Hi everyone,

My husband decided 9 months ago that he wanted to separate. We still live together as he works away, but we get along pretty well.

We are trying to figure out whether this is a permanent separation, or if we will get back together. I know I am 100% set to do whatever it takes to make it work, but I do have a little problem with one of his emotional needs.

He is very set on physical appearance. When we first started dating 12 years ago, I was the biggest tomboy who wore sweats and no make up. I was and still am very comfortable with my appearance, but with time I have grown up and started wearing nicer, more feminine clothes, but I am still very anti make up.

I feel that I am attractive naturally, and my husband only started asking me to wear make up when I pick him up from the airport and when we go out on dates. He says his reason is that he wants to show me off to his work mates etc, but this has never happened. I have only ever met one of his work mates and this was when I picked him up from the airport straight from working out, so jot the most glamourous situation lol.

Is it fair for him to ask this of me if I have never been this type of person? Or should I just suck it up and do it coz it makes him happy even though it is way out of my comfort zone and I feel really uncomfortable doing so?

Thanks

Welcome to MB.

How long is he away at a time?

Also please read Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

Do you know if he is having an affair?

He is away for 2 weeks and home for a week. Would it be an affair if we are separated? I doubt he is seeing anyone else, but I am not 100% sure. We have a lot to talk about when he gets home later this week, but he has said he is willing to see how things go, but I don't know exactly where he stands with everything. He is not very good at communicating his feelings etc, and really needs to work on it, so hopefully he shows some good signs once we have discussed things.

The make up thing has been an issue for the last few years, but I doubt this is the reason for the separation. I just don't understand why he was so happy for the first 8ish years of our relationship and then switched to wanting me to be something I am not... To me this is like me asking him to be a suit and tie guy, or becoming a body builder. To me he is jot that type of guy and I fell in love with who he is not what I can mould him in to. He has his faults, and the only things I ask of him are things I know he is capable of as he has done them in the past.

It sounds like he was telling you how to be more attractive to him. And sure, you don't have to be attractive to him if you don't want to. It will just cause him to fall out of love. When I ask my husband to do something - or vice versa - we usually do it because we want the other person to be in love with us.

I suspect he has fallen out of love and is having an affair with someone who is more willing to meet his needs. Since you are living completely separate, independent lifestyles and are not meeting each others emotional needs anymore, it would be impossible to sustain the love in your marriage.

Do you have any idea who the affair is with?

Are you married?

We would have been married for 11 years this coming April. As I said, I doubt very kuch he is having an affair. He never leaves the house when he is home, and I am pretty much always home unless I am doing my sports, so I don't know when he would have had a chance to have an affair if he is or did have one.

I have lost so much weight (25+ kg from my pregnancy) and I am doing everything I can to maintain my now quite athletic figure. I dress nicely and do my hair nicely, I just really hate make up. It is hard to explain, but I really don't see the point of it as even when I do wear make up I don't look any different. If I need to just suck itoup and do it, then I guess I can do it, but, if he is telling me that he wants me to wear it so he can show me off and make the guys he knows jealous, he needs to actually take me out and introduce me to the people he wajts to show me off too.

I am a very social person and enjoy going out and meeting people. Hubby on the other hand is very reclusive and despises going out. This is another reason I doubt he is having an affair. One of his reasons for separatuon is coz he would rather be alone, so why would he leave the comfortable life he has with a very easy going wife to start fresh with a new person who he will have to put in effort with?

I also don't get why nothing was said for 8ish years and then all of a sudden he wants me to change. This is the confusing thing. Why not say something earlier in the marriage if it was such an issue?

Doesn't he travel, though?


The point of it is that it would make him happy. You can try to get used to it and/or try to wear it in ways that makes you happy and makes him happy. He is asking you to be more attractive for him.


He likely met someone else and fell in love with her. A love affair is not an "effort." Being with a spouse you are no longer in love with is an "effort."

I would QUIETLY start snooping to find out what is going on. I don't think you have the full story and you are losing your husband. Probably to another woman.

He flies up to a mine site in the middle of nowhere. We are still sleeping together, and I doubt very much me not wearing make up has been the be all and end all of why our marriage is currently in a rough patch...

I think my husband has a few personal issues gojng on that he doesn't know how to address, and I don't think it has helped that I am growing more as an individual and maybe he is feeling threatened by it. I don't know. But as I said I am 99% sure he is not having an affair. Either way I will find out, but I will not snoop as I don't believe it is necessary.

