Yesterday I learned that my partner of 5 years has been very actively engaged in virtual infidelity. I've been unable to sleep because this was so heart breaking.

I stumbled across all of the material on the commuter by accident. By doing something he asked me to do. I never suspected that we has this issue.

After finding all the videos, I find that I feel inadequate, I feel like I was unable to satisfy my partners needs. I feel like his videos meant more to him. From the time and date stamps I KNOW that these were viewed for hours after he told me he was "too tired" to be intimate. And other time and date stamps are after we've been intimate. I understand that people sometimes turn to the types of media when they can't get what they need from their partner, but over the course of 5 years I don't believe I have ever one time pushed him away when he wanted to be intimate. So why did this happen to me?

He apologized profusely and promised to give up the material, but how do I forgive and move forward for here? How to I get back to a place where I can stand to be intimate with him in any way without having these thoughts in my head? Is it possible that I can get those images and hurt feelings of being neglected for some pixels on a computer monitor out of my head? Or is this something that will haunt me every time he gets near me?

I'm so sorry for your pain.

Are you married?

We are not married. But I guess it feels like we are. I am so beside myself with hurt I don't know how to start forgiving.

Dr. Harley discourages unmarried couples from cohabitating together. Such relationships don't last because there is no commitment.

He authored a book, Buyers Renters and Freeloaders which would help you.

Here are some articles to read:

Cohabitation: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8110_cohabitation.html

Preparing for Marriage:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5510_qa.html

We do not cohabitate. I have my own place and he still has his

Well, then why do you call him your partner?
This sounds like a go-nowhere relationship.
What are you looking for in life? A marriage partner?

Go out and date men, ...Dr. Harley encourages dating up to 30 people to find "The One" and then build a great romantic marriage!

The first step is to read Buyers Renters and Freeloaders

If you are not living with him, then it is not a co-habitating relationship but a typical dating one as Dr. Harley talks about frequently. Five years is a long time to date without any sign of marriage - is there a reason there has been no commitment beyond that?

There is some material on the website here about pornography - have you encouraged your boyfriend to read it as well? I don't think this is necessarily a dead-end issue, a lot of single men use pornography without realizing how much it hurts their drive/sex life. Rather than consider forgiving and forgetting, I would start with MB materials to determine whether or not this is the right relationship for you.

Dr. Harley discourages pre-marital sex in dating , as it causes emotional attachment which should be reserved for marriage.
Here is a radio show broadcast in which he discusses this issue:


Radio clip of KeepLearning's question

Do you have children?

Dear sad and confused,
I'm glad you found us! I 'm so sorry for the pain you are going through! Everyone who is on this site has been on one side or another of betrayal and lies. We know how awful that feels when the world you knew shattered.

I also personally understand the feeling of your partner choosing another way to satisfy himself sexually rather than be intimate with you as my ex did some things in a similar vein. It's a tough pill to swallow. Please know this is not about you. Your partner is choosing to be intimate with a computer rather than a person and this is a red flag that he has some issues he needs to work through.

The posters above have posed some good questions.

Do you have children together? Is there a reason you haven't married? Dr. Harley does have great information on relationships. However, since you are still in the dating stages, as hard as it seems, it's easier to dissentangle now than after you are married or have children. Think about how hard habits are to break. Do you want to marry him only to discover that he hasn't really gotten over his porn addiction?

I suggest you read some about relationships on this site and do some deep thinking about whether this man DESERVES to be with you. Or are you better off looking for someone who can better meet your standards?

Please feel free to post again with updates or other questions! We are here for you!

Thank you everyone for the kind words and wisdom.

We do not have children, as I am not sure that I even want children at this point in my life. I am only 26, and I wanted to be an independent woman who has her own career and able to stand on my own two feet. Though this is turning out to be the most trying day of my life. Not only is my relationship in turmoil and I am trying to figure out how to sit next to him without judging and cringing because of what I saw, I lost my job of almost 6 years this morning due to a medical condition (long story).

He promised to give it up entirely, has read some things I've found to better explain whats weighing on my heart when words fail me. He's been more than receptive, thanking me for the information saying it better helps him unnderstand how I must be feeling. We have not looked at or discussed anything here yet but is on my list of things to discuss tonigt.

I guess what I am having the most difficulty with is how do you look at this person andknow that they are looking at things that are for lack of a moreeloquent way to phrase it, repulsive with no judgement and try to be understanding? How can I start to get those images out of my head?

I do love him. And I feel that I may have found the on. No one is perfect and I know that I have made my own mistakes. I know that our relatioship isn't the most tradtional, but I turned to this sight because I can get both perspectives without saying something to shame him and mae matters worse.

Big hugs to you Sad re: job loss. That is a challenge in and of itself.

I caught my ex trolling Craigslist to find random men to sext. As unbelievable as it is, I still care for him, and I am still attracted to him. So yes it is possible to move past it even if it is totally repulsive to you.

The big question is WHY would you want to? You have discovered a major character flaw. It repulsed you. I grieve for my family unit to be together. I WISH I had discovered all of this stuff prior to marrying and having kids.

I urge you to question your idea of "the one". There are billions of people out there. Do you truly believe there is only "one" match for you? Perhaps this is a gift to you to show you that you are meant to be with a different "one"!

The trouble with this kind of thing is he can say he'll stop, but he can get better at hiding it.

You are only 26. You have plenty of time and potential! I know you love this man but patterns of behavior are difficult to change. If you have no strings to this man, this is an easy out for you. You have good reason to leave. And you certainly could lay new boundaries with a new relationship.

You deserve to be loved, cherished, and have an amazing sex life. Why settle?

