|
|
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 109
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 109 |
My H and I are just beginning to look at MB. I've been lurking around for a few weeks and was on the radio show last week. We got the book HNHN and my husband started reading it. Although he doesn't believe that we can fall in love again, the concept intrigues him and I have gotten a half-hearted commitment to try. My big question is...what in the world do we do for 15 hours a week? To be honest, we actually spend a lot of time together, but it is not the undivided attention type. When it is just me and him sitting across the table from each other sometimes I don't even know what to talk about (except our relationship which we are both getting tired of discussing). Has anyone else experienced this? Any advice about how to approach it?
Last edited by ljmom24; 02/17/14 03:49 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Well, the main thing you do is talk! Plan for some activity outside of your home - getting dressed and leaving the house will have you more energized and make your more interesting to each other. Plan for something fun that you both enjoy doing that will facilitate conversation together.
One suggestion that SugarCane has posted is that she and her husband go see a movie together (they do not count the movie toward their fifteen hours), and then they go take a walk and discuss the movie.
Which day were you on the show last week?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
Go on dates outside the home and find an enjoyable activity to do together. This is something the two of you will have to explore for yourself since different couples enjoy different activities.
Spend the time being affectionate and engaging in intimate conversation -- do not discuss relationship problems. The conversation needs to be enjoyable for both of you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
When it is just me and him sitting across the table from each other sometimes I don't even know what to talk about Environment plays a HUGE role in your habits - get up from the table and get into a different environment and it will probably make a difference.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 109
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 109 |
Which day were you on the show last week? Monday
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 109
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 109 |
Spend the time being affectionate and engaging in intimate conversation -- do not discuss relationship problems. This is one of our issues...lack of intimacy and physical affection. I'm all for it but he is not sure.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
Unless he is willing to give it his all, you are better off moving on.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Did your husband listen to the show you were on? Is he helping you think about how to make fifteen enjoyable hours per week, or is he expecting you to figure it out on your own?
Prisca makes a good point that without your husband being willing to give it his all, it's going to be difficult to make this work.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Did your husband listen to the show you were on? Is he helping you think about how to make fifteen enjoyable hours per week, or is he expecting you to figure it out on your own?
Prisca makes a good point that without your husband being willing to give it his all, it's going to be difficult to make this work. Here's a good radio show from Dr. Harley discussing this: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=04209
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
What does he (and you) do for fun? Is it done together?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
To be honest, we actually spend a lot of time together, but it is not the undivided attention type. Where is most of that time being spent? Working together? If you can change the environment that will probably make the main difference.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
(except our relationship which we are both getting tired of discussing). Definitely do not spend the time in relationship talk - that is rarely enjoyable! Have you read Dr. Harley's article about the friends and enemies of good conversation? It is on this site, and an updated version of the material is in His Needs, Her Needs. This contains the information to practice in order to have good conversation: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5056_qa.html
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 109
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 109 |
What does he (and you) do for fun? Is it done together? His favorite activity is tennis, but I don't play. When the weather is nice we often walk together. We go to the movies. When we got out to dinner it is usually with friends. Weekends we are usually around the house together, cooking, cleaning, etc. We have one kid at home still so she is around sometimes.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
Are you interested in playing tennis? (be honest, don't sacrifice!)
Walks are VERY GOOD if you both enjoy them.
And you should go out to dinner alone together, without friends.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 109
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 109 |
Are you interested in playing tennis? (be honest, don't sacrifice!) I am not interested in tennis...at this point in life I would never be able to play at his level anyway. And when we do go to dinner alone we end up talking about the kids, work, etc. Same old stuff. It is hard to talk about things like dreams, aspirations, etc when he doesn't even know if he wants to stay married.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
What does he (and you) do for fun? Is it done together? His favorite activity is tennis, but I don't play. When the weather is nice we often walk together. We go to the movies. When we got out to dinner it is usually with friends. Weekends we are usually around the house together, cooking, cleaning, etc. We have one kid at home still so she is around sometimes. Does he spend a lot of time playing tennis without you? The dinners with friends need to be mostly replaced by dinners alone between the two of you. There's a lot of time together, but it needs to be replaced by time when you are alone, giving each other your attention. It will be pretty awkward at first, but when you are both committed to giving it a solid try, you will learn how to make it enjoyable.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 109
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 109 |
Not a lot of time...more in the summer obviously.
Thank you for your input...you've been very encouraging!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 51
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 51 |
Did you listen to today's radio show? Dr. Harley recommends that you read up on a topic the other person is interested in and discuss that. Maybe you could take turns to pick a topic? And what about boardgames and card games or even completing a puzzle together? It gives you something to do while alone in each other's company, but still gives you the opportunity to talk. Or just drive somewhere to watch the sun set, or go to museums or concerts or movies together and do dinner before or after that. Just throwing out ideas here :-)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5 |
Did you listen to today's radio show? Dr. Harley recommends that you read up on a topic the other person is interested in and discuss that. Maybe you could take turns to pick a topic? And what about boardgames and card games or even completing a puzzle together? It gives you something to do while alone in each other's company, but still gives you the opportunity to talk. Or just drive somewhere to watch the sun set, or go to museums or concerts or movies together and do dinner before or after that. Just throwing out ideas here :-) Was it this one? Radio Clip Segment 2
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5 |
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
183
guests, and
42
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,621
Posts2,323,490
Members71,958
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
