I thought I'd made it pretty clear that this has nothing to do with time passing. It has to do with repentance, new behavior, 32 years before and 6 years after.

If we each had more empathy, this world would be a much better place. If we could feel each others' feelings, we would stop inflicting pain on each other - immediately. I can empathize with lots of people - whether or not I've committed their particular 'crime.' I consider this one of my better qualities, and I live my life looking for ways to improve the lives of the people around me. In fact, my 'crime' has made me more empathetic - so in a way I'm grateful to have left self-righteousness behind. It never served me well anyway And being knocked down a few pegs was likely necessary for my growth.

They certainly can! People can choose to do and say whatever they'd like to! For good, or ill. My point is, there's such a sinister motivation in focusing only on the shameful. I certainly am not raising my children that way. If I continually broadcast their failures, even after they'd proven they were different, what kind of parent would I be? A sh*tty one.

People - and newspapers and websites - certainly can tell whomever they choose. But what a stain on their character for doing so, when the motivation is to hurt and shame others. If the motivation were as a catalyst for change or to protect others - then I can see the benefit. Otherwise, destruction is the goal - and I cannot support it. I'd rather spend my life building people up rather than tearing them down.

True. And years of different actions are what I'm referring to.

I didn't "act" like a WW for 38 years. I "acted" like a WW for 2.

The sum total of my life is not acting like a WW. It's 4.87% of my total years (so far. it gets smaller every day).

Oh boy, a lot of fog in this post!

Isn't the "sinister motivation" to be found in having an affair with a married man? In your husband and children's safe home? I see that as a very sinister act. I see nothing "sinister" in exposing your bad behavior.

Hopefully you will raise your children to understand that there are consequences to be paid when you commit adultery. And that it is a horrendous crime to commit against others. You broke up 2 families! They should know what you did so they will learn a lesson from your mistakes.

Like Harley says this is a lesson to be learned.


The stain is on the person who committed the crime, not on the one who exposed it. Exposure is virtuous, adultery is evil. Your actions stained many people FOR LIFE. FOR LIFE. My son and I still feel the effects of his fathers affair 16 years ago.

I see a lot of blaming the victim going on here, Zhamila. The fog is thick!

This is the language of fogbabble...

Is the damage caused to your victims only 4.87% of their lives? I can see that you happily moved on, but it was not your ox getting gored.

You "acted" like a wayward long enough to destroy 2 families. The fact that you can minimize and justify it tells me that you don't get it. You demand empathy from others but you do not give it in return. There is no sign of empathy in your posts. Just the opposite.

Do you think your MIL feels this way about your adultery? Does your XH feel this way? Do your children minimize the fact that they lost their family over your selfish pursuits with their grandfather? You destroyed many lives with your "4.87%" of bad behavior. It will affect their lives for much longer than that.

How long does a murderer act like a murderer? Sometimes a few seconds. The fraction of your life that it encompasses has nothing to do with qualifying for this dubious status.

What I get most from the homewreckers site and this thread is that, if you have ever committed adultery, that will be the stain you will wear everyday for the rest of your life. It should dominate every single aspect of your existence and be what defines you until the day you die. Nothing you do will ever make up for it.

This does remind me very much of "The Scarlet Letter." I simply see no benefit to be gained from sewing that huge red "A" onto every single article of clothing I wear for the rest of my life, figuratively and literally. I'm pretty glad that, as a society, we did away with that practice in the literal sense long ago. Perhaps some on here would like to bring it back, but I hope that never happens.

I think I just have to accept the fact that MB isn't where I belong. I've long suspected that, but this topic confirms it. Here, I will always be defined by that one terrible thing I did. Doesn't matter if I own up to it, make amends for it, do everything in my power to turn away from it and never do it again. Unless I'm willing to wear that "A" for the rest of my life and agree that it is the most important aspect of my existence and the defining aspect of my character, I will never be accepted here. And I can't do that. And that's okay. I'm okay. Because I'm secure enough in who I really am to know that it doesn't define me.

I think it's time for me to move on now. I have so many other things that I need to focus on, and this has become a distraction for me over time. This site has kept me bogged down in the mistakes of the past and unable to move forward. Life is too short and far too precious to waste it on things that do not benefit us or help us grow as human beings.

I will continue to read Dr. Harley's words in his books and articles. He has a lot of wisdom and a lot of insight and I am very grateful to have those tools at my disposal. But this site is so different from the things I read and hear from Dr. Harley that I just can't see the point in participating any longer.

Really? I don't see that at all, but if you really think so, why don't you notify the moderators on the topics that you think are so divergent?

But that is completely not what anybody has said at all.

Then perhaps you should listen to him when he says that the exposure website is a GOOD thing.

You've got some more growing to do, writer, and I hope you will continue to do so. You are upset about the prospect of having to wear a scarlet letter, but you do not see that you are the only one forcing that on yourself. When you reach the point where you no longer hide in fear from your past, when you no longer need to keep your mistakes a secret, THEN you will be free from your affair. But as long as you insist on your right to secrecy, and vilify your victims for needing public support, YOU hold on to that scarlet letter with a death grip.

Wow, writer. I take personal exception to that remark. I have never posted to you like a WW or even a FWW. NEVER. I have spent many hours writing to you and discussing your situation with Prisca and trying to decide what I could say that would help you, not to mention praying for you.

To have all that dismissed as "here on MB I will always be defined by my affair" is really sad.

You decided to post on this thread and make your past affair an issue. Nobody else decided that for you. It was your decision, and I believe you should own it. Nobody put this thread out saying that you should be listed on such a site. This thread was not about you at all.

