Together When You Are Happiest




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Emotional Needs

Love Busters

There are more... quite a few more than were available when I first arrived here just under 4 years ago;

http://www.marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi4500_resource.html


So, quit using the forum posters as referees for your passive-aggressive argument, STOP ARGUING, and get down to Marriage Building... shall we?

Oh, no - - I'm not running... Just taking the time to fix our marriage first... that is where my first "time priorities" lie

I had to take a sick day late Mon/all day Tues and then Wed at work was 100% "catch up" time. I still have a lot to do today, so bye for now but will be checking back in.

It feels REALLY, really good to be on a good path with recovery in our marriage!!

??? That doesn't make any sense. The reason you are bypassing posting here and learning to eliminate your disrespectful judgments and other love busters is because you are "fixing" your marriage? You're skipping fixing your marriage because you are so busy fixing your marriage?

I've heard this one before from other men. Their marriages didn't make it.

Goodness gracious...

Let me clarify: I have been spending some lovely UA time with my wife lately, we have been talking, discussing, practicing POJA, and I have been reading quite a bit as well. These are all good things. I haven't been on here as often because we have been implementing all the good things learned from MB and putting them into practice. So I hope that clears things up a little bit.
(<-Elaina's suggestion to add the "Happy dancing guy")

How about if you stop using excuses to avoid answering the posts on your thread.

???

Please point me to the example you are referring to?

I was going to go back several pages and try to update previous posts from many days ago. I'll do that when I have more free time.

Ernie: "I was going to go back several pages and try to update previous posts from many days ago. I'll do that when I have more free time."


Great to hear, Ernie.

We are all thrilled with the recent turn of events.

Did you find the remote and then refuse to tell her where you found it? Stuff like that is childish. You might as well file for divorce if you keep on this route because she is going to get sick of it.

Let's say she didn't look for it as hard as you felt she should have. So what. It's a remote control. It would have been better to figure out a way to keep better track of the remote. Or go get a universal one just for yourself.

We had an issue losing remotes. So we got one sided sticky velcro and put it on the remote and on the wall and when we were done with the remote put it on the wall. Or if the kids lost the remote (everyone had their own remote) thru couldn't watch TV until thru found it.

Both of you two are in a constant cycle of trying to get the last word or saying a snide.comment or being right. Either fix it or just get divorced

Yes, I found it after a brief search.

When DW went off and began to demand to know where I had found it, I felt the wisest decision was to just leave the room before I said something I might regret later.

Supposedly the kids had �looked for it for days� - it was down under the TV (DW says she didn�t participate in said search - her statement to kids: �You guys were the ones who used it last, you find it�). It really upsets me that so much chaos happens when the kids lose the remote (MMMOOOOMMMM! Where�s the remote?!?!) and then I am told they have been looking for days when it wasn�t even hidden at all� it was not a good time to talk with me about it.

The TV has been a source of contention in our family on a regular basis - not between me and others (I usually have better things to do), but I get to listen to the melee as it progresses (it is sometimes the first thing I hear when I walk in the door). I typically stay out of the fray because my wife doesn�t want me to say anything to her kids, but I certainly take no pleasure in listening to it.

I wouldn�t have my feelings hurt if the TV weren�t there because I so seldom watch the thing. The derision that occurs between various children over who gets to watch what and at what times is really unpleasant at times. I would greatly enjoy the peace and quiet of a TV-free home.


My wife and I can discuss a plan of action ahead of time, but I rely on her discretion to handle the situation at those times when I am at work and not at home. Simply unplugging the TV would be the most enthusiastic agreement I would come up with.

I don�t need my own remote - I enjoy other activities far more than watching the TV. I do enjoy watching the Andrew Wommack DVD�s my wife gets, as well as the Veggie Tales shows. Sometimes I watch something on Discovery, but it happens once a week at the most, if that.

The problem I'm seeing is that you were disrespectful and angry toward your wife about the remote - I'm not seeing you acknowledging that.

Whatever you decide to do about the television and the remote - make sure it doesn't include being abusive.

You don't need us to tell you what to do about the TV - you need to learn to quit being disrespectful to your wife when the two of you have a conflict.

If you look over Dr. Harley's guidelines for successful negotiation, the first guideline - the VERY FIRST - is establish a safe environment with ground rules to protect both of you: no demands, disrespectful judgments, or angry outbursts.

You are trying to brainstorm about solutions and that is a much later step. The first step is to learn stop fighting.

Have you seen this?
Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation

Also, are you in an anger management program?

I left the room because I did not want to enter into an unpleasant discussion, and was not in the right mindset to discuss it calmly... It didn't come up for discussion later.

I did what y'all say to do - leave if it gets unpleasant, go somewhere else to calm down. I forgot completely about it afterward (many other things going on), and DW didn't mention it again. How did I go wrong?

Here is what she told us: "Yesterday, my DH found the tv remote that had been misplaced. I asked him where he found it, and he told me he wouldn't tell me. No one had obviously put any effort in finding it so I didn't deserve to know. I told him I would really like to know, but again.... And still he refuses to tell me."

She asked a real simple question and was treated to the above lovebuster. Why?

Are you in anger management?

Good question!

Your wife feels she simply asked you and you feel she went off on you. It seems you two have a completely different view of how you are responding to each other. Essentially what you're saying is you feel your wife interacted with you in a disrespectful manner. If that's the case, you need to say, "I would appreciate it if you didn't speak to me in such a harsh tone. I found the remote under the tv."

if she rebuffs your opinion of how you feel she responded to you. You calmly repeat how you feel. Then I would have said "let's take some time to brainstorm on ways to keep the remote from getting lost."

A good question for which no good answer exists.

It is insufficient to just walk away from unpleasant confrontations. You also have to avoid doing things that cause the confrontations. To commit a lovebuster, then walk away from the subsequent complaint and claim to be taking the high road is delusional. You need to own what you do before there is any hope of fixing this.

It started as a simple question at first.
I was not calm about all the chaos its "been missing" had caused, so I did not want to talk about it just then - at that point. I most likely SHOULD have just said "I am really upset by the the remote often being misplaced, and I don't wish to discuss it at this moment". But, I did not say that. When she then began to demand to know where I had found it, that escalated the situation and I felt the wisest decision was to just leave and calm down before I said something I should not say.

Yes, I was upset - especially after having found it in a simple location.

No - I did not communicate to my wife that I was upset.