Hi there,

Due to a lifetime of circumstance and events, my husband feels that his life has amounted to nothing. We have moved a little and have not been able to secure permanent employment since settling back down. This has been a huge blow to his ego.

I have developed a good reputation in my field, despite also being on contracts. He feels that he isn't valued by employers despite being extremely good at what he does.

This also flows to our family. We have 3 girls, one with a disability. Quite often the girls will be in need of a parent and will bypass him to come to me. He can talk to them at times, ask them questions and they will ignore him completely, especially our eldest who has the disability. This only compounds his feelings of not being valued.

I am trying so hard to work on our marriage and let him know that he is important to me and I am making sure I don't not take him for granted as I have in the past.

What else can I do to help him?

Tulie

The primary cause for depression in men is problems with their job, whereas the primary cause for depression in women is problems with their relationships. This is a reason why making the relationship better doesn't help him much.

Your husband needs to find a job. Your attempts to make him feel better while not having a job will not help much. You need to be willing to do what must be done for him to find a job. That may mean supporting job training or going back to school, or it may mean moving again.

Hi Tulie, welcome to Marriage Builders. MrEureka is correct, there isn't much that is going to make him better outside of getting a job. If there is anything you can do to help him in that way, it would be great.

Tulie, you are on the right track by trying to make your husband feel valued. Be optimistic and try to get him to stay positive about finding a job.

Show that you are confident that he will get a good job soon.

Dr. Harley says when you are without a job, you should treat looking for a job as if that is your new job. Help your husband to achieve that. He needs to feel he is achieving something in life and contributing to the family.

Thanks guys, my husband and I both work part time as work in our field is limited in our town. A job has just come up in a neighbouring town that could fit in with either of our schedules. I'm the better applicant but I know that it would be so much better if my husband could get the position. I want to go back to being the stay at home mum and I know he needs the work affirmation.

He is studying and I do what I can to give him the time and space to do that. We talk of moving for work but our kids go to a great school here and we have a support network of friends that we really rely upon.

Our marriage has seen rocky times of late and I am so determined to do this all better. I want to build him up, not tear him down. I want to do whatever it takes so he feels he is as wonderful as I know he is, though I haven't always let him know that in the past.

While it may be true that others consider you a better applicant, for you to think so yourself constitutes a disrespectful judgement. I hope you understand this. Expressing that lovebuster to your husband will withdraw many love units.

Tulie, the mental health of your husband and the health of your marriage is the most important thing to your children. If they changed schools, they would adjust. But if their dad falls apart over his depression and your marriage fails, they would be devastated. There are GREAT schools all over the world, but there are also cities where he could find gainful employment. My point is that getting him a job that pulls him out of depression is more important to your children that their school. If you have to move to find gainful employment, please do it!

MrEureka, please don't think I'm being arrogant or disrespectful in saying I'm the better applicant. I simply have a higher qualification than my husband and specific leadership experience in that particular role. My husband is well suited to the job, I've just done it before.

We did discuss who should apply for the job and decided he should. I said that it would be better for him to have the work (with a fairly prestigious employer), he said we need the income.

We have tried to move for work before and it was horrible. Our kids did not cope at all and we had to move back to our small town. Thankfully our house didn't sell.

I want to help my husband control his anger, believe he is capable and be happy in what he does. He needs to have confidence that he is good at what he does - husband, father, employee.

Even so, saying that you are the "better applicant" is a Disrespectful Judgement, which will not only withdraw love units, but will also contribute to his depression.

The word "better" places a value judgement on your ability vs. his. You can say that you meet more qualifications, or that you have more experience, but avoid using words with value judgements. You are not "better."

Everybody has a hard time seeing disrespectful judgements in themselves, yet all of us can easily identify them when they are directed at us. Try putting yourself in your husband's shoes. Can't you see the DJ from that perspective?

Normally I would have dismissed your comments as semantics, but as the parent of a child with a disability semantics can mean a lot to me. So, taking your comments inboard, I asked my husband (Bear) if I had out him down or hurt his feelings by saying I was 'better' suited for the job. I want to know if I'm doing anything to hurt him as I never want to do that.

He said "Not at all! I'd be deferring to you all the time if I had that job! You're awesome at that stuff."

I think we're ok with the word 'better'.

I'm looking everyday for jobs that he can apply for. Last night we looked through his university subjects for this semester and I was in awe of the topics. I literally get scared at the thought of having to study such hard topics. I told him as much!

I think you are on the right road as long as you treat him with respect and admiration and fulfil his other needs. Its also very important to go on dates together and have fun, forgetting about your financial worries.

Your husband needs to know that although he is not currently contributing to your household financially, he is working on your future together and things will soon look up. You be his greatest cheerleader :-)

If you are really concerned about him getting depressed, maybe speak to a doctor about getting him on antidepressants.

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