Hello,

This is the very first time that I'm using forum to ask for help. This is as well the very first time i feel so deeply hurt and ashamed. I have completely lost the ground under my feet. Few weeks back I was a happy wife and a mother, believing in happiness of Pharrell Williams.
Then, out of nothing, my husband confessed he had an affair...and everything, our 12 years together, 7 years of marriage, family of four ( we have two small boys) crambled down all at once. Is there a way to spit up the pain that I have inside of me?

Few days after the news me and kids left, I needed some time to think it through, to cry openly.
I am at my parent's, but my family does not know about the affair. I have no idea how to tell them.
At the beginning I thought I shall solve this thing alone and if the decission is positive ( meaning that I would try to come back and give him a chance) I would not reveal this to my family. But the more I stay here the more difficult it is to stay calm and "happy" and pretend like if nothing happened. I feel so lost, so empty.

My marriage has never been bad. I was considering us as a happy couple and we were happy indeed.
It was difficult for sure. For my husband's work We have chosen to be expats, away from families, without a steady place. But it was working well. There were many moments of being separated, but still no sign of a dissaster. I got preegnant with our second child and my husband's company sent me home for the whole period of pregnancy, as in the place we live now the health care is not good enough. We were separated for 10, extreemly long and difficult months. Instead of being one of the most beautiful times for a familly ( arrival of a second child, that we both really wanted and waited for it for a long time) it became a struggle. Me with our older son at my parents and my husband abroad working. But there was nothing to do, we had to be separated.
Once we came back it took us a huge deal of time to get back together as a familly with it's old routine. My husband obviously got un-used of having a familly around, he was not so much present, irritated very often and tired of us, I could see it. but I thought it was because we were separated, for so long and it would pass. His life style during the separation was very "free", with lots of sigle male friends, lost of night outings. But again - i trusted him and I was always telling him that before he goes to think of something dengerouse he shall look at his familly and ask himself if he really want to loose it for a stupidity.

Since we came back I've been trying to talk to him about how he changed in these 10 months and that he should try more and be more present.... If only I knew what was a reason of it..... Now everything is clear. He was home because he had to be, his heart and thoughts were somewhere else with the other woman, free, single, probably beautiful, for sure well dressed, made up and sexy- as the local girls are, not like at home always tired wife, breastfeeding and struggling to put everything together, having no time for make up, high hills, etc..... So shellow.....

when he told me about the affair I got completely out of control. I was not recognizing myself. I changed into a cruel, hard, sarcastic and even brutal woman. And I would have preffered he would never told me about this affair. I was always telling him that, if he got into a story, an affair, that is based only on sex, not to tell me.
Aparently this story went beyond the sex and became a passionate, love story. If fact he told me he fell in love with her.

This is so hard.... And the hardest is to think that he went to search for it in the moment that shall be one of the best oces.... The new baby on the way. He should have though about me, about us snd our happiness, instead he was starting a new, exciting life. Now when i look at our son I cannot be happy, because in him I see the dissaster. By revealing this thing to me my husband delated the whole beauty of the first year of our son.
I doubt I would ever forgive him this. Could anyone ever forgive such a thing?

So I left. Snd only there he realised this was not as easy as he though it would be. He found your program and is trying to make it right following your advises and extraordinary precautions....
I went through this program too. I read about the affair itself and I'm discovering the whole new world to me. I am not able to cooperate in 100%, I am not even so sure I want to try. As I feel today i don't want to come back to him, cause he is the new him as well, a person i didn't know, a person that put on risk the most important thing in his life - his family, a person that distroyed completely my believes and foundations....

Everything is so fresh to me and everything hurts so damn badly!!!!

Tell me are there any extraordinary solutions for betrayed ones? Is there a way to get through this withough getting into a deep depreession?what shall i do to be able to look at his eys again without hating him and being completely disguesse with him?

I would apprecaite any positive help.