The make up issue represents a larger problem in your marriage: that you don't consider his feelings. It was important enough to him to warrant mentioning.

Independent behavior is often the result of living apart and causes couples to fall out of love,

You will need to snoop to rule out an affair. You can't just assume that. You won't find out if you don't check into it.

Well that clearly isn't the issue then as I do listen to him and I have worn make up nearly every time he asked. But one of the reasons I did stop wearing it is because he was lying to me for his reason why he wanted me to. Why should I go out of my way and out of my comfort zone so he can show me off to everyone but then hardly acknowledge me or even show any interest in me when I have done what he has asked. I would be more willing to wear make up if he actually showed me that I was the hot sexy wife he was wanting to show off rather than giving me a peck and a quick hug and then walking 5 metres away from me I want him to embrace me oike he used to and give me a proper kiss and hug as we don't see each other for 2 weeks and then I want him to introduce me to people he knows and then actually walk with me and interact with me.

I am always listening to him and doing everything he asks of me. I just don't see why I am always doing everything, no matter how uncomfortable or foreign to me, but if I ask him to do something which I know he is capable of, he tells me he is not that kind of guy and he obviously can't provide what I ask of him. He doesn't even try.

I didn't come here to have my husband thrown under the bus and be told he is having an affair, when I know my husband well enough to know that I trust him. I will not snoop, and I am hoping that he is man enough to tell me the truth if he has or is having an affair. I have told him quite frequently that honesty is the best policy and that there is always a way for the truth to come out, so I would rather be slightly hurt by him telling me the truth up front than lie or deceive me and then I may not be able to forgive him. I am hoping he has taken this on board as I will be asking him if he has slept with anyone since we separated, as well as if he has dated or been seeing anyone since we separated.

There isn't much we can do if you won't do some investigating and rule out an affair. If there is an affair then none of the steps we advise would be effective. Good luck.

I would also look into whether he is using porn.

I know he watches porn. He is away for 2 weeks at a time so I have no problem with it. He has been working away for 8 years so this is not an issue. He does seem genuinely open to seeing if we can make this work, and we pretty much still act like a couple, but we just don't share a bed and room whilst our daughter is home.

You have know idea when it comes to affairs.

Yet you ignore people with vast experience.

You need to investigate to rule out an affair.

You can not verify if your WH has a bimba on the side.

Men are visual. They get turned on by what they see.

Yet many wives will get their permed when their H loves straight hair as one example.

So you can go two weeks without makeup.

Yet you will not wear makeup for the one week that your H is home.




Though the whole makeup thing can just be a smoke screen. Where your H is using the makeup wearing thing as an excuse to separate with you so he can be with his OW 24/7/365.



Though OP, you know better.

tkc, if your husband is serious about making this work, we can help you transform your marriage. But there are many things wrong here, and the most critical is that your lifestyles do not support a marriage. You can't sustain a marriage and live apart like this. It will never work. In order to create an integrated, loving marriage, you must be living together, meeting each others needs on a daily basis.

And yes porn is an issue. When your sexual needs are not met 100% within the marriage, the sex life always suffers. He will lose interest in you sexually when you are put in a position to compete with young 18 year old girls in porn movies. It is a disaster to marriage and leads to the loss of interest in the marriage.

Many of the things you say you don't "have an issue with" are marriage killers. But if you and your husband want to turn this around you are going to change your lifestyles.

Affairs are built on deceit. To expect someone to be honest about their deceit is foolish. Don't you realize that for most of us who have survived affairs in our marriages, it was the lies and broken trust that were the hardest part for us deal with? Everybody expects honesty from their spouse. Nobody expects betrayal. You and your husband are leading completely independent lives. There is a very high risk for affairs in situations like this. For you to ignore that risk is irresponsible.

What do the girls in the porn films have on their faces?

Hmmm...

People usually only separate for one of two reasons:
1. There has been so much lovebusting in the marriage that they can't stand being in each other's presence any more.
2. They have found someone else.
Which is why everybody wants to know whether your husband is having an affair, because from your description it doesn't sound like you have been fighting all the time when he is home.

For a couple to stay in love and have a happy marriage, dr. Harley recommends the following:
1. NO nights spent apart
2. At least 17 hours a week quality undivided attention time together. (he recommends as many as 4 dates a week)
3. All emotional needs should be met by the spouse and there shouldn't be any sexual experiences outside of the marriage (which includes masturbation)
4. No lovebusting.

Your lifestyle unfortunately doesn't leave much hope for your marriage, unless you change all of that and work on falling in love again.