lives 7 hours away, so it's not even like she can visit with OC often.

I'm just venting...it feels good to get all this out. Has anyone elses in laws had C with OC while your family has chosen NC? how does that even work?

by the way, my husband has told my MIL that he is now dead to her and not to contact any of us. She just texted me, but I haven't responded.

Lilbit,

So much going on, and OCs complicate matters even more so! Every solution to an OC situation has a painful downside.

Unfortunately the OC is your MILs grandchild in a very real biological sense, and the OCs potentially difficult life may make her feel even more of a need to help out. Your Hs family is OCs family, this is something I feel as an OC myself.

Can you at least get your MIL to avoid carrying any kind of information back and forth?

Through the years my husband has cheated alot, and I cheated once myself.

Has your affair and your Hs affairs been exposed, or just swept under the rug?

God Bless
Gamma

My MIL is the type that will now post pictures of OC and make it known to everyone OC exists (*edited* after I replied I went and looked at her page...she's already posting pictures ugh). We wish to preserve our family and not have the humiliation of the world knowing what happened. We have chosen to not even tell our son about OC until he is older. We have all emails from OW to show our son and OC (if she ever comes looking for my husband) to show how messed up the situation was.

My MIL has given up children (more than one) for adoption, so I'm having a hard time understanding why she can't get this very delicate situation and why NC, even on her part, is necessary. Those children were her family too, but she didn't have a problem not having contact with them.

The sad part is in doing this she's now lost my son as her grandson as we're cutting all contact with her since she's pursuing contacting OW. We have no place our in our lives for OW and OC even if indirectly through MIL...and that has been been made clear to MIL and OW from day 1 (even before I knew)

Yes, we have both outed everything. It was a very long process we began before getting married and we are now in recovery. I can honestly say if OW didn't choose for OC to be born our lives right now would be perfect...affairs and all.

Have you thought about Plan B'ing your MIL?

You are entirely correct to cut her and your children out of her life for good. If she wants to have a family relationship with OC and his mother, she cannot have a family relationship with you and your husband and kids. She has the right to choose whom she wants to associate with, and so do you.

Eliminate Facebook, or at the bare minimum, block your MIL.

LTL

That is now our plan. It hurts because I really do love my MIL. She's great, just a few days ago I was telling someone how great she is and they were saying how rare it is to actually like your MIL (lol).

But this came out of nowhere. We just found out I was pregnant over the weekend and we told her, and then she tells my husband it's not fair to ask her to love a new grand child and not be able to love OC. (on top of all this, I lost the pregnancy last night also to an early miscarriage)

I also feel hurt and betrayed (as does my husband) that she is choosing OW and OC over us. I believe she thinks that eventually my husband will come around and we'll act like one big happy family...but it will never happen. She didn't raise my husband and he just got back into contact with her maybe 5 years ago, so it's not a huge deal to cut her out again. Just really sad because of the situation.

thank you...it feels good to hear someone else say what I know is true. I don't want to seem like a child like pick one or the other, but if she can't understand why OW/OC cannot be involved in our lives at all, she'll risk losing her son, daughter in law, grandson and any future children we have.

I'm so sorry to hear this. My condolences to you and your H.

thank you...it's been tough. we've been trying since August and this is our second loss. It also makes the OC situation just a little harder to deal with.

Mine also.

I also agree that you're doing the right thing by cutting OW and OC out of your life.

Hi lilbit,

I am a BW whose FWH had an OC. I too had issues with my MIL. She befriended the OW because she was certain the tide had turned and my H was going to end up with the whore instead of me, his wife and mother to two of her grandchildren. I absolutely loved my MIL and was devastated that she could swing her loyalty so easily. She lost contact with me and my children for quite a while because of it. I have a long sordid history on this board and no consistant threads so finding my whole story is not easy. FF to now and we have had visitation with OC for 5 years this month. He is turning 9 soon. It is still not easy. My kids still resent OC and frankly it is tough to try to part-time parent a child who is parented full time by someone with completely different values from yours.

I just wanted to give you my support for going NC with OW/OC (especially with your DH's history with her) and with your MIL.

Now, what are you two doing to affair proof your marriage? Are you following the MB plan?

Hi Faith,

Thank you for your reply and your support. I too am devastated that my MIL would do this. She's already begun posting pictures and people are asking questions. Just as thing were seeming to get calm for us regarding the whole situation (now that CS is behind us and we don't have to worry about when OW might pop up requesting it), it's like fresh wounds opened again. My MIL was there to console me after D-day as we had a trip planned to go see her for our sons bday back in May (D-day was just a few days before his 4th bday). She was there telling me how the child probably wasn't even my husbands since it was obvious OW sleeps around, and telling me how everything was going to be ok. Now that DNA confirmed it's his, all she cares about is having a relationship with her grandchild, yet she doesn't even have a relationship with some of children.

It all hurts so much. Given our situation I don't think we will ever have C with OC. My husband has saved all the emails so if the day comes she comes looking for him, she can see from her own mother's words how the situation was so complicated and wrong and hopefully understand.

We have been following MB plan to affair proof our marriage, and I have no doubt in my mind that either of us will cheat again. We are in such a different place now that everything that happened before seems like a dream. We have brought romance back in and use any chance we can to have fun together (something that was lacking in all the years before). The OW/OC situation and now the situation with MIL has us feeling like it's us against the world. As much as it hurts what is going on, it feels good to be standing here with my husband rather than against my husband.

Thank you so much for your reply!