Hi Maggie, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am so very sorry about the reasons that have brought you here. While no one would blame you for leaving your marriage, please know that you can recover your marriage here. And we don't mean the same marriage that you had before, but a happy, passionate romantic marriage. When a person is happy in the present, they don't tend to think of the tragedies of the past. That is what we can help you do.

WE don't advocate forgiveness, but we do advocate just compensation. Just compensation will achieve a happy, passionate marriage.

I would urge you to tell your family members about the affair. It doesn't help to keep an affair secret. You need the support of your family desperately. Everyone should know about the affair.

I am truly sorry for your great pain. This is a good place for you to get help and I hope we can help ease your suffering. Members with more experience than I will be along soon with support for you.

It is important for you to know that we all see the affair as totally hour husbands responsibility. It is NOT in any way your fault.

You have a right to decide if you are willing to give your husband a chance to reconcile or if you want to divorce him. The people here will support you either way. We believe it is your right to choose.

Maggie,

I am so sorry for the pain, disbelief that this ever could have happened and the onslaught of overwhelming thoughts that are probably invading your thoughts every second you are awake.

Many of us have been where you are. It hurts beyond description.

This is a time to not make a final decision about your future yet, because you are being ruled by the trauma and grief.

Please try to understand that nearly everyone "Can" be susceptible to having an affair if they lower their boundaries and begin to allow a person of the opposite sex to meet some of their emotional needs.

There are NO excuses for having an affair though.

Regarding the feeling of love that he thought he felt, just understand that this is a chemical reaction to the first feelings of attraction of having your needs met.

If you choose to want to find out how you can rebuild trust and rid yourself of resentments, you will find that the complete MB program can restore and maintain feelings of romantic love between yourself and your husband.

Your husband has posted already, and from most indications, you seem to have a man who is willing to take the necessary steps right out, of the gate to attempt to make things as right as he can with you.

Do not be embarrassed about exposing his affair to others. This step will hold him accountable to all of your loved ones and peers, especially your blood relatives, including your parents.

You need support right now from your friends. But most importantly, you need support from peers who know from proven experience on how to deal with this putrid situation that you never expected.

Continue to keep posting with your questions and you will receive wonderful support and advice. You and your husband should not post on each others topic threads though. Just keep your story in one place.

Please take ad much care of your health as possible and eat right, even though it is typical to not feel like eating and lose lots of weight. But, your newborn innocent baby needs his Mommy to be healthy.

Sorry you had a reason to find this forum, but it will help if you follow the advice.

LTL

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Many of us were taken by surprise when infidelity entered our marriages. While there are never excuses for affairs, there are reasons why they happen. Being separated is a common reason. While I readily appreciate how the pain of betrayal is hurting you, I hope that you can see past the pain and realize that your marriage isn't just salvageable, but can actually be restored to a terrific, romantic relationship that is much better than it ever was before. That is what happened for my wife and me, and it can be so for you two as well. You will need to create extraordinary precautions that make affairs in your marriage essentially impossible. At the top of your list should be never being separated overnight, ever. This is going to mean a big lifestyle change, but it is essential for your marriage to recover.

We all understand your pain very well. You must expose. Marriages do not recover in secret, it takes a village. Your H must prove to everyone he is a less secretive person now. Besides all of that you need the support simply for your own personal recovery. The truth is only the truth and you do not need to fear it.

Read the link in ML's exposure thread and follow it exactly. The most important exposure target is the affair partner's spouse if they are married.

Can you read the link and then tell us your exposure plan. It does not matter how likely recovery seems, you have to expose regardless.

Do not forgive!! Let him earn his way back and start an entirely new marriage.


How are you functioning? Sleeping and eating etc? You may need anti depressants from your doctor if not.

It does not last forever, I promise.

One thing I am confused about Maggie, is you have returned home to your family, for what I presume is support. However you haven�t told them why you need their support?

Isn't that making life difficult?

Are you getting any support? From anyone?





I'm afraid it is a myth that cheating is about sex. You would have to be very odd to risk a marriage for emotion-free sex. Human beings crave companionship and most people simply get too close to an Opposite Sex friend.

