Hello everyone.

I have been wandering around the city I live all weekend. I'm just a former version of myself. I am lost and confused. I can't eat, can't sleep. My skin is on fire and I don't know what to do.

I think my wife is having an emotional affair ("EA" is it?). We've grown apart over the past 2-3 years (been together for 10 years, married for 5 years, no kids). She works a lot, my schedule is relatively the same since I'm a teacher. I know neither of us has been perfect in our marriage the past couple years but heck I've been trying really hard. I do as much as I can around the house (except laundry really) and I even take the dogs out for a walk since she's a busy woman and always on the go.

But she's become distant. Way distant, actually. The physical side of things stopped about 6 months ago and she's constantly on her phone. I checked her phone records and saw she has a lot of calls from one number, but it's not stored in her phone. I tried calling it but the voice-mail wasn't setup. I didn't find any text records. No emails, nothing like that. But when she's awake, she guards that phone like a tiger guarding its cub. It's only after-hours that I could find out any of this.

What should I do? I don't know if what I perceive is real or not...I'm so lost and confused.

I'm also too afraid to just confront her. I don't know how without evidence to even start that subject. If she's not having an EA I think it could hurt us initially. Maybe good to get my thoughts out in the open, but I'm just not sure. Rambling here, I know. It just helps to write this out. My friend recommended this site because he went through marital problems. He said Dr. H is great.

Waiting:

Welcome to Marriage Builders. You have landed at the right place, likely the ONLY place where you will find concrete, specific, steps to deal with the place you find yourself.

I am sorry for your pain. I know it well, having been there myself two years ago.

The red flags are all there for your wife to be having an affair. (emotional or physical, not an issue at this point.)

Have you read all the entries under the "Welcome to Marriage Builders" thread at the beginning of the "Surviving an Affair" column? If not, go and do that first.

Also, do not confront your wife at this time. (I know it is really hard!!)

Waiting:

You are very fortunate to have a friend, who sent you here. This is the best site you could find. And your friend is right, Dr. Harley is brilliant.

Hi WTC, welcome to Marriage Builders. You are in the right place to get help saving your marriage. The first step towards that end is to quietly snoop on her to find out what is going on. There are several ways to do this, spyware on her cell phone, a keylogger on her computer, a voice activated recorder in her car, etc. The best resource is typically a PI if you can afford it. They can usually get to the truth of the matter very quickly.

Who is the person she is communicating with so much? Is he married? A coworker?

What does she do that she works so much?

Hello everyone,

Thank you for the quick replies. It is a comfort to know that I am in a community where you all care so much, without even knowing me. I have been perusing the forums as I can. I'm using my friend's computer (the friend who directed me to the website) today since I am just too hurt (and PO'd!) to return home.

I do not know who my potentially WW is communicating with so frequently. I called the number from my friend's phone and no answer. No voice mail. I know I have to start digging. What do you recommend I do first? And how does one find a PI?

My wife is a travel agent who does frequent out of town trips for her company. It is evident the opportunity is there for her to meet this other person on any of the trips she goes on! I'm sitting here with my head in my hands wondering how this could have happened? I thought we were happy.

Are you staying with your friend?

Does your friend post here? Of so, who is it?

Waiting:

Check out the "Snooping" column under "Surviving and Affair" area.

By far the most effective and quickest method of snooping is hiring a PI. There is information on the "Snooping" column about that.

I know that it is painful and extremely difficult but you should be at home with her now. Your absence won't show her that you really care. And you are giving her all her free time to be in contact with her OW. We call this enabling the affair.

What does she think your are doing that you are not at home?

Have you tried looking up the number through spokeo.com?

No my friend does not post here. He just found forums and read through them a long time ago when he was having problems. He also borrowed Dr. H's book from a mutual friend and is now letting me borrow it. It seems like a great read.

I told my potential WW that I was helping my friend with some emotional problems. What she doesn't know is that hes helping me. I'm supposed to go home later. I don't quite know how to stomach it.

I did a general search for the number and found nothing other than it's in our general area. I haven't mustered up the courage yet to ask her who she's speaking to.

As a side note, I see I'm a Junior Member. What's the difference between Member and Junior Member?

Thank you all for the help and support. It helps me feel like there's hope for my marriage.

Welcome to marriage builders. First off don't confront her she won't tell you and that will only make it harder to find out what's really going on. Your gunna have to start acting like james bond. Coool and calm and collected.

The first thing I would do is head over to future shop or best buy or some other electronic store and get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and strap it (reccomend velcro) to the under side of her cars chair or in the dash under the steering wheel. If she's talking to the guy in the car you will catch the convo when she's driving or place it wherre she might feel safe to talk to her OM. Then you can retrieve the var later to check it.

Another thing would be to put a keylogger on her phone and or pc.

Your going have to play it cool and not tip your hand as to what your doing til you get some undisputable evidence. Take note of the times at which she frequents that number and try to see or imagine where she might be to do this talking. This will help with var placement.

Begin plan A which is to figure out her needs and do them without expectations for a while til she slips up and gives you the info you need. Once you got the info bring it back here so we can guide you with the next steps.

MNG

Thank you I am stopping to get a VAR tonight! Im not really a tech savvy man: does a VAR need batteries?

How does a keylogger work? She has an iphone. Does it need to be jailbroken? I thought I saw it mentioned in a post somewhere but I can't find it now.

I already feel like James Bond. It's too bad it had to come to this. But it's for her own good.

Yes, a VAR needs batteries. All electronic devices require electricity to operate.

A keylogger is a program that is installed on a computer or smartphone and it will record everything conducted (such as websites visited, passwords used, etc).

If you can afford it, buy 2 VAR. One to keep on your person...because it is not uncommon for women involved in an affair to trump up false charges against their husband (rape, assault etc) to get him out of the home. You want to keep it hidden and operable at all times. (i slept with mine, hidden in my pajamas)

Can you afford a PI?
They can get names and numbers fast

Waiting:
You are a Junior Member because you are new here. Once you have made quite a few more posts, you will graduate.

Thank you everyone. I actually picked up two VARs just in case one didn't work. I strapped it to the underside of her car seat late last night. My heart raced the entire time even though I knew she was upstairs "washing her hair." We'll see what's REALLY going on.

After I find out what she's doing, I'll consider looking into a PI. It might be a little hard to afford but I'll find a way. My marriage is worth it.

If she uses a home computer or laptop install a keylog program on that also

WFC, are you OK? You keep saying bizarre things. Either you are putting us on, or you need to get professional help.

If she was upstairs "washing her hair", then maybe a VAR needs to go in that bathroom also?