I would now watch his actions...I wouldn't commit to anything with him, and I would guard your heart. You owe him nothing. He has to prove himself through action.

Yes, if things change they would be very obvious. He would move on his own already rather than dragging it out because things are easier at my house.

Hey NED. Saw you on my thread and was wondering how you're doing. Has anything developed in your world?

It turned out it wasn't food poisoning, my mom had had a heart attack, but she's doing better now, she was in the hospital a few days and is now recovering back at home.

Nothing's new here, just waiting for my ex to move out. Then I'm going to take some extended time off before I start trying to date again. I am still actively limiting my communication with my ex H because every time I see him those what-ifs come back.

I like seeing your progress in the dating though, and turning a new leaf there!

So sorry to hear about your mom's heart attack; I'm glad she's doing better! Have you given your ex a concrete move out date? I know that living together after the split has happened can be complicated and emotionally draining.

Yes, we talked about it and it will be by the end of next month, and he is looking at apartments now. It's not so bad him being here, we get along fine as friends, just I'm ready to be on my own again.

That must be a strange situation.

But I think Dr Harley would probably say that you have a much smaller chance of marital success just by cohabitating together

You're correct.
Living Together Before Marriage

So sorry, NED! My thoughts and prayers are with your Mom.

Thanks for keeping us updated. This is so hard, but I'm confident that you now have even more wisdom for next time around. The conflict-avoidance thing is super-difficult to see for some of us (me too) - because when someone is kind and non-confrontational it can feel like such a relief! Also, when dating, renter behavior is totally normal...I'm not going to share my deepest thoughts with someone I've just met. It takes a while - and a little deeper intimacy - to do that. Plus sometimes dating is pretty effortless, and neither of us really cares 'where' we go as long as we're together.

Maybe someone has more wisdom on the 'conflict-avoider' issue. I'm sure I don't have much.

Jedi I've already given up hope on this relationship, I broke up with him a few weeks ago and am just giving him time to find a place to live.

He wanted to move in very soon, but I had told him about the Renters' and Buyers' agreements and how it's better to wait for marriage to live together. But he was in a temporary situation living with his mom until she passed away, and then we got engaged, so I justified letting him move in, thinking well we're engaged so we're already buyers. But the way it all shook out made it harder for me to come to believe in him, it would have been better for me to wait until he was on former footing and not trying to fix the situation for him. My heart was in the right place.

Z, you're right, 'll have more wisdom next time. I'll wait until I'm in a better spot. The whole broken family thing really got to me and I just wanted to fix that. Turns out it takes a lot more time than I gave it to make good decisions.

How are you doing over there NED? Is your mom doing any better?

x2

Still thinking about you, NED. I know this grief won't go away overnight.

Doing good over here, it's fun to read about your dating adventures! 35 minutes didn't sound like much of a haul but I guess it's all relative and I do see my friends that live closer more often than the one that lives a little further.

My mom is doing better too, thanks! Still very bruised but that will all heal. I haven't really gotten a chance to mourn my relationship ending because he's still here, but he's looking for a place so this chapter will soon be over.

Thanks for the update, NED. Glad your mom is better. looking forward to happier days ahead.

Thanks! Yeah, the dating adventures are interesting... I think quite a few people at work are living vicariously though me and don't want me to settle on anyone quite yet. The distance thing is relative; I was used to commuting two hours each way when I was working in Washington DC so 35 minutes isn't a big deal to me at all. Easy drive!

I'm glad your mom is doing better. Please make sure to take care of yourself during all of this because you may feel a completely different range of emotions when he leaves than you do now. There's finality to leaving that you may not appreciate until it happens. Not saying that's how it's going to be but I felt that when it happened to me (I made the mistake of living with the accountant I dated for a short while). I hope you're doing ok and things are starting to look up for you!

Yes, all relative!

I've been working on walking and doing exercise to take good care of myself. My family is really close and we have the new baby so between that and my mom getting better the extended family has been getting together every week. So we're doing okay. The way my ex hasn't moved out of the house and stopped paying towards the bills here really makes me feel like I should have picked up on this lack of character sooner. I'm going to take some time off and regroup.

Why isn't he out? When will you be getting him out?

NED - please don't blame yourself. He must've been doing lots of things right for you to have fallen in love with him. The fact that he isn't living up to his duties now DOES say something about his character...but he was likely hiding it very well. This is not your fault, dear. (Are you hard on yourself? Hm.....sounds like we have something in common!)

It will be good to regroup, and only you know when your heart is ready to try again. You're a wonderful, caring woman (I can tell by all your posts), and I'm sure you'll find someone worthy of you.

I am glad your family is a source of strength for you! I pray you are comforted daily.

Yes, Z, I'm trying to remember to keep my head high. I thought he left, but he came back, so I'm going to have to take some bigger measures like having the locks re-keyed. I hate that it's come to this. The upside is I won't be waffling about reconciliation.

I agree with Z completely regarding the above sentiment. I remember reading your posts years ago when I was going through my own "stuff" and thinking how incredibly calm, caring and strong you were/are. You deserve someone who recognizes and cherishes that. Do what you have to do now to get this guy out of the house and then heal. Someone wonderful and deserving of you is around the corner.