Why can't I accept the fact that he is gone and unless some thing drastic happens he won't be back. I am beginging to think I am just trying to fool myself that there is any hope that he will ever wake up. I don't know this person he has become. I don't understand anything he has done and is doing. I am really working at getting on with my life but every decision I make is based on when he comes back or to make it easier for him to come back. He doesn't even know of these decision. He is lost gone "blew away" as my darling grandson tells me. I am not giving up hope I do hope that he finds his way. I feel that he is lost to everyone his children, his grandchildren, his sister and his parents. With no one having any contact with him. His choice. It is like he disappeared from the face of the earth, it is beginning to feel more like death. Final!!!!!! I don't want to feel this way but without some response on his part to anyone doesn't have to be me, I don't know wha to do and it really frightens me. I have pinned so many hopes on the holidays, not that he will be back home for them but that they will cause him to see what he is missing, that he wakes up a realizes what he has done. But then there is that fear that since there has been no cantact he will not know what to do or how to leave. I am afraid of his depression, he had a brother commit sucide along time ago 30 years. He told me when he left it was over why can't I accept this? He is not the man I married nor the man I have loved for 27 years. This is a new person whom I don't know so why can't I believe what he told me then and has kept showing by not responding to anyone. I know I just keep repeating myself but that is what my brain is doing just keeps going over these thought all the time. Guess I just need to put them down, but I know they won't go away. Am I asking for too much just for something to show that there is a least a spark of hope left? <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

SDS -- I wish I could say something to make things better for you. All I can do is offer you my prayers for peace and understanding.<P>God Bless

SDS - you have helped me in so many ways that I wish I could do more for you. You have hopes and dreams because until recently, you had a wonderful life with your husband. It is too hard to shut that down. Though he has left and the future is uncertain, you want to believe in the man you love,the dreams you built and found and the future life together. Noone can understand what is on his mind but for you - maybe thinking about you would be a nice thing for a change. I say this to my H (Tryng Hard) all the time: If it is meant to be, it will happen. Goofy or not,this I believe. Love and good thoughts to you. May your day get better with each passing moment.

SDS - My heart goes out to you. But I'm afraid I can't think of any words to make you feel better.<P>One day at a time, I guess.<P>My prayers are with you.<P>Lori

Thanks guys, I appreciate and need all of your prayers and support. Weekends are always the worse for me. That was our time together. What I want and need no one can give to me the answers to the whys and whens and ifs. I am want of those weird people that want everything in there neat little piles and everything organized and you go from a to b to c. It is just now I feel I have skip everything and gone to Y the unknown and I don't deal with that very well. It just seem so hopeless. You know I keep writing him just to keep me popping into his life as a reminder, because I can't se how he can even have one memory of anything and not keep in touch. I have told myself he won't respond because if he does that will be in the end of this fantasy he has and he knows it and he just is ready to give it up. But what if his feeling are real and he is gone? I don't want to go into plan B because I feel like that is playing right into his hands, but if I understand Harley , that is what it is all about. Let them be on their own and see the real world. As long as I am busy I do okay, but if I have any down time all these thought bombard me. I guess it is really worse with the holidays fast approaching. I just wish I could just know what he is thinking and if he ever thinks about me or his family. Before all this happen I could give you a fairly good idea what he thought but no more. I just wish.... I know I keep sayin the same thing over and it doesn't get any better.... I know I need to take something that would give me amnesia. That is what we all need a little pill to help us forget. <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

I read somewhere that it takes 2 years to grieve a major loss such as the death of someone close or a divorce. So I think it's perfectly normal for you to be feeling this way. Not that that is all that helpful on an emotional basis.<P>I read "Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends" by Dr. Bruce Fisher. I highly recommend it. It reads well, and doesn't get too bogged down in psychological mumbo gumbo. But yet it has lots of helpful insight. It's more about what is happening to you, how long to expect it to last, what to work towards, and what signs to look for than it is about some sort of touchy-feely quick fix thing.<BR>

Thanks Nonplused, I'll check it out. Weekend are the worse. Between the emotion of what I am going through it is also the day I change my estrogen patch and it takes awhile for it to kick in so I am on this yucky rollercoaster ride of all my emotion. Usually I can keep them under control but because of the estrogen thing I can't on weekends.

