New member been reading for a month or so.

My wife and I began to grow apart 18 months ago, she tried to tell me and because of her method I didn't listen. 6 months ago she turned 30, started hanging out with another man and his son. Once I figured it out I begged for it to stop, tried to relight the fire, made it through Christmas with a few bumps, and then a month ago found her in our bathroom crying saying she didn't want to come home the night before. We fought and she left and the next night we met and she says she doesn't know what she wants or if she loves this guy and his son. I will add here that she has 3 sons that are from first marriage, during last pregnancy she was diagnosed with cervical cancer but carried the child and ended up having a hysterectomy. We have no shared children however I have know all 3 boys since they were tiny, they don't remember me not in there life. The Om is 8 years older divorced kid is 11 and by all accounts a good kid but his mother is not very present. She spent the next few days basically with them while I cried in the alter at church. That same day she came home and said I am here to try. We agreed to end contact, see mc etc. first week was really good until I went back to work Friday night and she ran to him with out kids. Saturday night same story. Sunday night we were together. On Tuesday of that week we had our second mc session and the counselor basically walked me into giving her the ultimatum of marriage or him. She replied that not seeing the kid would make her sick. This causes another rift and she leaves when kids go to there dads, says to her cousins apt (same complex as his). Another week goes by and after Sunday morning church she says she is ending it for good and goes home and prepares email that I approve and send. Then she "blocks his fb,and phone numbers". Her sister almost immediately calls that he sent her a message. We went back to church that night and as soon as I left church to go to work she was on the phone with om for 45 minutes. I saw this on call log and next morning I call her on it. She gets defensive and storms out, next too days no love you, no kisses, no conversation. Then On Wednesday I get the dear John email about wanting to separate to get my mind right. I take a few things and go to my dads since she has nowhere to go with the kids and I have no legal right to them. I wait 24 hrs to reply and agree things suck and take the stand that I want us to work and am agreeable to some space so long as she works on her and not focus on them. Well 3/4 of the next nights she is with them with our boys. We meet Friday morning to discuss money and she finds out she has none nor do I to live apart. I agree to stay at my dads for a bit. Her kids go back to dads in Sunday after church Sunday and she ditched on the church Super Bowl party to go ??????? We talk sporadically then on Wednesday we get together and are intimate. Following this she changes plans and says it confused her further. Says she wants to be better before we try to reconcile. Few more days pass she sees a pastoral councillor on her own one afternoon and says she has 2 appointments next week. Then yesterday we meet at our home have some good conversation and again are intimate. Later she leaves and tells me she is going to his sons basketball tournament.. Even sends me the kids stats. She tells me goodnight and love you. Then this am she asks me not to set with her and kids in church because rumors are flying. I tell her it would stop them if we were actually together and trying to fix things. Now I am supposed to meet her at home with the kids tonight.

I asked her yesterday if she loves this guy and she says no, only as a friend , they are too much alike and he is arrogant and shows his bad sides often, but she keeps going back to him, I am not sure what my next move should be. As a Christian I pray and I get , love your wife, as the answer. However it's hard to keep loving her on the roller coaster. I have my things packed and when I go home tonight I am tempted to stay wether she likes it or not.

Any advice would be great.

I have read surviving an affair. Can't exactly put a plan a or plan b together for this situation

Hi ccmedic, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. You should be in Plan A. The first step would be to move home immediately and focus on running off the OM. The most effective way of doing that is to expose the everywhere: to your children, family, friends. To the OM's wife and his entire family.

Once you do that, I would have a face to face with him and tell him that hell is coming his way if he doesn't buzz off. OM are punk cowards who run at the first sign of trouble.

Go read the exposure thread in my signature link and come back and we will talk.

Are you married? Have either of you ever had an affair before? How did her first marriage end?

Yes we are married, for 5 years. As far as I no neither has had an affair, her first marriage was over by the birth of third child. I knew her before and she already had moved out when I came into picture.

I have exposed to all that I have access to

What did you say to WHOM? Did you expose to your children? To his wife, his parents? All of your parents and family members? Friends?

What did you tell all these people EXACTLY?

Have you exposed to the OM's facebook friends?

We haven't told the children but I plan on it tonight. He isn't married, his parents know, all parents and family members know, pastor knows, mutual family friends know.

I told them essentially the same story as above and my commitment to make it work.

Why did her first marriage end?

What do you mean you "knew her before"?

I don't have access to his fb

So you told ALL of these people personally? And you told them it was an affair and they are in support of your marriage? Or the affair?

What did his parents say to you?

We had a short courtship in high school before but nothing more than friendly, no kiss, no anything really. Both in healthcare we would see each other maybe once a year during her first marriage, I was with someone else during that time.

Do you have access to his friends list?

I have told all but his parents personally. All are in support of marriage.

She has been running from her parents for a month

No access to his fb at all. I assume he blocked me

Can you figure out how to access his friends list?

So you have not exposed the affair to his side of the family?

I doubt any of his friends would support me. Likely not worth the trouble.

ok, I gave it my best shot. Let me know when you are ready to get to work. Otherwise, I view this as a waste of my valuable time.