I understand your pain is all because he gave your love to someone else. This has happened to me too.

It's not real love - it is just needs meeting which turns into an addictive feeling. The feelings for OW will go away when EPs are in place.

Hi again Maggie,

Have you taken the time to read the multiple responses you immediately received?

You will be able to get through this trauma one way or the other, depending on what you choose to do about your marriage.

If you respond to replies on a regular routine, such as first thing in the morning, around mid-day and then again at the end of the evening, at least until you are emotionally situated on firmer ground, you can wrap your head around the options you have.

LTL

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Please read this.
What is Just Compensation?

Maggie I wonder how you are doing and hope you are not having a very rough day.

Thank you all for your words. It means a lot for me. Gives me the courage that one day I will find my happiness back again.

I've not been doing well lately. Feels like being trapped in something that is so much bigger than me. One moment I feel that i can make it and then - enough to hear a love song on the radio, see a happy couple - all of the sudden I' m finding myself in a black hole, with short breath and such an extreem pain all over my body.

I could not fight alone anymore and talked to my parents....the most devastating experience in my life...it does not feel better now but at least I do not have to hide my tears.

My husbands tries his best, but I simply cannot make a move toward him. Talking to him is like a torture to me. From one side I want him to call and to try to talk to me and to show me any kind of affection, but when he does it detonates in me a bomb of negativity and agression. I cannot control it.

I look at myself and I find a stranger, like if this whole absurd was not happening to me, like if it was a poor movie that will end soon.

You tell me it will pass, that I will get through this, that I will find myself back again. But that will be a new Maggie....and what if I will not like her????

Oh God, please give me strenght to overcome this nightmare...

You will like the new Maggie, and sooner than you thought possible.

For me, in the early days of R, my pain was always greater when FWH was at work, and less when he was spending time with me. When he wasn't physically there, all I could think of was the A and what he had done to me. When he was with me, and showing me love, affection, and his repentance, then it was easier during those times.

Can you get into your doctor for some ADs? This is a very stressful and horrible time. ADs can help tremendously.

Are you eating, sleeping, exercising?

Oh Maggie I'm sorry you find yourself here, I too walked your pain a few years back where my heart shattered into a million pieces and I never thought I could recover myself let alone have the strength to recover my marriage.

Let me add my voice to those who can attest to having come out the other side of this explosion.
You will be ok, you may not see it today but you will be, you have found MB the best life line there is for you and your marriage.
Trust in the advise you receive here and let it help lead you out of the pain.
Fwiw we did do a few phone sessions with dr Harley, we had Jennifer and it helped a lot!
The boards helped a lot too, post here all your thoughts and vent and soak up all the support you can get, you are going to need it !

Oh yes, I do remember this. It does pass.



That's good Maggie. Now you can grieve honestly and openly which means you will start seeing some small signs of improvement. Pretending all is well in such circumstances is exhausting and not good for you so you have made a good, progressive step.



Both wanting, and not wanting your WS is very normal. We call it the 'rollercoaster' of emotions. The rollercoaster slows down and evens out the more time you get out from Discovery Day. Your husband's efforts to heal you will help,, over time.

However I don't like the sound of the 'aggression' - I doubt being aggressive is helping either one of you. As someone who has had a temper in the past I know it makes giving control of yourself to anger makes you feel worse than anyone. No one is saying you have to forgive him, but you must not abuse him either. You do not have that right.

When anger raises its head, simply say you are starting to feel angry and must end the conversation. I've also advised your h to end the conversation kindly if you start to get upset. I do not want to see you give control of yourself to anger.

Anger is for clueless people who have no plan. You have MB, you have us - you do have a plan.

You may be one of the people like Neak, who recovers her marriage and loves the new, stronger Neak.

Or you may be like me; I decided that my H wasn't really good enough or recovery and I became a new stronger Indie who did not lose her temper any more.

I like her very much! She has all the good qualities of the old Indie too.

After years of being angry I discovered that I COULD control my temper! I made that discovery in the space of a day, here on MB. All I needed was a plan.