Just realized why weekends are the worst. I am a little slow at times. I know that it was our time together that makes it hard. But see now it is their time together. They both work nights 5 PM to 1 AM. Knowing H he goes right to sleep when he gets home. She always slept in, he doesn't or didn't. By the time you get up do a few things then it is time to go to work at least the was his routine when he was home. So now I know he is with her and they have the nights that we spent together they are together and that really hurts. Sorry I thought I could handle this. But all sort of thoughts started flooding in. Tomorrow is Monday a work day so I will be better!. <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

SDS, My heart goes out to you. I have read most of your postings these past two months and I know how much you love your H and how hard this is. I know how much pain you are in and that it doesn't seem to ease up. Try to be as strong and busy as you can be, don't give up. You are a loving and giving person and I pray that your husband will see this again. Don't give up, just concentrate on taking care of yourself and those around you.

SDS,<P>Just a couple of observations and suggestions.<P>1. He's still in fantasyland. Unfortunately the betrayers amusement park never closes. They have no idea which way is up less what is the RIGHT thing to do. I believe that they truely do no wish to hurt us. It's just a side effect of their selfishness and denial. They just can't see the forrest for the trees.<P>2. You can't make him "wake up". Believe me I have tried everything under the sun short of having the OM "taken out". She's not worth jail time. I started the divorce process to try to shake a response out of her. NOT a good move. Looks like for me, it will be completed around Valentines day 2000. <P>3. You must make decisions with YOUR best interests in mind. Early on I changed my work schedule to have Fridays off because Val only works a half day. I figured that maybe if she wanted to do something I would be available. She was fully aware. Didn't hear a thing from her. Took off weekends as well. Still no word.<P>4. It's a waiting game. If you believe in your marriage and that your H is truely worth his weight in gold AND if you have the intestinal fortitude to hold out. More power to you. <P>5. Mentally accept that it is over. Treat for the worst and hope for the best. If he doesn't come back you won't be disappointed. If he does come back you will be elated.<P>6. Don't dwell on the affair. You will drive yourself absolutely crazy. What's done is done. I replayed the last 11 years over, and over, and over. Not a healthy move. You can't change the past. You can only learn from it. <P>Don't know if any of this helps you. I have pretty much gotten over the affair and am taking care of myself. I am slowly feeling that life is coming back to me.<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic

di,<P>Medic is so right. And I think I know how your feeling. So many times I dwell on what my W is doing with the OM... it is definitely the wrong way to approach things... it makes me physically sick sometimes... and that helps no one!<P>It is hard to be strong... in your case doubly hard because of no contact... I get some minimal contact... it's all that cussing I've posted about... but I at least I get to see her (because of kids) so I know she has not vanished away. You don't even get to see him!... that really s$%ks!<P>I'll pray for you...<BR>I feel the prayers you and others have sent have helped me immeasurably.<P>Hey... you probably know this already...<BR>God loves you... <BR>So do all of us too... <P>Jim

Thanks Iorana, Medic, and Jim. The weekends are alway the hardest. I can't seem to keep myself busy enough to block out the thoughts. To day is a new day. I have decided that I have been floundering long enough. I am usually a very organized person and I haven't been for a very long time. So starting to day I am organizing my life. There are many thing I have done for myself and to push myself forward. I thought I had a game plan, but I haven't set down and organized everything. I know I am one those weird people. I make list and cross things out when they are accomplished. Well that is what I am going to do set down and make a list for my life, to get me throught to the next step. Then I will have tings to work for. I hope this make sense. As all this popped into my head when I awoke this morning and I really haven't sat down and figured out the logisitics of it all. BUt for me I think this a way for me to move forward. When I get it done I'll post it to for you all but then you might know just how crazy I am. Thanks for all the prayers and kind words. The do help a lot, but hey you know what I mean . Remember that song or was it just a saying now ccI can't remember(now you know why I need llist the memory is going) Today is the first day of the rest of your life.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>