How have I ever done that, writer? I have been prompting you to move forward for years. I have been giving you the exact same advice Dr. Harley gives any wife in your situation, with no regard whatsoever to the mistake in your past.

Please do not misrepresent the support I have given you.

If you don't like the website that is mentioned on this thread, don't use it; it's as simple as that. There is no need to go vilify those of us who have given so much to help you for years, just to make yourself feel better about this subject.

Zhamila is another great example of a wife in a troubled marriage that I gave extensive help to NEVER once referencing her status as previously having had an affair. There were other people on the thread beating her up for an affair she had had - IN A PREVIOUS MARRIAGE. It wasn't even an issue and had nothing to do with her new marriage. I think I notified the moderators on dozens of inappropriate posts on her thread.

I stood up and made a stand for a woman who was being mistreated and who was not AT ALL getting the kind of advice Dr. Harley would give. There are other threads where I have done this as well.

I am completely floored that after giving this kind of effort and this much of my personal time I am now seeing people say that on MB they will be forever tagged as an adulterer.

If you want to leave Marriage Builders, leave Marriage Builders ... but don't tell yourself that everybody here wouldn't let you get past a tragic mistake of the past. That is the exact opposite of the advice that you've received for years.

And if you'd like me to keep trying to help people in the way I've been doing in the past, it might be nice to retract some of what you've said here and encourage me to keep going. It's really discouraging to think that everything I've done and said can be so completely dismissed and ignored.

Markos,

I certainly didn't mean to offend anyone. I do very much appreciate all of the support and help I have been given from various people on this site.

And really, this has nothing to do with this particular thread either. I think it just came to light for me while reading it. It's something I've been pondering for a long time.

I think the mere act of reading so many posts everyday dealing with adultery is what has kept me bogged down in the past, and on my past actions specifically. I just don't think it is doing me any good to continue reading posts about adultery anymore, and so many of the threads here deal with that very topic. I just feel like continuing to dwell in that world of infidelity is making me feel stuck inside of it. My affair ended almost 5 years ago. I think I'm ready to focus on more positive aspects of my life. I have a lot of things I want to accomplish, and I have neglected many of them since my affair.

For me, I think it's just time to move on.

Let me help you reach it..

A BS is not 'angry' or 'vengeful' when completing exposure.

Your hand shakes so much with fear. Your heart beats audibly faster. Your face is blood red and hot. You feel you are discussing your own rape. You ARE exposing your own rape.

I exposed and I exposed widely and well. But that wound still hurts and I don't have the bravery to do it all over again on this homewrecker website. I wish I did. It would be the selfless act for the OW and others.

Yet you do not empathise with their pain or bravery - how could you?

I am filled with awe at the bravery of those spouses who do use this site.



That is absolutely correct, yes. There isn't a way to make up for it!

You should know that by now.

Some Former waywards get that - others do not. The ones who still run from the facts bring their past behaviour into the present.

I think there is nothing braver than a former wayward who is brave enough to admit: "Yes I did that".

However denying and hiding the truth - telling others they cannot speak the truth about their pain - it is an extremely shameful stance which is nothing but wayward. This site tells us who DID in the past tense wreck a home once. However your attitude reveals waywardness today - present tense.

You can't read people's minds, though, so you can't really speak about their motivations.

That's really one of the fundamental lessons about here - when a behavior bothers you in a relationship, one of the hardest things to learn to do is to complain about the behavior, not ascribe ill motivations. Doing so is disrespectful. For example, a wife telling her husband "you don't love me" is disrespectful - she needs to learn to say "I'd like you to talk to me more, and it bothers me that you go out with your buddies every night."

Same thing here - you can't talk about people's motivations like that, because you just don't know. I will be the first to say that people should not have angry outbursts, that when they do so they are insane, and that people should NOT be punishing others for their behavior, especially if they want to recover a marriage with them. But that does not mean that they should not expose an affair. The light of day makes us all better people.

writer the biggest problem I see is that Dr. Harley advises a wife to go into Plan B when her husband will not do what it takes to recover their marriage, and you've entered the opposite situation, languishing for years. That has to take a terrible toll on your emotional health.

What happened to the initiative you guys had to get into the online program and finally get some help? Your situation should NEVER have focused on adultery for five years. Your thread has never in my memory been about adultery or your past affair. It's all been about moving forward. Move, my friend. MOVE.

Instead of dwelling on infidelity, follow the plan for recovering a broken marriage. That is a choice you make and has nothing to do with this exposure site. People writing and talking about this exposure website are not preventing you from choosing to follow the plan for fixing your marriage. I really think the biggest problem is that your husband has not gotten on board and has only given lip service for short time intervals.

Any time that we make poor decisions, there is always the chance that it can creep back up to haunt us. I was arrested for having an illegal substance when I was 22 and charged with a misdemeanor (thank God it wasn't a felony). That was 14 years ago. I wasn't a danger to anyone; I was only having a good time. However, it will always be on my record. It doesn't define who I am. Yes I made a mistake. And anyone with Google can find this out. It's something I have to live with. Am I a bad person? Nope. Did I behave wrecklessly? Yes.

Being a BS, I don't want my FWW to carry a scarlet letter around for the rest of her life. I want us to move to the future with lessons learned and to never repeat this horrible history again.

I get what you are saying. I can personally say I have taken extended breaks from MB not because there isn't great advice and insight, more that by reading all of the sad stories day in and day out it has (at times) influenced me to dwell on the past. It can plant seeds of reminders.

Nothing wrong with taking a break! I do believe it can trigger folks. It has me many times.

The moderators will remove posts that are not inline with MB principles. On this subject, it was Dr Harley that mentioned this website on his radio show.
He didnt endorse the website, per se. He said he endorsed insofar as he supports exposure.