Your plan is to make the best choice for you and to heal in the best way possible. For some people that is with their WH, for some it is without. There is nothing wrong with asking him to prove himself before you make that decision.

You could even be together, accepting his affection and help temporarily, while still unsure...

Why not trial being with him, for say a month or two?

Hugs...

If my plan is to heal in the best way possible.... Then I have no clue how to make it. I am here crying, wonderring around, hiding, but I am completely blocked for an action that would actually lead to something constructive. I am shipwreaked, lost seanse of direction and strenght for making any move.

This is not a plan, it is not even close to it.... I guess i need some time, or better some guidance.

What is the first step to take? Where to start from. How to start?

You say that i have the MB program. Don't get me wrong, I see positivity and optimism in it and after reading all rules I believe it could work, but how to start?

Coming back to him, seeing him every day, feeling his presence around me seems like s turture, seems faking. He knows that I'm deeply hurt, that he lost my respect, that I make a huge effort even to look and him and yet we can eat the breakfast together and chit chat? Try to follow the family routine when inside everything is screeming? Watching a movie together while the only thing i am thinking of is her?
I don't feel it, don't see it, i have no clue how we could move on with our normal life after all this.
My life - that i loved so much, where i was save and happy and fulfilled, has been smashed, destroyed.... It stopped, does not exist anymore.
Now i shall rebuild the new life but i don't know how, because everything of a regular life seems so unimportant, so small....

How to start????

Eating not much.... No more weight to loose....
Sleeping....not much either. Nights are aweful, I don't have to be strong anymore, no one sees me, noone controls me. And my mind and thoughs fly in a very dengerouse direction.... Comparing myself to her, counting how much did she steal from me. How many smiles, words, affections, holding hands, caresses, kisses....how many moments that make your day....

All those butterfies in the stomach, all those fireworks were promissed to me.
I was trying to do my part as good as I could and someone else was getting rewords....

If only i was a creepy, beachy, unpleasant and difficult to live with then i would understand.... But I was good and loving, putting attention on us ( that's what he says to me too)..... Then why???????????????????????

Hate nights....

Hello Maggie. I have followed your thread for the last few days, and I just want to tell you that you have found a great group of people to guide and support you here.

I can read of your pain in your posts, and I feel for you, and will help you however I can.

I first want to tell you that what you are feeling, everything you are feeling is perfectly normal. It will take a while to find your footing. What helped me and continues to help me is finally realizing and admitting to myself that I can only control me. I can't control his decisions. I can't control his feelings, etc.. You can't control how much she stole from you, or what they shared. They are responsible for those choices, and they had to steal them!!

I know saying don't compare yourself to her is like saying don't worry. BUT, just know that affair partners have many flaws too. It is just that they don't see the flaws in each other because they live in fantasy land. You just don't think about those flaws when you are comparing yourself to her. She chose to have an affair with your WH. That sinks her pretty darn low.

I want you to know that you need to shore yourself up by realizing that you need to trust in yourself. You may not feel it, but you have an inner strength. Rely on it. Build it up. Think about what you want and need. Return to a hobby that gives you happiness. Do things for you. While this is devastating, please don't dwell on it. Dwell on you and your children.

I will check in on you later. I hope everyone here can help you find some peace.

You need to take good care of YOU during this time, and ever after.

1. Turn to God for strength. He has plenty even when you've run out.
2. Drink plenty of water.
3. Eat, even if you don't feel like it.
4. Sleep at night, but don't beat yourself up if this is difficult at first.
5. Exercise a little each day. This will not only help elevate your mood, but will make it easier to sleep.
6. Reach out to others. That can be MB, a counselor, a friend, or all of the above.
7. Do at least one nice thing for yourself each day.
8. If you don't start to notice a difference in your mood and ability to cope RIGHT AWAY, see your dr. and ask about antidepressants. For the sake of yourself and your children, you want to get on solid footing as quickly as possible.
9. Believe that you will be well with time. You will!