Please listen to these clips from Dr. Harley?
Beware of Bad Counselors

I remember when I first found MB, it was a breath of fresh air because things finally started to make sense to me. Get the book "Survivng an Affair" and educate yourself on the program. Things will then start to make sense to you and that knowledge will give you the strength to do the things you must do to kill this affair. Expose.

Dr Harley is a specialist in infidelity and a specialist is who will give you the best guidance.

Affairs are an addiction just like alcohol. If your husband was an alcoholic do you think it would be wise to sit back and just tell him how you feel about it? No. That would be ridiculous. The same is true here.

Get the book Lilly and educate yourself. This is your family and your life.

This forum is wonderful! Thank you for the input about the chaplain. that was kind of a weird experience in that I left the office thinking I only got two pieces of fairly useful info from the entire session. 1. don't burn your bridges, and 2. put the ball in his court t decide if he can make the necessary changes to make marriage work.

Right now, I am visiting my sister for a little break from the situation and most of my anxiety has gone away. I am pursuing a couple of ways of finding out ho long this affair has been gong on and have identified a couple of people I will be calling in the next few days to see what they know. Before driving out, I had a 4 hour long conversation with WH about things that need to be fixed in our marriage in order for me to want to stay, He said he wanted to work on the marriage but was still resistant to cutting off all communication with OW. I didn't tell him what I had seen on IPAD but was able to get him to give me full access to his Iphnone and ipad that following morning. He didn't realize that the whole ipad message conversation was still stored on the ipad. I was also not satisfied with some of his answers to my questions about being able todelete text messages. In fact, when he was trying to explain why the message histories only went back to the beginning of January for the iphone, it only served to make me more suspicious. I don't sense that he is really ready to do what it takes to rebuild trust. He seemed overly concerned about hurting her feelings. Well, what about my feelings? I am just not seeing the total change of heart. I know I am at a strategic disadvantage being away from him but I just couldn't stay any longer in that environment. Now I am trying to work out what I require from him in order to re-build marriage. Would this be a plan B? We parted amicably.

yes, I am in the process of reading the book - "How to survive an affair" and "Lovebusters"

Lilly,

Don't expect at this point that your H will be ready to do what it takes and don't be surprised that he is concerned about her feelings. He is still in the affair and is in the FOG. It is like talking to a falling down drunk or a high crack addict. You have to bust up the affair first. Expose the affair to do this. Affairs thrive on secrecy. At this point, you are enabling him to continue with the OW.

In Plan B, you would send your husband a letter telling him exactly what he must do for you to remain in the marriage (commit to no contact for life with OW, establish EPs to prevent another affair, etc. There are examples of Plan B letters). Then, you would not see or talk to your husband until he met those conditions. You would use an intermediary for communication. There is an entire thread about how to conduct Plan B and there are many experienced Plan B'ers on this forum.

There is no point in doing anything until the affair is over and that will only happen when you expose it. You are putting the cart before the horse and wasting valuable time.

Oh, no. Not this again.

I am not caught up on this thread but there is no point in working on Steps 2, 3, 4 etc when you haven't even completed Step 1. Ending the affair. Exposure.

No point at all.

Put down Lovebusters and focus on SAA.

Lilly,

How are you doing? When are you going to expose the affair?

hello, I finished the book surviving an affair. I have started exposing and am telling his sister. his parents are next. I spoke to our mutual friends and also asked if the wife had heard anything about any previous relationships WH has had. trying to figure out who OW boss is to get no contact order issued.

If WH desires to fix this, would it be a good idea to have him read surviving an affair as well? Also, I am thinking about signing up for the coaching program.

Absolutely. Reading SAA together is an even better idea.

Hi Lilly, I would get all your exposures done ASAP so they are not trickled out. Did you read my exposure thread for talking points? Do you have a Facebook exposure planned for the OW?

I have read through the thread and have copied her entire friends list. I need to figure out who her close contacts are. there are 700 people on there. I have her phone number also. should I personally call her too. I know that isn't in the exposure thread. I also underestimated the secret keeping abilities of his side of the family. I think that even if each person knows that they would all be inclined to keep it a secret from eachother and from WH thinking that they would be helping me out.

Gotcha. You are right to be selective.


I would confront her after you have exposed. What about exposing to the IG? What is your plan to expose it at work?


It is important that you ASK THEM to contact your husband and not keep it a secret. And you don't keep it a secret. SEnd out a group email as specified in my exposure thread asking them all for help and ccing them all. You should not keep your exposures secret. See what I mean?

Husband and I have been in contact via phone. I had not exposed the other woman yet, went into hospital for early labor. I ended up talking to WH's sister, who told all the other sisters. I have not told his parents yet because now he seems like he wants to fix things and I have unfortunately left myself with a partial exposure and feel like in the spirit of transparency that I ought to tell him who "knows". I had even tried calling the other woman but got her voice mail. Right now, he has said he will end all contact with OW and just not return any of her texts and that she has not been contacting him anyway. He is hesitant to end all contact with OW the way I wanted him to (send out e-mail explaining why - using a template I found on here, and changing his phone number) He thinks that just unfriending all single women on facebook would give them the "idea" that he doesn't want to have any more contact with them. Right now, he is thinking of coming out here to where I am for the birth of the baby and after much convincing agreed to send the OW a text about no contact with me watching.

I think I botched this one up pretty badly. I remember reading in an article on MB that if a WH does not want to do the full no contact that I ought not to trust him and that is how I am feeling now. Since he has agreed to work on the reconciliation process, I feel that talking about my exposure efforts would probably embarrass him pretty badly and derail reconciliation.

Do not tell your still wayward H about your exposure attempts, nor talk about any snooping tools in place.

Lillypenny, there is no "convincing" a wayward of anything. They just tell us what we want to hear so that they can continue their SSL in peace, and sorry to say, whenever they can tilt things in their favor to eat enjoyable cake from you AND from the OW, they are delighted.

Please do a proper and full exposure ASAP. Until then, and until he has hand written a no contact letter and provided it to you for mailing, the two of you will only be working on a false reconciliation process. You need to be WITH your H so that you can constantly verify that he has begun true no contact,

Lilly, half measures will avail you nothing. Nothing has been achieved here.

You have a choice: Put the control in your WH's hands, or wrest control of the situation yourself.

When the betrayed spouse takes control, marital recovery becomes possible. When the wayward has the control: well that's like trusting a meth addict with the life savings.

Follow the steps. It's not too late. Complete your full exposure when you are well and then insist that he send a proper no contact letter. Be safe.

Don't they work together?


No, that is not what Dr Harley says. He says if your husband does not end all contact for life that you should separate.