I wish I hadn't! I knew when I married my ex that he lied on occasion. I didn't like that- but I married him anyway. I settled. I was comfortable and figured all relationships have their problems. I wish I had dated more. I wish I had expected more from him! Now I've wasted 15 yrs of my life with this man. Our family has been torn apart and my kids miss seeing their daddy every day. I do my best to keep a positive attitude, but I wouldn't wish this on anyone!

Choose your mate very CAREFULLY!

Having a family with someone I personally believe will generate a love that doesn't go anywhere. No matter what he is still the man you made all those precious memories and a life with.

WHY? Great question. Yes it is a major character flaw, and yes he may just get better at hiding it (though he wasn't hiding in the sense of deleting history etc), but doesn't everyone make a mistake and deserve a second chance at times?

Maybe I feel like he's been with me through so much that I owe him the chance to show me he can change and be the man I thought that he was. For example, when he met me I was a smoker, and to him that was one of the hugest character flaws, but fell in love with me inspite of it. He stuck by me through 4 years of attempting to quit my addiction until I was FINALLY successful in Sep 2013. I am by no means saying that the two are equal. I also wonder if I am partly to blame but I never EXPRESSLY said that to me and this relationship watching pornography is virtual infidelity.

Looking back I can see the signs/symptoms that something was taking him away from being intimate with me. He used to kiss me like crazy, deeply, passionately but for the last year or so he rarely kisses me at all while making love. Things went from being tender and romantic to a little rough and impersonal.

I know he loves me, though its obvious that he hasn't cherised me as he should have, but we DID have an amazing passionate sex life. I have tried so hard to be open minded, I never say no (regardless of if I am really in the mood or not) because I believe it's give and take, I've asked what is it that I am not providing,are there fantasies that I am not fulfilling. He works long hours (usually 13-16 a day) so I try to be understanding when he "is too tired" but finding that the two nights last week that I was rejected there was enough energy for pornography just feels like a kick in the face.

I believe I've found my soul mate, and I'm afraid if I just walk away now I would always regret finding out what we could really be.

Please read this.
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

What foes your BF say when you ask him to stop looking at porn?

Have you seen this?
Choosing the Right One to Marry #1

Did you listen to the clip?

Thank you for both of those articles. They gave me some new perspectives

Tonight when he got off work, I had a area set up where we could look at each other clearly, no distractions, I tried to make sure other factors wouldn't be a disruption like hunger.

I had a list of my concerns and needs and tried to give him this information in a clear but nonjudgmental way. I tried to control my emotions as best I could.

He said that he's very sorry. He sees now that his porn habit was taking away from the intimacy. He hasn't been treating me with the respect I deserve and that he will never look at the stuff again and he never intended to hurt me.

He's agreed to everything I think we need in order to maybe make it out of this. I said I needed complete access to all computers, phones, and iPads. He agreed without hesitation and asked me to keep the list I had made in a place he can get to it easily and be able to look at it and see where else we need to be working.

After reading the freeloaders, renters and buyers I see that a lot of his qualities fall in the buyer category. He is willing to give up something that causes me pain to improve our relationship.

I think that willingness and remorse means he's sincere. This is the best possible way this could have gone other than never happening I believe.

If he really meant what he promised, I now have to figure out how in the world I'm going to be able to assume an intimate relationship without all these images coming flooding back in my head.

Dear Sad,
That's very encouraging! I hope it goes well for you!!!

Regarding the images- it may be tough for awhile. Try to keep refocusing your thoughts on the present. How he is making you feel etc. Over time you'll have more positive experiences to override the negative ones!

Best of luck to you!

I also encourage you to read about Emotional Needs. I wish I had found all of this years ago as I feel it would have helped my relationships. Make sure he is meeting your top EN.

Greenmomma thank you for the encouraging words and positive reaction!

I just got a chance to look at today's post, but I actually had gone and printed off the EN questionnaire! We have decided to get away for the weekend, get away from the distractions and focus on us and I had that planned for us to go threw together and make sure not only that he is meeting my EN, but that I'm meeting his as well.

I'm not trying to minimize his part in this by any means, but I do need to look at what I need to change as well. I must lead by being the healthiest me possible.

You sharing and encouraging words have given me a lot of emotional strength but also the a kind listening ear that I needed. I couldn't voice this to anyone else.

So glad you are going on a trip together! All that time together is really important in rekindling things!

I also think it is wise for you to figure out EN for both of you as you suggested you plan to.

There are lots of important details to what Dr. Harley suggests. The most basic and most important are spend uninterrupted time in recreation together, try not to hurt each other (love busters), meet each other's EN so you can fill each other's love banks, and make decisions together using the policy of joint agreement (POJA). Get those things down and it's a recipe for a long and healthy relationship.

Best of luck to you and enjoy your trip!

I'm glad I could help!

I apologize for the delay in response. I had decided that while we were away I was going to limit the "distractions" meaning less phone/computers/tvs.

Things were going pretty well until I had several "triggers" last night. Once at dinner something was said that sent me into the fear/anxiety/anger mode. I did my best to just give it to God, not let it keep me paralyzed. Pushed through it and had a nice dinner.

But then there was another trigger. This time I couldn't force myself to control my response. I blew up at him. Brought up things that I am trying not to bring up everyday. We went to bed angry. Well I guess I should say he went to bed angry and I just lay there stairing at the ceiling all night.

We haven't said much to each other at all today.

We did get a chance to sit down and do the emotional needs questionaire together this weekend, and to my amazment, our needs lined up perfectly. We both have the same priorities as far as that goes.

I just don't know how to get over these "triggers" right now. He's trying so hard. He's done everything that has been asked of him and so much more.

I knew this wouldn't be easy by any means. I just want him to be the man I adore so much. Not someone who is sick.